Note: This article is based on the author and lawyer of Gabrielle Hartley's divorce cases, which refers to the five key elements that must be taken to help us accept and change our internal thinking.
When dealing with difficult people and situations, sometimes unleashing our feelings is the right thing to do. Still, after the angry reaction we immediately show, complaining will not benefit us, and will not make us feel better or change the basic facts in our lives. However, what we can do, is to change the way we think and interact with ourselves, and then with the world around us.
The actions we do, the place we live, and the people we know make up the outer aspects of our lives. Still, in reality, the stories we have in mind are the most influential parts of our lives and the factors that stay with us no matter what kind of clothes we wear, what type of car we drive, or what friends we go out with. These stories tell us everything we see and everything we do, how we feel, what we should hear, and who we are.
However, many of our internal messages do not represent our personality. Rather, it is a narrative that we have developed throughout our lives; it is a story that we have derived from our childhood, culture, friends, and husbands. When things bother us or do not go well, we tell ourselves these stories repeatedly until we are drowned in a spiral of negative emotions. Still, we can break free from this spiral by changing our view of these stories.
How to Handle Internal Conflict Skillfully?
Based on my own experience and what I've seen in my work as a divorce lawyer, I've come up with five essential tools to help you accept and change your inner thinking, namely patience, respect, clarity, inner peace, and forgiveness.
1. Patience:
It is easy to become impatient when you are going through a difficult time, and in particular challenging times. Impatience can escalate to get out of control and impact thinking, sleep, and even productivity. Regardless of what causes anxiety or who causes it, you can practice patience through deep breathing exercises from the abdomen. It has been scientifically proven that this exercise calms the body and mind and can give you time before acting in any situation. You can practice this exercise by inhaling from the nose for five seconds, holding the air, then exhaling slowly, and repeating that several times. Then, the tension will ease. This exercise gives you space for rational thinking while slowing down your emotional rampage.
2. Respect:
When we respect ourselves, we make better decisions for ourselves and our families. However, in difficult times, shame often abounds, and our self-esteem is affected. Reconciling feeling good about yourself with feeling bad about your situation is complicated. You may train yourself to face the world with a smile, but if you feed yourself inside with negative messages, it will start to undermine your confidence and safety.
When you notice that you feel bad about yourself or your situation, think if you are exposing yourself to people or circumstances that feed this negative cycle. Sometimes, just getting away from a friend or relative who makes you feel bad is all you need to start changing your feelings. As my grandfather used to say: “Do not end your relationship with anyone, but stay away from them for some time. In the meantime, eliminate relationships that do not serve you and benefit you, and make a list of people who lift you and spend time with them.”.
3. Clarity:
Clarity is your ability to respond clearly without taking anything personally. Most of what is happening with you has nothing to do with you, and all you can control is your reaction. It is difficult not to take things personally when you are going through difficult times, but recognizing the existence of many points of view is a good starting point. Clarity also activates your ability to communicate effectively and make decisions smoothly. So, leave the blame and clarify your needs in the future, imagine your goals and understand them, and make your focus positive, present, and specific.
4. Inner peace:
Of course, we all want inner peace, but how can you feel at peace when your current circumstances may seem like a disaster? Practicing peace addresses several negative feelings, such as fear, aggression, or the desire for revenge. One of the ways to practice peace is to seek neutrality. Peace does not involve achieving rosy dreams, rather, feeling comfortable. Neutrality keeps your mind, heart, and body free of tension. This freedom allows you to perpetuate your skills and strengthen your positions and decisions. We realize that peace is an option and requires effort. So, remember to choose your battles yourself. One of the smoothest ways to start is to consciously distance yourself from a meaningless argument. Sometimes, getting away is the best progress you can make.
5. Forgiveness:
We forgive because forgiveness frees us. It is so simple, and when you are mistreated, you may feel angry at first. It is a preventive response, but over time when we do not release that anger, we only hurt ourselves. Holding on to anger is like a dose of poison and expecting the death of the other person, and we are all human and fallible. When we begin to forgive ourselves for what we think we did or for what we failed to do, we begin to recover.
When we forgive, we give up what could have been, and we realize that everything is as it should be. When we get rid of grudges, we feel better inside and out, and when we know that we can forgive, we give ourselves control over our emotional future and we do not become victims of our current circumstances. Whether you feel oppressed or you have wronged someone else, emotional freedom begins when you have compassion for yourself.
By focusing on your inner thinking by practicing these five core elements, you're moving from fear and weakness to strength, so start slowly by committing to practicing them simply daily to add these elements to your life one by one ,to control your thoughts and enhance our perception of living a better life.
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