Note: This article is adapted from blogger Patty Onderko, in which she gives us 3 tips for being open to change.
Self-preservation is a strong survival instinct. When we feel threatened, we defend our position, possessions, and point of view. But one of the great paradoxes of humanity is that self-preservation requires adaptation, and we have to change to preserve our lives. A sense of great comfort stops us from adjusting to the changing surroundings, whether it is in a cave or a three-story house with central heating.
The world is changing not only in catastrophic ways, such as meteorites or global warming; even one of your favorite Italian restaurants can close; pain in your knee may prevent you from running every morning; your job may become automated; and your employer may let go of you. In other words, something surprising may happen to you in some way, and you will need to learn new things. As a human being, this process will be disturbing for you, and this discomfort is called growth. You can do it yourself, but it will be easier with the help of a friend, father, mentor, or couch.
Are you open to change or help? Are you ready for training? If you are not, your confrontation with sudden things may not go well; It is easy to tell yourself to be more open, but it is very difficult to do so, whether you are shy, cautious, or defensive.
Three good tips for opening up your heart, mind, and life to change:
1. Emphasize your values:
To protect our self-esteem, we may ignore our mistakes and point out numerous errors in others when we feel threatened. For example, if your team succeeds in a deal, you might imagine it was because of your diligence and clever approach. However, if you lose, it is easy to attribute your defeat to your teammates' or your client's lack of vision.
While this kind of self-nepotism may preserve our pride, it does not allow us to learn from experience. But there is a way to counter the ego-protective instinct called "self-affirmation", a simple theory developed by the Dean of the University of California in Berkeley, Claude Steele, since then. The theory states that by affirming your core values, you mitigate the trauma to your pride. This type of self-affirmation consists of recognizing and reminding yourself of the qualities that make you who you are and what is most important to you, such as your family, your ability to give kindness, your creativity, and your faith.
Christine Carter, Ph.D., a senior fellow at the University of California, Berkeley, Greater Good Science Center, and author of The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less, says, "One's existence is not limited to one's pride."
In a 2012 study on the self-affirmation theory, the professor requested help in psychology at Clarkson University, Potsdam, New York. Ph.D. Lisa Legault and her fellow graduate students classified six principles. The values used in her theoretical study were (truth discovery), economics (what is very useful), aesthetics (shape, beauty, and harmony), social (searching for people's love), politics (power), and religion (unity).
Thereafter, half of the participants were asked to write a short article on the higher-rated value and what that meant to them; the other half were directed to write why the higher-rated value was not important to them. All participants were then given a simple performance test in which they were asked to press a button when they saw the letter (M) rather than the letter (W).
Students whose values were emphasized by writing about the importance of value performed better on the test, interacting with error signals with less stress, while participants who were asked to undermine their values showed greater signs of neurological distress when they made mistakes, which caused worse performance.
Lisa concluded that through self-affirmation, "people can solidify their sense of self in their broad vision of themselves and have less need to defend against the threat; instead, they can focus on the demands of the situation and put aside the need to protect their pride."
Christine says: "It's essential to be ready to receive coaching is simply to give up your defensive stance by reminding yourself what matters, and if you can't accept bad news and advice, you can't learn, change, or grow, whether it's a professional matter (one of your co-workers might say: ‘You are late in your work and need to manage your time better, let me help you’), a problem with your emotional relationship (your partner may address you for encouragement: I want you to be more positive), or a matter of life and death (your doctor may advise you: ‘You suffer from diabetes and need to change your diet’). Accept improvement by sticking to your core values rather than your pride.”
2. Sympathize with yourself:
In a study published by the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, participants were asked to create a video in which they present and describe themselves and were told that someone would see their tapes and assess the extent of their tenderness, intelligence, whether they were likable, and how mature they seemed. Half of the group received positive evaluations, and the other half received neutral feedback.
Although all comments were completely fabricated and random, most people in the group, whether good or neutral, accepted this and were willing to accept comments on their personalities, but plenty of other people got angry and upset at the neutral reviews and rebelled against the idea that they might simply be average, blaming the reviewers for the bad reviews rather than themselves.
What is the difference between these two groups? Why did one of them quietly accept the assessment and the other become defensive? The study participants were assessed at levels of self-empathy before the experience, and the difference was clear: those who scored highly in self-compassion did not feel threatened by feedback; they could accept and acknowledge their defects along with their strengths and were open, yet people with poor self-empathy lacked such emotional resilience.
What exactly is self-compassion?
Christine says: “It is being kind to yourself; we all believe that if we talk critically to ourselves we will improve, but all research shows with absolute certainty that self-criticism does not improve performance; it prevents your ability to learn from the situation and triggers a stress response so that a "fight-or-flight" response is your only option, and personal growth will not occur when you criticize yourself.”
Kristin Neff, a distinguished researcher, Ph.D., assistant professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, and author of several books, including Self-Compassion: The Sure Power of Being Self-Compassion, says, "With self-compassion, we offer ourselves the same kindness and care as a good friend", and affirms that self-compassion is not self-pity because self-pity ignores the connections with the entire world and the common disadvantages and suffering of humans.
Christine's definition of self-compassion includes the following:
- Self-kindness rather than self-judgment, do you talk to yourself like you're talking to a friend you trust in a calm, tolerant voice? Or are you screaming like a sergeant training his staff? If you are open to your flaws, you are open to growth.
- Common feelings of humanity rather than isolation, Christine urges us to see our flaws and suffering as part of the common humanitarian situation so that we can see our weaknesses from a broader and more tolerant perspective. Your flaws bind you to all other human beings.
- Mindfulness rather than exaggeration, Christine says: "Try to balance your feelings instead of ignoring or exaggerating your pain", when you over-identify certain feelings you can coordinate behind negativity or indulge in your pride.
Christine advises spending time every morning saying a nice word to yourself, learning about your relationship with the pulsating, vibrant, and non-ideal humanity around you, and practicing mindfulness, whether through meditation, yoga, dishwashing, or any meditation method.
If you're talking to yourself now and saying, "I'm skeptical about these things because I'm self-conscious, but I'm going to try them", that's fine; you're on the road to self-compassion and you can receive coaching.
3. Try new things:
Once you practice self-affirmation and self-compassion, you can benefit from your openness. The first step is to talk to strangers. Studies show that the more social interactions we have with people with whom we have weak relationships, such as commuters, store employees, neighbors, and others, the happier and more satisfied we feel with our days.
You can check the pieces of art as well; appreciation of paintings and sculptures helps to make you accurate observers. You can also take some lessons and learn something, whether it's harp playing, a new language, chess playing, computer programming, or rock climbing, which builds and maintains cognitive function.
"Grow up challenging yourself and always finding new opportunities, which prevents us from feeling too comfortable," advises Sonja Lyubomirsky, a Ph.D.-holding psychology professor at the University of California, Riverside, and author of The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want.
In Conclusion:
Above all, seek for assistance; we need one another as people.
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