Note: This article is from author David Lee, who shares some effective tips for dealing with negative people.
He was reeling, he looked gloomy, and I found his comments in the classroom to be consistently negative. He was the kind of attendee one would like to apologize attendance for being sick that day. He was the type of negative that supervisors were afraid to talk to and found it difficult to deal with.
It was an in-house program, and we all had lunch together. I waited until the end to get past the lunch queue, and when I got to our set of tables, I was horrified to discover that the only seat left was opposite Mike.
I had the toughness to prepare for an unpleasant lunch conversation; instead, I got a new perspective on Mike and his version of “negative people.”
How negativity can be an indicator of positive intention?
I could see the positive roots of Mike's negativity; as he talked about what bothered him about his employer, it became clear that Mike cared deeply about that employer, the reputation of his products, and he and his colleague's ability to produce high-quality products.
He was constantly frustrated that his fears and suggestions were not heard repeatedly. He was frustrated that, in his view, the Department had not lived up to its stated commitment to producing the best possible product.
I was shocked to discover that Mike's bad attitude was not due to his lack of interest or discontent; it was due to his intense interest, and his fears were constantly ignored.
Is negativity a symptom or a lifestyle?
Some people are negative by habit, which is how they behave; they look at the world through the sarcasm and doubt lens; they like to be skeptical, blame it, and declare themselves victims. They involuntarily believe that new ideas won't work and that change is wrong; so, through a combination of nature, upbringing, and personal choice, negativity is their usual response.
But there is another group of people perceived as negative, who are grouped with the previous group but should not be.
These people have an innate ability to see potential negative aspects of things but do not know how to express them skillfully and usefully.
You want these people on your team. Although you may not enjoy their company, you need them because if you only get people on your team shouting, “We can do this! This idea is great!” be prepared for unnecessary mistakes and catastrophes.
People who think about the big picture don't look for what can't work, nor do they exert themselves to see small details that can go off the rails; their mindset is programmed to see how things can work (even when they can't). It would help if you had people who think about what can go wrong to balance the group who think everything can work out.
They have a strong desire for excellence; they want the employer to be one of the best people in their field, and in both cases, they feel frustrated. Because their fears have gone unheeded, they feel disenfranchised. Because they value excellence so much and want to do their best and be in the ranks of the best, they are frustrated, mainly because their fears are ignored, and their ability to consistently do their best is frustrated.
In Black Hawk Down at Work, psychologist Thomas Britt studied morale among soldiers involved in the ill-fated mission to Somalia in 1992.
Interviews with soldiers revealed that the threat of battle was not their most significant difficulty; what was most difficult were unclear expectations and other operational obstacles that made it difficult for them to do the task they were asked to do. And they found that very frustrating.
Moreover, Brett and his team discovered a relationship between commitment and morale; he talked about this negative problem that arose from commitment by saying:
“We discovered that the most committed and personally invested soldiers, those who rated work-related values as the most important and put morale and job satisfaction down in the face of insurmountable obstacles. Easily, the soldiers who cared most about their work were the most frustrated when they were held back from doing their best”.
9 Tips for Positively Dealing with Negative People
How do you deal with someone's “negativity” without making them think you would like them to keep quiet? How do you help them see that their approach is unproductive while you still encourage them to talk? Here are nine techniques for doing so.
1. "Name the Game"
While the term “game” sometimes refers to some kind of manipulation or hidden agenda you need to address (as in this case), it easily means the pattern of repetitive behavior you want to discuss. When you do this, you need to:
- Describe the behavior you're talking about in clear terms so the person knows what you're referring to. Use a specific recent example as a starting point.
- Declaring that the last example is part of an ongoing pattern. For example: “Jack, I wanted to discuss your comment on Nicole this morning in the meeting when she suggested so-and-so. And you immediately said, "Bullshit." You tried that years ago, and it didn't work out so well.”
2. Assume Positive Intent
People we see as “negative” often try to be helpful and want to prevent others from making what they see as a serious mistake; however, they express their concerns and point of view in a hateful and distasteful way.
If we easily criticize their approach and do not acknowledge their positive intentions, they are likely to feel that their fears and opinions are unwelcome. If they receive this message, their interest in contributing in the future will diminish, so it is essential to recognize the value their perspective and engagement can bring if they communicate it effectively.
Examples: “I know you're trying to be helpful by saying that,” or “I imagine you're trying to save us from wasting time and money on something you think won't work”.
3. Explain what you are not saying or noting
This is excellent advice from the authors of (Crucial Confrontations); it helps you prevent potential misunderstandings and thus prevents the other person from becoming defensive.
Example: “I'm not asking you or anyone else not to talk if you think an idea is not good or if you see a potential problem. We definitely need people in the team to do that”.
4. Ask about their positive intentions
As well as acknowledging the usefulness of someone who can see potential flaws in an idea, ask them to share their actual intention. In doing so, be aware that people are often unaware of their true intentions and will come up with explanations that make sense to them but are not necessarily true.
Even if a person's explanation for why they are doing what they are doing is not based on reality, talking about them with ease helps put them on the table and allows you to discuss more productive ways to achieve their stated intentions.
Example: “So, can you share what you were thinking when you said that?” Or , “When you say so and so, what do you want to achieve with that saying?”.
5. Link Cause and Effect
People who say things that upset or alienate others often have no idea how much they are influencing others or what price they are paying for the impact they are making.
You want to be sure to express your perception of the impact of their behavior during this conversation, both in terms of what matters to you (for example, team performance) and what matters to them (for instance, how willing others are to listen to and take them seriously).
Some examples are:
- When you say things like, “Bullshit, I've been there, I've done that,” or when you immediately say, “It's not going to work,” you end up alienating the group, even though your goal is to be helpful. I don't know if you've noticed, but people stop giving their opinions after you say such things.
- Another concern I have about the impact of this is how it affects the way other people see you and react to your thoughts. Do you know what it's like if someone always says, “This is never going to work,” or seems to see negativity in everything? Surely, you'll stop wanting to listen to them because they are frustrated. I'm afraid that happens to you; even though you have valuable ideas, I'm concerned that how you present them reduces the willingness of others to listen to them.
6. Ask if they understand
Often, when working with managers, when I offer them coaching on how to proceed after the problem has been raised, many want to jump straight to the other person's question: “Well then, what should we do about it?”. If the other person doesn't understand what you're talking about, it's tough to have a productive conversation about possible solutions and an action plan.
Example: “Do you know what I mean?” Or, “Do you know what I mean by so-and-so?”.
7. Ask for their perspective
They may understand what you're saying but see it very differently. How much do they invest in problem-solving If they disagree with your perception or assessment?
Think about times when someone has identified a situation in a way you disagree and hasn't asked or listened to your point of view; instead, follow through on the action plan. Think about how angry, resentful, and misunderstood you feel, so be sure to ask for their perspective. Example: “So, what do you think of that?”.
8. Involve them in finding alternative approaches
As you know, the more someone is involved in finding solutions and a business plan, the more investment they will feel.
Example: “So, since we both think it's important to have someone who can see and point out potential problems, let's talk about how to do this in a way that works best. I have some ideas, but first, I want to hear your thoughts. What other ways could you share your concerns? ”.
9. Thank them for raising this issue
Let them know that you appreciate their willingness to talk about it. If they are open-minded and not very defensive, acknowledge how much you appreciate it.
Many, if not most, people find it uncomfortable to talk about personal problems, so when someone is willing to do it, it's nice to appreciate it.
Example: “Thank you for being open to talking about this. I really appreciate that," or "I appreciate your openness to talking about this, as one of the most important qualities I look for in a team member is being open to feedback and being willing to talk about things; I appreciate and respect that you do".
Put it all together in the form of a declaration and an invitation
In the constructive conversation model, I use an easy two-step process to describe how to raise a problem; you “announce” the problem and then “invite” the person into a conversation about it.
My general guideline for this process is: “Use enough words to get your point across and get them into the conversation as quickly as possible” because if you use many words, it will sound like a lecture. However, if you don't provide enough context (i.e., be very brief), the person is likely to become confused; this can lead to frustration, which in turn often leads to anger and aggression.
While you may want to reach all nine points in the list above, you don't have to cover them in the opening announcement/ invitation.
Here are two examples you might use in this case:
- Example: "Jack, I wanted to discuss your comment on Nicole this morning at the meeting when she suggested so-and-so. And you immediately said, "Bullshit". You tried that years ago, and it didn't work out so well ". I wanted to talk about it because I heard you say similar things over the last few months when you disagreed with someone, and I'm worried about the impact that has on the team. More specifically, how willing people are to share their ideas. Do you know what I mean?".
- Example: "Jack, I wanted to discuss your comment on Nicole this morning at the meeting when she suggested so-and-so. And you immediately said, "Bullshit." You tried that years ago, and it didn't work out so well ". While I appreciate your desire not to waste time and effort on something that won't work, I think it would be helpful if we could come up with a way to share what I believe is a valuable perspective in a more listening and friendly manner; Because my concern is that the approach you use turns people away from you, instead of making it comfortable for them to discuss their views. Do you know what I mean?".
Notice I didn't say, "I want to talk to you about..."While this may work well for someone who is not vulnerable to defense, the phrase “I want to talk to you about…” And “you're in trouble” may seem a bit ominous to someone you've had a history of difficult conversations with.
How can this be used to make a difference?
Please don't just move on to thinking: "Hmm... It's interesting. I'll try to keep that in mind”.
Let this article work for you and make a difference in your organization. Not only will this help increase your ability to reintegrate non-interacting people, but it will also help make managers' lives easier. Nothing drains our energy like trying to make negative people respond more positively.
Encourage your manager to share this with people they view as negative and use it as a conversation starter. If you don't think they have the skills to make the conversation productive, offer them coaching or invest in training and coaching.
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