Note: This article is based on an article by Marc Chernoff, in which he tells us about some toxic beliefs that most people consider normal.
I thought about my failures until I missed my successes, gave up my dreams to feel comfortable, stuck with my fears, and held love and happiness by refusing to be honest about my feelings. Although I did all this, I sat down wondering why life was so miserable.
Obviously, I was very lost, and my toxic beliefs and the following behaviors got me and defeated me. Still, after intensive soul-searching and diligent daily reading and practice, I learned to do things differently and regained my value and confidence in myself and my abilities.
I tell you this because I know that you suffer from similar internal conflicts. We all go through this, and sometimes, the thoughts and habits we feel comfortable with end up killing us from within.
As a veteran life coach, who spent the bulk of a decade delivering coaching to thousands of people online or face-to-face, I now realize that most of the toxic beliefs I suffered from earlier in my life are very common. I have touched the same toxic beliefs in the lives of new clients time and time again.
The most common beliefs you should be aware of
1. The present is a guide to the future
When things don't go well, we automatically assume and conclude that the future brings more of the same bad things. For some strange reasons, this only happens a little when things are going well. Laughter, smiling, and a warm fuzzy feeling are all fleeting moments, and we know that.
We live the beautiful days without dwelling on them and let them go peacefully. Still, when we are going through depression, fear, or struggling for something, it is easy to accumulate more pain assuming tomorrow will be exactly like today.
This is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you do not go beyond what happened, what was said, and what you felt, you will look at your future through the same lens. You will not find what is capable of restoring serenity to your fuzzy thinking, so you will continue to justify and strengthen the perception that was not supposed to exist from the beginning.
2. It's too late to make a change
Life is not going in a straight line. There is no one right path for you or anyone else or a specific timeline of your life's milestones, but sometimes the pressure from peers, family, work, and community is enough to make us broken inside. We assume we are broken somehow if we don't have the right job, relationship, lifestyle, etc., at a certain age or time frame.
But this is not true. You always have the opportunity to change when you need it and the chance to step back and discover what inspires you at different stages of your life. Life is supposed to be a series of turns that seems like a mess, but it is lovely. So, whatever situation you are in now, know that you can change if you want to. It is up to you. You only have to change yourself and choose something new.
3. Being vulnerable or in need of support is dangerous
We are all afraid to be complaining and talk, or very sensitive, or let others know what they mean to us. Still, this situation could be improved. Love and happiness is weakness, and adventure to be weak and need support is the price of opening up to beauty and opportunities. To be helpless is not about showing the charming and shiny parts of you.
Still, it is about revealing the simple embarrassing matters you prefer to hide from the world, as it is about facing the world with an honest and open heart and saying: "This is me, accept me as I am, or leave me."
However, it is difficult to admit your weakness in this way because the risk is massive, but remember, indifference is a safe bet. Because love and happiness are born from our willingness to express our fear of losing something dear to our hearts, automatically hiding our weakness means hiding everything we want and desire.
4. Being alone is a big problem
This is wrong. If you don't love yourself when you're with someone else, that's the real problem. It's time to change that fact, but you must choose your relationships wisely. Don't let loneliness drive you to deal with or stay with people you know you don't belong to, and live a loving relationship when you're ready, not alone.
Discover true love and the rare intimacy that motivates you to be a better person, not just casual relationships. Still, you might say, “I don't want to be alone.” So change your mind, be alone, eat, go out, and sleep alone.
By doing these things alone, you will learn a lot about yourself, you will grow, you will discover what inspires you, and you will achieve your dreams and your own beliefs. Also, when you meet the right person who makes you honest with yourself, you will be confident in them because you will be confident in yourself.
Bottom line: Take your time with love, and wait until you really find it. A great relationship is worth waiting for.
5. Acceptance by others is recommended
Sometimes, you may ask yourself, “Who am I to think I can do this?” When you have to say, “Who am I to think I can't?” Ignore your doubts, and do not have to agree or fit the opinion of others. Distinguish and think about it: If you spend your whole life focusing on the others in you, will you forget who you really were? What if the face you showed the world turned into a mask, and nothing was underneath it?
This happens when you spend all your time trying to be that person others want. So, do not underestimate yourself, and do not lose your self-esteem to be accepted by others. Doing so remains the same and does not provide any benefit.
Humility is not beneficial so that others do not feel insecure around you. You were created to shine and show your ingenuity, and the more you shine, you subconsciously inspire those around you and motivate them to shine. Also, when you are free from your fear of excellence, your self-confidence also frees others from their fears.
6. There is a perfect steady level that suits me
We humans often strive to achieve virtual and static idealism, and we do so when we look for the perfect home, job, friend, lover, etc. The problem is that idealism does not exist in a static state because life is a continuous journey, constantly evolving and changing, and what is here today is not exactly the same tomorrow. That ideal home, job, friend, or lover will be challenging.
But with some patience and an open mind, over time, this imperfect home develops into a comfortable home, this bad job develops into a rewarding career, this inferior and inadequate friend becomes friendly, and you can lean on, and this imperfect lover becomes the partner of a lifetime; it's just a matter of giving up the search for perfection.
7. Taking everything personally
People become toxic to themselves and others when they think everything that happens in the world is a direct attack on them, or in some way, everything revolves around them. Still, the truth is that what others say and do to you is more about them than it is about you, and people's reactions to you are more about their views, problems, and life experiences. Also, whether people think you're great or they think you're usual, it's more about them.
I'm not saying that we should be narcissistic and ignore all feedback. However, I'm saying that a great deal of the hurt, disappointment, and sadness in our lives comes from taking things personally. In most cases, it's best to dispense with others' good or bad opinions of you and to treat your intuition and wisdom as your guide.
8. You should never be sad
The desire for constant happiness only makes us miserable. There is nothing fixed in life, no absolute happiness and no absolute sadness. There are only changes in our mood that swing between these two extremes.
At any moment, we compare what we feel to what we regarded at another time, and we parallel one level of contentment to another. In this way, those who felt very sad are the best to feel the feelings of increased happiness after we recover emotionally.
We have to know misery to be able to determine the feeling of happiness. However, the solution is to live your entire life every day and to experience all the vicissitudes of life and its positives and negatives, and all the moods in between, and not only focus on happiness.
Still, focus on living a balanced and integrated life. Happiness is part of this equation, as well as sadness, difficulty, frustration, and failure, and overcoming these last points supports your personal growth much more than continuous happiness.
In conclusion
If you hold any of these toxic beliefs, remember that you are not alone, as we all have unhealthy thoughts and tendencies buried deep inside us and have the ability to sneak up on us sometimes. As mentioned above, the solution is awareness, discovering, and avoiding these beliefs before they sneak into your daily life.
Add comment