When we hurt others, we feel sorry and apologize in the hope of making amends. Yet, we often beat ourselves up for the mistakes we make, and develop negative thoughts about ourselves.
These experiences include feelings of shame and guilt, and although they're like poles - one is synonymous with the other - but they're a little different.
Shame and guilt
Feelings of shame and guilt can be very similar. In both cases, we feel bad about ourselves. Guilt can be understood as feeling disappointed in oneself for violating an important inner value or rules of behavior. Guilt can be healthy, it can lead to a positive change in behavior.
As for shame, it's also disappointment in oneself, but no value is violated. When we feel guilty, we feel bad about something we've done or overlooked, but when we feel shame, we feel bad about ourselves. When we feel guilty, we need to learn that it's okay to mess up, but when we feel ashamed we need to learn that it's okay to be who we are.
Shame is unhealthy. It leads to low self-esteem - a feeling of unworthiness - which is a behavior that reinforces a negative self-image. Shame can also lead to self-criticism, self-blame, self-neglect, self-destructive behaviors, self-sabotaging behavior, the belief that you don't deserve good things, as well as feelings of anger.
Self-forgiveness
Self-forgiveness can help us ease the feeling of shame in particular. Self-forgiveness leads to emotional stability and peace of mind. The more you recover from shame, the more you'll be able to see yourself clearly from both the good and the bad side, and you'll be able to recognize and acknowledge how you hurt yourself and others.
Compassion is the antidote to shame - it neutralizes and detoxifies shame. Self-forgiveness is an important aspect of self-compassion. It soothes our body, mind, and spirit from the pain of shame and facilitates recovery.
How can I practice self-forgiveness?
1. Self-understanding
Understanding the experiences, trauma and stress you've experienced throughout your life to develop negative thought patterns can lead to forgiving yourself for the ways you have hurt yourself or others. Understanding the reasons underlying your actions and beliefs can help you stop blaming yourself for choices you may or may not have made.
Research shows that the long-term effects of trauma are more pronounced when people are under stress, in new situations they wouldn't normally be exposed to, or in situations that remind them of traumatic circumstances.
So some situations may trigger reactions we sometimes wish we didn't possess at all. However, understanding yourself through healthy coping skills, therapy and support can greatly improve your ability to forgive and move forward.
2. Common Humanity and Self-compassion
Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the field of self-compassion, stated that appreciation of the common human experience - what she calls “common humanity” - is a second key element of self-compassion in her book Self-Compassion. She also stated that “self-compassion underpins the fact that all human beings are prone to mistakes, and that wrong choices and feelings of regret are inevitable.”
We've all made mistakes. Knowing this and that you're not alone can help you have compassion and forgiveness for yourself. Self-compassion doesn't absolve you from taking responsibility for your actions, but it can set you free from negative self-talk that prevents you from forgiving yourself, and allow you to respond with clarity to the situation.
When you investigate your mistakes, it becomes clear that you didn't consciously choose to commit them, and even in the rare cases when you did make a conscious decision, your actions were motivated by other experiences. You formed certain patterns because of the shame you felt, external circumstances, and additional pressures. These external circumstances can be either genetic factors, family experiences, or life circumstances.
As Christine wrote in her book Self-Compassion: “When we begin to recognize that we are the products of myriad factors, we don't need to take our own failures personally, and we can be less judgmental of ourselves and others when we acknowledge the complex web of reasons and circumstances with which we're all integrated. A deep understanding of interconnectedness allows us to empathize with the fact that we're doing the best we can in the life that we've been given.”
3. Earn forgiveness for yourself
If you find yourself struggling with self-forgiveness, be honest and curious with yourself. Ask yourself, “Why don’t I want to forgive myself?” If your answer is, “I don’t deserve it,” then that's your shame speaking, and if you still feel unworthy of forgiveness, then maybe you think you have to earn it.
Highlights
How to earn forgiveness? Be honest about what you feel you need to be forgiven for, and be honest with yourself about what you did that you feel might allow you to change some negative beliefs and be more compassionate and forgiving of yourself.
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