5 Misconceptions About Self-Compassion

Note: This article is adapted from blogger Kristin Neff, who talks about the misconceptions surrounding self-compassion.

Still, there is confusion when it comes to self-compassion, it is associated with many undesirable qualities such as vanity, self-pity, self-interest, and selfishness; We still believe to this day that we must always punish ourselves to protect it from the moral immorality embodied in arrogance, laziness, and egoism.

Let's take an example of a primary school teacher who is 39 years old, and her family consists of a loving husband and two children. She is a very kind, dedicated wife, an interested mother, a supportive friend, and a loyal teacher. She also devotes part of her time to volunteering in charitable organizations. She is ideal to be followed. But she always feels tired and suffers from high levels of anxiety, depression, insomnia, and chronic digestive problems. She feels guilty when she sometimes loses her nerves with her children or students. Despite all this, she is very hard on herself. She feels the effort she is making is insufficient. She is like many people, and like them, she did not think of her before to be kind to herself, as if the idea of dealing with herself gently and understanding seems to her naive and makes her irresponsible.

She's not the only one who feels this way. Many people are obsessed with self-compassion, perhaps because they don't understand what it is or how to practice it; mindfulness is the well-known form of “self-compassion,” which is widespread today in the West.

While mindfulness - which focuses on accepting and being aware of experiences without allowing negative emotions to control us - is essential to self-compassion, it lacks an important element. Self-compassion is more than approving experiences with open-mindedness ; it adds an extra benefit to our lives even when the occasion is painful. Self-compassion also carries wisdom, the realization of our humanity, and accepting the fact that we are all flawed, imperfect, and unfortunately vulnerable on this planet. All of this is self-evident, but we sometimes forget about it. We believe that things constantly should go well and that every obstacle is a disaster in our lives and a departure from the norm.

Some of the things we face that shouldn't happen to make us feel ashamed and isolate us from others; At those times, remembering that we are not the only ones who suffer and hardship and difficulties are an integral part of human existence, will make a big difference.

Fortunately, this approach is consistent with increasingly impressive research findings that show that gently treating ourselves is essential to our emotional well-being because it helps us avoid the consequences of judging ourselves harshly, such as depression, anxiety, and stress, and leads to a more optimistic outlook on life. Importantly , research has shown that many beliefs about self-compassion are wrong and the cause of the constant self-criticism we direct toward ourselves.

5 of the misconceptions about self-storming

1. Self-compassion is a kind of self-pity

One of the misconceptions about self-compassion is that it means feeling sorry for yourself; Still, self-compassion is actually a cure for self-pity and the habit of complaining about bad luck because it helps you accept, feel, and gently acknowledge negative feelings, which benefits you to understand them instead of ignoring them.

Research shows that people who practice self-compassion are less likely to feel self-pity and think about how bad they are than people who don't. Instead, they smoothly realize that life is difficult for everyone, including themselves. They accept the challenges they face as usual and feel a connection between themselves and others based on that pain. At the same time, they are committed to providing emotional support for themselves, which is one of the reasons why people who practice self-compassion enjoy psychological well-being.

2. Self-compassion is a kind of weakness

Suppose that a person was betrayed after they considered themselves strong and an ideal partner, successful in their work and a breadwinner for their family; So they were shattered by their partner's abandonment and felt guilty in their secret; because they did not meet their emotional needs before looking for them with another person, and does not want to admit to themselves how much pain they still feel and how difficult it is to follow their life; When their colleague suggested sympathizing with themselves when they think about the subject, These people quickly replied that they do not have time for those naive and gentle ideas; These people had to rely on their strength to maintain their self-esteem during divorce and is not ready to give up their power now, and what they do not know is that their searchers found that self-compassion is one of the most powerful sources of psychological flexibility and adaptation.

Research has shown that when we go through a harsh circumstance in our lives, whether it is a divorce, a terminal illness, or a psychologically painful experience, self-compassion seems to be the main factor in our ability to overcome it and even grow after it; that person assumed that acting strongly during their divorce by suppressing their sense of pain and shame is what enabled them to overcome it; Still, they did not actually get over it; Rather, they were stuck at that stage of their life, and their shame began to affect their career as well, which made them cruel and sharp in a way that isolated them from their students and colleagues, as they lacked self-compassion that could have helped them move forward in their life.

The life difficulties you face determine your ability to cope with circumstances successfully; The most important is how you treat yourself during challenging times, either as a friend or enemy.

3. Self-compassion causes inaction

Perhaps the biggest obstacle standing in the way of self-compassion is our belief that it will reduce our impulse to provide a better level of performance. The idea here is that if we do not criticize ourselves when we do not achieve the standards we have set for ourselves, we will allow ourselves to be lazy and act defeatist. But let's stop for a minute and think about how teachers will motivate their students effectively. When a student fails a test even after studying, you do not find the teacher looking at them with disgust telling them they are a failure and have no future, and ashamed of them as we say to ourselves when we do not achieve our high expectations. Teachers do not do this because they know that the shame the students will feel afterward will forfeit their faith in themselves, and eventually, they will stop making efforts.

Instead, good teachers follow an encouraging approach, comforting the student and telling them that everyone is going through a similar experience, that failure is a way to learn, and then trying to help them discover problems in how they prepare for the test and correct them. They are always ready to provide support to the student and believe in his abilities.

Notice here the sincere recognition of failure, sympathy for the student's disappointment, and encouragement to overcome this current obstacle on the way to his goal; this type of caring response helps people maintain their self-confidence and feel that some support them emotionally, and unfortunately, this is not the way we follow with ourselves when we fail or make mistakes, for some reason, we believe that reprimanding ourselves is necessary to achieve our goals and that depression, anxiety, and stress are the consequences of not doing enough.

Many pieces of research clearly show that self-compassion is a far more effective force as a personal motivation than punishing ourselves. It helps us choose learning goals instead of performance goals, relieves the fear of failure and performance anxiety, and encourages a growth mindset. It also strengthens a sense of personal responsibility when we feel safe to admit our mistakes. To do our best, we must use the same principles we know work for others: support, encouragement, kindness, constructive criticism, and sometimes firm boundaries. All of this is a far more effective way than attacking ourselves.

4. Self-advocacy of narcissistic qualities

Self-esteem in American culture requires distinguishing a person from those around them and being unique and better than others. No one will be happy when they are described as an ordinary teacher, a good husband, or a parent like others, or that their IQ is average, but everyone can't be above average at the same time; While we may excel in some areas, there is always another person who is more successful, intelligent and prettier than us, that is, we will always feel like losers when we compare ourselves to these people who are better than us.

The desire to achieve a higher-than-average level and achieve and maintain a sense of elusive self-esteem may lead us to behave evilly. Research shows that one of the reasons adolescents, in their early adolescence, bully others is the desire to increase their self-esteem, from the principle that they feel that their value increases when others see them as strong people compared to the coward they harass. Self-esteem also plays a role in bias, when a person believes that the group to which they belong, whether it is race, sex, or political current, will increase their self-esteem.

The focus on self-esteem in American society has led to worrying tendencies. Today's college students' narcissism is at record highs, even though mental health is at an all-time low. Researchers attribute part of this to well-meaning but misguided parents. They tell their children how special and wonderful they are in trying to increase children's self-esteem. Self-compassion is different from self-esteem. Self-esteem is a person's positive self-assessment. While Self-compassion is far from making judgments or evaluating. It is a way to deal with the ever-changing environment of ourselves with kindness and acceptance, especially when we fail or feel inadequate. That is, self-esteem requires that we feel better than others, while self-compassion smoothly requires recognition that we are all human, imperfect, which is a permanent reality.

5. Self-kindness from of selfishness qualities

Many people are skeptical of self-compassion because they confuse it with selfishness. For example, the teacher we talked about in the first example spends her day teaching her students, her evening preparing for lessons and taking care of her family, and her days off volunteering to work with charitable organizations. She grew up in a family that focuses on the importance of serving others. She believes that spending time and energy dealing gently and caring for herself will automatically mean neglecting others for her selfish desires. There are many like her. They are kind, generous, and altruistic; Still, they treat themselves horribly thinking that this is necessary to be good people.

But  self-compassion is not useless when you think about the times when you feel ashamed and criticize yourself; you do not focus on others and do not have enough time or energy to help them; but you are so absorbed in judging yourself that you will have the ability to think only about yourself and being a worthless and insufficient person, and the irony here is that scolding yourself is a kind of narcissism when we are kind to ourselves and take care of ourselves, we meet our emotional needs, which allows us to focus on others better.

Research shows that self-compassionate teachers are more likely to provide emotional support to their pupils than others in terms of creating a positive classroom environment.

They are more sensitive and respectful of their pupils' perspectives, and in romantic relationships, their partners describe them as more caring, receptive, and supportive than their self-critical peers. People who practice self-compassion are generally more tolerant and able to understand the point of view of others.

It is not clear in the research whether self-compassion is necessary for empathizing with others; Many people are adept at taking care of others while neglecting themselves, but there is an increasing amount of research suggesting that self-compassion helps people continue to practice caring behavior - for example, compassionate teachers are less likely to suffer from burnout and anxiety, are satisfied with their careers, and feel energized, happy, and grateful for their ability to make a difference in the world.

When we sympathize with ourselves, we leave a protective distance that allows us to understand and feel the suffering people without draining our energy, and the people we care about will feel our sympathy through the process of empathic resonance; that is, the compassion we practice towards ourselves is reflected directly on others.

When teachers feel sympathy for the pain of students who suffer from anxiety, depression, family trauma, violence, eating disorders, etc., in addition to the pressures of their other profession, they need to recognize how challenging their tasks are and provide support and sympathy for themselves to avoid fatigue and not lose interest in their work;

Thus they help themselves, and their students will feel reassured and psychological comfort that they develop as a result.

I know all this from my experience in raising an autistic child. My son Rowan is 18 years old today. He is a loving young man. I do not have difficulty taking care of him, but the condition was different in the past. I often faced situations I thought I could not deal with, and I needed to rely on self-compassion to overcome adversity.

One time when Rowan was five years old, I took him to England to visit his grandparents. During our flight on the plane, Rowan had a tantrum. I do not know until today what was the cause of it, but I suddenly found myself trying to calm a child screaming and wandering on a plane filled with people staring at us with discomfort.

I tried to take Rowan to the toilet wishing that the closed door would mute his voice, but after walking with difficulty between the seats, I tried to prevent Rowan from colliding with other passengers; I found the toilet was busy.

I felt helpless and hopeless when I sat with Rowan in the narrow space in front of the bathroom, and then I remembered self-compassion, and I said to myself: “It's okay, honey, this is a difficult situation, and I'm sorry you have to go through it, but don't worry, I'm here with you”; While I made sure that Rowan was safe, most of my attention was directed towards calming myself, the thought of kindness overwhelmed me to the point that it took over my experience more than my screaming child, and moreover, Rowan calmed down when my state of mind became more reassuring and loving so that I calmed myself was calming him as well.

When we gently take care of ourselves when we suffer; we open our hearts; Compassion enables us to offer love, wisdom, courage, and generosity; it is a psychological and emotional state without limits or direction, available to every person.

Teachers already know how to support their pupils and deal with them kindly, all they have to do now is allow themselves to deal with themselves in the same way, the strict realistic methods of experimental science today highlight the capabilities of self-compassion, and increasing research proves conclusively, that self-compassion is essential to psychological health, and can be strengthened through learning and practice like many other helpful habits.

Being kind to ourselves is not a luxury and selfishness as belief prevails; it is a practice that makes us happy and benefits those around us.