Our teenage crushes, when we were quiet and reserved and didn't express our feelings, serve as an illustration of this.
We continue to ponder what would have happened if we had confessed our feelings, even years later. Perhaps they had the same feeling. Our relationship could have developed, and we could have gotten married.
Counterfactual thinking
The French author Albert Camus offers a wonderful definition of life: “the sum of all who engage in a specific thought process called counterfactual thinking.” An expert in decision-making and social psychology, Dr. Neal Roese, studied this type of thinking extensively.
He explained that when we imagine how things could have been worse, such as when you think, “I’m so glad it’s only my car that got hurt in this accident, if I had driven a little faster, I could have been injured.” We practice downward counterfactual thinking, which leads to an increased sense of relief, optimism, and even gratitude. It makes us feel better.
On the other hand, when we discover what we could have done better than we did—upward counterfactual thinking—like thinking, “If I had studied more for this test, I would have gotten a better grade,” we often feel guilt and remorse, and we may blame ourselves. It may be tempting to avoid this kind of thinking and the negative impact associated with it, but that is actually not healthy.
Looking at Counterfactual Thinking as a Scientific Experiment
| Knowing what to do but not acting on it does not make us better. |
Research has proven that upward counterfactual thinking is an amazing adaptive mechanism that allows us to understand where we made a mistake in order to avoid repeating it in the future.
One of the Disney movies, “The Lion King,” explains this idea perfectly. Simba, the heir to the throne, blames himself for his father’s death. He leaves his homeland for years, trying to hide and forget his guilt. When Rafiki, the wise monkey, finally finds him, he gives him life-changing advice.
When Simba explains that he is afraid to go back and face his past, the monkey hits him on the head with a stick. Simba shouts, “Why did you do that?” to which the wise monkey replies, “It doesn’t matter; it’s in the past.” After these words, the monkey tries to hit the lion again, but this time Simba dodges the attack, proving the point that “we can learn from our past” and improve.
Knowing what to do but not acting on it does not make us better. Knowing we should study more to get better grades is part of the process, but if we don’t actually study, it’s useless. Worse, overthinking counterfactuals can increase our fears, affect us negatively, and have a serious impact on our mental health.
As a result, one of the basic principles when practicing upward counterfactual thinking is to view it as a scientific experiment. We notice what we have done and make assumptions about what could have been done better. Even for the test, we have no conclusions but hypotheses.
There is an absolute need to balance our thinking with actions to validate our assumptions, turn them into conclusions, and grow from what we have learned. If we do not act, we won’t be able to obtain certainty, and we will remain neck-deep in doubt, constantly thinking the same thoughts without making any progress.
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