Do you enjoy when others judge and criticize you? Does their criticism encourage you to thrive or boost your self-confidence? Would you be silent if someone bullied your child or harassed your friend? These are undoubtedly painful experiences. However, why do you let the voices in your head do the same to you? Why are you bullying yourself?
We all sometimes doubt our abilities and want to improve certain aspects of our personalities, attitudes, appearance, or skills. That's normal, yet constantly thinking of ourselves as not being good enough is something completely different.
Where does harsh self-judgment come from?
Harsh self-judgment arises from traumatic childhood experiences that have left a child with emotional scars, since children are more vulnerable and susceptible to negativity. Harsh criticism from parents, teachers, or peers can easily destroy their confidence, as this makes them feel insecure or incompetent.
The desire to avoid criticism from others in the future may push us to set standards for ourselves and prepare us to believe that we need to be perfect and better than others in order to be liked.
Does self-criticism help us be better?
Pursuing perfection in its positive form can help us be more successful. However, self-criticism hinders our progress. Negative self-talk and worrying about what others might say can drain the energy that we should have used to develop ourselves.
The results of five psychological studies stated a consistent pattern of a negative relationship between self-criticism and self-development. Participants reported significantly less progress toward their goals when they criticized themselves excessively. However, when self-criticism was under control, participants reported significantly greater progress.
Many people may think that being your own watchdog is the best way to be a good person. Advertisements and exercise videos have taught us that if we scold ourselves enough, we'll get out of bed stronger and be more productive.
We prefer the stick over the carrot
Educational institutions have reduced violent child-rearing by teaching through rewards rather than punishment, yet we still often prefer the stick method instead of the carrot one.
An American therapist says, "A lot of patients come to my clinic and tell me how they torture themselves in their attempts to lose weight, as those patients tell themselves that they look like whales. In addition, while trying to be better parents, they scare themselves into thinking they are ruining their children, and in the hope of getting better at their career, they call themselves useless or pathetic."
We grow with empathy and inclusion
Empathy is often a better motivator than cruelty. Let's be clear: this behavior does not work. Imagine a child who wants to learn math, but the teacher constantly insults him, calls him stupid, and points out his mistakes.
Most people who are under this kind of pressure will either agree that they are unable to do it or rebel and refuse to try again. No one has ever felt so energized and ready to learn after their failures were mocked.
Allow yourself to fail
Instead, try to be kind to yourself. Allowing yourself to fail gives you enough energy to bounce back from a stumble and start over. If you want to develop perseverance, resilience, and determination, you can reinforce these qualities by praising your efforts. Support and self-encouragement lead to continuing the difficult task of self-improvement.
Find out the best strategies for changing your attitude towards yourself
If you find yourself stuck in the method of using punishment as a motivator, here are some quick tips to change this rooted habit:
1. Stop Overthinking
Imagine a red stop sign. Stop and start shouting loudly or in your head and stomp your foot hard on the ground. Or imagine yourself walking. This action grabs your attention and reminds you that overthinking is useless and that you are trying to change it.
By using these methods consistently, you will reach a satisfactory result. Getting rid of overthinking creates a new habit as opposed to the old, mindless pattern of self-criticism.
2. Change your thoughts
Create different models that stir action. For example, instead of saying, "I'm so stupid," you might say, "I'm committed to reading more," and make positivity and action your motto. Write the new phrase on sticky notes and put it in a place where you can see it every day.
3. Self-compassion
Self-compassion is often a better motivator than cruelty. "I'm trying hard and I want to succeed" can energize you, while "I'm not good and will never succeed" is more likely to drain you. You may feel happy when you say warm and loving phrases to yourself, and after you get past your discomfort, you may be shocked at how satisfied you feel.
4. Be realistic
If you believe in taking your mistakes seriously, find them, but do so in a balanced way. Self-criticism helps you function better when it's constructive. Decide what you want to change and why: "I want to be healthier," and then admit your past mistakes: "I haven't exercised enough in the past." Then take a realistic view: "I'm working on feeling healthier, so I'm going to exercise this day." Constructive criticism can be difficult to practice, especially if you have a long history of obsession with perfectionism. In such cases, it is better to seek help from a trustworthy person.
5. Correct your thoughts
Some of the ideas formed by our brains are distorted and cannot be trusted. By knowing that these ideas are cognitive distortions or logical fallacies, we can get rid of their influence on our lives.
6. Observe your thoughts
Thoughts Observing means sitting and observing without making any judgment. It is an essential component of vigilance. Observing sounds like a simple process, but it can provide huge benefits. Objectivity often reduces the harshness of our critical thoughts. It also includes simple meditation, in which you relax, breathe, and acknowledge your feelings and thoughts without trying to fix them.
7. Stop comparing yourself to others
There is always someone better than you at something, and there are people who are less skilled than you too. Therefore, if you compare yourself to someone who is the best at what he does, you're losing the game.
We play so many roles throughout our lives that it's impossible to be better than 7 billion people at everything. Accept the fact that you're not a superhero and focus on being the best version of yourself.
8. View mistakes as learning opportunities
Life is a never-ending process of self-improvement, and mistakes are inevitable. It's a trip just like any jungle trek, where you'll take some wrong paths. The same applies to your life; see these mistakes as opportunities, as they show you what you need to develop to become your best self.
9. Take your time
It takes time to correct the bad habits you've had all your life, especially those deeply rooted ones like self-criticism. It takes a lot of effort to change the way you think and promote positive self-talk to reach a more calm and rational personality. Your life is a work in progress. Therefore, commit every day to doing something positive for yourself, practice being kind and patient with yourself, and most importantly, don't stress yourself out when things don't go according to plan.
In conclusion
No one is perfect, and even the best and smartest people make mistakes. Instead of thinking about failures, learn from them, move on, and silence the voice of self-criticism that constantly urges you to hurt and neglect yourself. Embrace yourself, accept your mistakes, learn from them, take a deep breath, and move on with your life.
Add comment