It can act like an impetuous child at times, encouraging you to make poor decisions like skipping work to stay up late watching TV. This voice is your "inner critic" thoughts, which are the root of many of our issues and negative behaviors like anxiety, depression, rage, and procrastination.
Being human means that you will always face uncomfortable feelings and thoughts, which you will be ready to do anything to stop or avoid.
However, doing so makes things worse, while complying with them or avoiding them means that you will lose control over yourself to your inner critical voice. You are now a puppet in its hands. Eventually, you will find yourself wondering how you got to this point in your life and why you didn't achieve the things you wanted to achieve.
We can console ourselves by knowing that everyone hears the inner critic speaking to them. We know this because people have been looking for a solution to it for a long time.
The strange thing is that the two best approaches that we have come up with to deal with it are based on ancient traditions and Stoicism that were trying to find effective solutions thousands of years ago. Cognitive behavioral therapy evolved from Stoicism, and ancient traditions inspired mindfulness. Each of them took a different approach to dealing with the voice that keeps expressing its opinion in our minds.
Cognitive behavioral therapy confronts thoughts with logic, while mindfulness accepts their presence and then helps you shift your attention to something different. There are common techniques between the two approaches, which are the reason for their effectiveness. The secret of their success has been unknown for a long time, but a recently published book mentions some interesting things.
At first, what we are going to ask you to do might seem a little strange, but stay focused with us for a few moments. Stand up and walk in the room, and while walking, say to yourself, “I cannot walk in the room.” You might feel stupid because your words and actions are completely inconsistent, but you will discover that this is the secret to their effectiveness.
A recent study found that practicing this simple exercise increases a person's ability to tolerate pain by 40%. People were able to touch a hot surface after practicing this exercise and endure pain twice as long as they could before the exercise.
Reminding yourself that the thoughts in your mind are not always correct and that you are not obligated to respond to them affects you strongly, as it changes your relationship with your inner critic so that you can ignore it more easily and continue doing the things you decided to do.
This has nothing to do with magic, horoscopes, or any of those superstitions. The secret is not about positive thinking, but quite the opposite. This isn't the only study to suggest that; 44 other studies have shown this effect.
The above is part of acceptance and commitment psychotherapy, which hundreds of studies have shown to be effective in a wide range of problems, such as depression, procrastination, and anxiety.
One of its developers, a Ph.D. named Stephen C. Hayes, who is among the 1,500 most cited researchers in all study fields on the "Google Scholar" search engine, discussed this approach in his book A Liberated Mind. While it is still too early to count these results as conclusive, they are proven enough to start applying and testing them.
Six secrets to help you deal with self-criticism
1. Change your relationship with your thoughts, not their content
It is normal for traumatic and catastrophic events to leave psychological scars, but people who accept and embrace their feelings are less likely to suffer from “PTSD” one year after the incident than people who insist on suppressing their feelings.
We need to acknowledge our thoughts and feel our feelings. It's impossible to live a life free of pain and negativity, and you wouldn't even want to. Pain is an advantage, not an inconvenience. Although it's not pleasant, it's necessary for us to realize the really important things in life that we have to take care of. Stephen said, “You hurt where you care, and you care where you hurt.”
Therefore, there is no simple way to get rid of negative feelings. When you try to suppress them, you suppress positive feelings as well.
According to research, you either welcome all that life presents to you or you don't get anything at all. As we mentioned, avoiding topics or situations that make you feel negative is not a useful strategy in the long run. Trying to avoid them allows them to control you and tighten the screws around you.
You must accept those painful thoughts and feelings as an integral part of life so that you can feel them and deal with them.
The Stoics knew this, and it was also proven by cognitive behavioral therapy. They demonstrated how much these unwanted thoughts can control our behavior and that we must accept their existence, but we are not obliged to submit to them.
According to the Stoics and cognitive behavioral therapy, we need "cognitive restructuring" to resist and correct wrong thinking patterns and habits. Here comes the role of the new study about the exercise we asked you to do earlier, where it seems that reasoning with yourself is not necessary.
Stephen said in his book A Liberated Mind, “Research shows that this part of the cognitive behavioral therapy approach is not the most effective component, and it is often better to learn to accept the fact that these unpleasant feelings and thoughts exist and then reduce their impact in our lives rather than trying to get rid of them.”
You might not need to convince yourself in an argument to validate your choices. The secret is to change your relationship with your thoughts and feelings rather than trying to change their content. This is what you should focus on while dealing with self-criticism.
For example, you can convince people with agoraphobia to visit a crowded mall using exposure therapy techniques from cognitive behavioral therapy. However, it seems that this technique is effective because of the contradiction created by the conflict between thoughts and reality, which reformulates the relationship between you and your self-criticism thoughts.
When you think that you will get hurt if you go out among people, but then you do it and you find that you are fine, you will stop taking these thoughts seriously, just like when you walk into the room and tell yourself you can't do that.
So you should try to change that relationship directly. To do so, you need to use the "Defusion" process, which is the opposite of "cognitive fusion," where a feeling or an idea takes over your mind. When you are distracted or upset because of something that is insignificant or does not affect your wonderful life, your brain chooses to focus on imagined dangers and acts as if they were the reality that you live in rather than the world that actually surrounds you.
Fusion gets you completely immersed in your fantasies and in the emotions they carry, while defusion is realizing that these are just imaginations that do not exist in reality and cannot really affect you.
Thus, you separate yourself from your thoughts and look at them objectively from a distance. Stephen said, "The goal is to look at our thoughts from a distance so that we can choose the next step regardless of the chaos in our minds.” You don't need to fight and overcome these fantasies to be happy. They are unrealistic, and you can simply let them go.
2. Treat inner critics as someone else's thoughts
Now, let's talk about "Defusion." While some of the exercises we are going to suggest might sound strange, they are definitely useful.
When self-criticism attacks you again to tell you that you are lazy or a failure, do what you would do in any normal situation when someone talks to you instead of agreeing or resisting that opinion.
Inquire about who said that. You did not say that on purpose, and you did not decide to think about these things as they appeared on their own. You are not responsible for those thoughts, just as you are not responsible for your stomach making sounds when you are hungry.
Your body is the one that makes those sounds, and you did not choose that. That voice is not obligatory, and you do not have to listen to it. Since these thoughts will come to you without your permission, you can count them as someone else's thoughts and give them a name (e.g. Stephen calls his brain George).
Stephen said in his book A Liberated Mind, “If your mind has a name, it is a different person than you are. When you listen to another person, you can choose to agree or disagree with what they say. If you want to avoid conflict, it is better not to argue with this person to convince them of your point of view. This is how you should deal with the inner criticism.”
Naturally, you will have self-critical thoughts, but before you respond, remember that what matters is your relationship with your thoughts, not their content. Agreeing or disagreeing, complying or resisting, all mean that you allow George to influence your decisions. You don't have to do that. Be polite to him, but also be firm.
Stephen also said in his book, “Answer George and thank him for his ideas. When you ignore your mind, it will continue to try to solve the problem. So be honest when you talk to him. You might add that you know he is trying to help you but that you can handle the situation on your own."
Feeling frustrated means you will get into arguments with your mind and get furious. Instead, thank it politely for its input and then focus on the real world.
3. Deal with criticism as mere words
It might be very strange for you to name different parts of your body. However, the inner critic will not stop calling you an idiot until you begin to believe it, but that is not a problem. We even recommend that you call yourself an idiot over and over again, not just a few times but dozens of times. Repeat it until it loses its meaning and becomes mere sound. Then, think: will you allow those meaningless sounds to control your life?
You can hum it, say it backwards, or say it in any way you like until you strip it of meaning. Try to dissolve it back to its origin, which is just an idea and a few sounds. It cannot harm you or dictate your behavior. If it is real, it is okay to act on it. However, as long as it is just an idea, repeat it until you fully understand that it has no basis in reality.
4. Say something and do the opposite
If the previous method doesn't work for you, that's okay. Here's another method that studies have shown to reduce pain by 40%: Walk around the room saying, "I can't walk around the room," or modify the exercise details so that you get a similar result. Show yourself clearly that your thoughts are not realistic, and change your relationship with them. The exercise does not need to be embarrassing; it is enough to say one thing and do the opposite. For example, if you are at your workplace, you can move a pen while humming, "I cannot move this pen."
5. Imagine yourself as a child
Some people find this technique extremely stale, while others find it very meaningful. Those who think it is stale are the people who need it the most. Inner criticism results in poor self-compassion. If we can forgive ourselves, those thoughts will disappear, but when we lack self-compassion, self-critical thoughts build up and become stronger.
So, here is how you can boost your self-compassion. Imagine you are a 4-year-old kid. Pause for a minute and clearly picture yourself when you were young and cute. Imagine that kid saying self-critical words about themselves in a sad voice with teary eyes: “I am stupid, and no one likes me.” That's a scene that would break the bravest of hearts. If you could, you would hug that child and tell them that it wasn't true and that they were just worthless thoughts. If you could comfort yourself as a child in this way, why can't you comfort yourself as an adult, too? You might be bigger and stronger now, but you still deserve kindness from yourself.
6. Share self-critical thoughts
After you apply the previous techniques and master at least one of them, you can try this technique, but be careful. It might have counterproductive results if it is not applied correctly or by someone who doesn't know exactly what they are doing. However, we will mention it here because this idea is very important.
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Robin Walser is an acceptance and commitment therapist who helps veterans in group therapy sessions. These are people with PTSD who face the harshest self-criticism, people who have killed people, watched their friends get killed, and mostly blame themselves for so many things. They desperately need to defuse those thoughts.
You can expect that it is not easy. Robyn cleverly asked them to write their criticisms of themselves on a card and hold it up to their chests so the whole group could see it.
"Murderer", "evil", "dangerous", and "broken" were the descriptions that those soldiers wrote about themselves. However, by writing them and presenting them to everyone, they were stating that they would not allow these words to control their lives.
Over time, they did get better. Stephen began to use this method with the groups that he was treating. He asked the participants to mention the things they were ashamed of and let everyone know about them. Naturally, many tears were shed, and it was a very profound experience. Most importantly, Stephen learned something new from discussing the experience with the participants later that was not clear to him at first.
Stephen said in his book, A Liberated Mind, “The words that each person wrote were describing all participants' thoughts about themselves. Realizing this had a great impact on their thoughts and feelings, as they knew they all shared the same secrets, yet they were isolated by shyness and self-judgment without understanding that they all have the same hardships.”
You can also share your critical thoughts about yourself with people who care about you and feel safe with them. It will be a powerful experience after which you will realize that you are not alone and that other people have felt the same way at some point in their lives.
Most importantly, you will realize that the descriptions you mentioned about yourself are not real, in their opinion, but just false ideas that do not give you the kindness that you deserve.
We all criticize ourselves, and yet we all believe that no one else does so, that no one else suffers, fears, or worries, and that we are the only ones who are hurting.
However, if you speak up about your secrets to the people who care about you, if you are ready, and share your pain with them, something wonderful will happen, and that shame you feel is separating you from others will be what brings you closer to them.
In Conclusion
Now let's review the "defusion" methods that will help you minimize the self-criticism effect and connect deeply with your loved ones before moving on to the last method:
- Your relationship with your thoughts, not their content: Self-critical thoughts are of no importance unless you give them importance.
- Treat the self-critical voice as someone else's thoughts: It's not you who said you were a terrible person, but someone else who is unkind and unwise. So, there is no compelling reason to believe their words. Thank them and move on.
- Dealing with criticism as mere words: repeat the word dozens of times until it loses its meaning completely. Mostly, it has no significant meaning.
- Say one thing and do the opposite: Show yourself that thoughts do not control your behavior unless you believe in them.
- Imagine yourself as a child: You will not stand idly by when a child talks about themselves in an unkind way. You, as an adult, deserve kindness too.
- Sharing self-critical thoughts: We all deal with self-criticism, and realizing this will bring us closer together.
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