How To Save Yourself Another Pointless Guilt Trip?

Note: This article is taken from the blogger Aziz Gazipura, who talks about guilt.

Suddenly you remember that you were supposed to call her yesterday for her birthday. Even without opening the message, you feel sad inside.

You imagine your mother sitting alone in her house, saddened by her son's lack of communication with her on her special day. Self-critical thoughts take over slowly at first, but by the time you get to work, you're rushing through harsh judgments; you're too selfish, you're always busy, and you're not a righteous son.

This is guilt. We all know this feeling, and it is a powerful experience where guilt amplifies our mistakes; making small mistakes and lapses seems like a blatant assault on the people you care about.

Many people worldwide experience a recurring sense of excessive guilt that sets off easily, lasts too long, and leaves a wreck of self-esteem and confidence. Fortunately, excessive guilt doesn't necessarily rule your life, and freeing yourself from its grip is entirely possible.

Let's start with an easy definition of guilt. During countless hours of clinical observation, I've found that feelings of guilt stem from the realization that you did something wrong. This leads to a combination of anxiety and stress, and fear is based on the prediction that something terrible will happen. For example, others may feel upset or criticize you, and you may feel hated or even feel ashamed of yourself. This leads to a loss of love, communication, opportunities, or your status as a good person, and then you feel pressured to apologize and fix the situation.

Anxiety and stress caused by guilt can be beneficial and can have a positive impact on our relationships. When my son takes a toy from his younger brother and sees him crying, he may feel some remorse to return it and fix things. When you are upset with your partner, brothers, parents or even your child, you may feel uncomfortable until you fix the problem and apologize or act more patiently and kindly.

This is what I call healthy guilt. It helps us act on behaviors that align with our values, it ensures that we respond to the needs of those close to us, and it allows us to have positive relationships.

But what happens when the guilt gets worse? Sometimes,  our impulse to feel guilty is so delicate and improperly triggered, or to an extreme when making small mistakes; this is known as excessive guilt or health-damaging guilt, which is exactly what this guide can help you overcome.

To understand whether the guilt you feel is harmful to your health, it's helpful to think about your ground rules. All feelings of guilt occur when you break one of your rules. Some rules are valuable and support you and others in general, such as not stealing or avoiding attacking your loved one with hurtful words, and these rules make you feel guilty and harmless to your health.

Other rules, such as always saying yes, never disappointing others, or never getting angry, can be like poison cages that keep you trapped in constant suffering and can lead to an unhealthy sense of guilt.

Determining  when the guilt you feel is harmful or excessive will help you avoid it.  You'll learn exactly how to do it in the five-step process below. For now, here are some easy guidelines for distinguishing between health-harmful and harmless guilt:

Health-harmful guilt	Health-harmless guilt
It activates when you break any rule, even if it is unrealistic or improper.	It activates when you break a sound rule that you agree with.
You feel it when someone is upset, regardless of your behavior that was the source of that discomfort.	You feel it when you hurt someone with your actions.
It is long-term without a clear way to address it. You will get feelings of shame later.	It is short-term with a clear course of action (apology or behavior change). This leads to a sense of relief.
The goal is to punish yourself because guilt has a side that offends you.	The goal is to guide your future actions; it has a constructive side.

“I forgot my mother's birthday, which is too bad. I feel terrible, but what can I do now to make it right? First, I can call her directly and leave her a voice message. If she doesn't answer, I'll send her a video of the kids singing to her Happy Birthday when I get home today. That will make her happy, and I'll put a reminder in my calendar for next year so I don't make that mistake again.” To summarize these differences in another way, let's think again about the example of forgetting your mother's birthday. Here's what a healthy inner guilt voice might sound like:

Notice how this voice acknowledges the mistake without trying to deny or minimize it and focuses on what can be done now to fix things without self-flagellation or verbal abuse. They compared the sound of harmless guilt with the sound of harmful guilt:

“I forgot my mother's birthday, and that's terrible. Poor woman, how can I do this to her? She  must be feeling terrible. This behavior is very bad for me. What was I doing yesterday anyway? Why didn't I remember her? She must be sad and upset, and it's my fault. She's not very well now anyway, and I'm giving her away for her birthday. It's only going to make her feel worse. I always do that kind of thing. I am such a bad son!”

Did you feel the difference between these two inner conversations? And  can you feel how the second is a burden that makes it difficult for you to take effective action to address it?

In my clinical observation, I saw how the sound of health-harmful guilt could last for hours or days, which leads to long periods of procrastination, avoidance, or low mood.

Before we move forward, it is worth clarifying that this guide is not aimed at people who commit serious crimes or abuses. In these cases, guilt can sometimes last for many years and cause significant difficulty and distress. If you are experiencing this type of serious and widespread guilt, it may be helpful to see a psychiatrist to understand and cope with what is happening.

But if this excessive guilt stems more from minor transgressions, like the aforementioned second birthday inner talk, let's talk about what exactly needs to be done to set yourself free.

What to do?

Most of the time, people do their best to please everyone around them and avoid upsetting others at all costs. If this sounds like a bad strategy, you're absolutely right. We can do much better.

In fact, it is possible to use each state of guilt to clarify your values, define the rules you wish to live by, and free yourself from the perceptions and demands of others. To do this, I will share a five-step process that I've used with hundreds of clients to help them free themselves from excessive guilt:

1. Confess and allow guilt

The first step to freeing ourselves from anything is acknowledging and allowing it. At first, you may not notice that you feel guilty. Because feelings of guilt can be hurtful, your motive may be to distract yourself or commit to apologizing, but instead of reacting to guilt, you should validate it.

Calm down, and take a few minutes to empathize with your emotions and physical feelings. What did you notice? And are you upset? Do you have racing and restless thoughts? Are you anxious or confused? Do you feel tightness in your chest? Do  you feel unwell in your stomach? These  are all possible signs of guilt.

Now, review your thoughts. I call this voice the “voice of guilt,” and it's essential to notice how it speaks to you. Remember the example above and the table distinguishing between health-harmful and harmless guilt. Does the voice sound calm and loving as you admit you made a mistake?  If so, it is most likely harmless guilt, or the voice sounds angry and critical, or a voice telling you what to do or not to do. If your thoughts tell you that your actions make you selfish, mean, or even reckless, then it's probably health-harmful guilt.

Whatever guilt you feel, when you notice it coming up, you can actually acknowledge it out loud. This is the strength; even if you are alone, say easily: "I have a feeling of guilt." Acknowledging this provides you with a powerful incentive to change. Allow yourself to sit with feelings and thoughts and experience them for a moment, and during this step, it is also essential to remember the wrong emotional thinking; just because you feel guilty does not automatically mean that you did something horribly wrong. This leads us to our next step.

2. Identify the rule or rules you have broken

This is the next step in eliminating health-harmful guilt because it will give you valuable information about what's happening and how to deal with it. Knowing which rule you've broken will help you determine whether or not this is bad guilt for your health.

To determine which rule you broke easily, listen to the voice of guilt in your head, as it will clearly tell you what you should or should not have done.

You will notice that some of the rules involve other people. For example, if a friend asks to meet you and you say no because you're tired, you may feel guilty because your rules include “When my friend asks me to spend time with them, I should always say yes” or “I shouldn't do anything to disappoint others.”

Other rules will only relate to you and your personal behavior. For example, if you eat a big sandwich, fries, and a milkshake and feel guilty afterward, you might find that your rules include "I shouldn't eat junk food" or "I should have more self-control."

Are you starting to understand how this experiment works? Try it when you feel guilty or with something that used to make you feel guilty in the past. Remember what the voice of guilt tells you, set ground rules, and then start trying it when guilt comes into your daily life. Once you can do that, you will be on your way to reducing the feeling of excessive guilt, happiness, freedom, and more love for yourself and others.

3. Determine whether the guilt is harmful to health or not

Remember that harmless guilt is a feeling that arises when you break a realistic rule that you aspire to live by. This guilt leads you on the right path and to be the person you want to be in your life; it reminds you of what is essential and inspires you to live in harmony with your values. It is a positive force for change rooted in loving yourself and others.

Health-harmful guilt is a form of punishment and self-attack that can arise when you break a rule that is inconsistent with your actual values. It can also arise when you break a rule that appreciates its value, but instead of being motivated to change positively, guilt becomes overly toxic.

When health-harmful guilt is felt, we often overestimate how upset others are about our actions; this amplifies our transgressions abnormally, and then we use this misinformation to conclude that we have committed sins and must be punished. We think that if we punish ourselves and suffer enough for our bad deeds, we will atone for our guilt. Still, this approach to improving our relationships or personal actions does not positively affect our behavior and is rooted in fear.

It's helpful to look at the ground rules you've broken to determine whether the guilt you feel is healthy or not. Look at your list of rules you break and ask yourself, “Do you want to live by these rules? Do these rules reflect your values? Is  it really realistic?”

If you answered “yes” to these questions, then there is a helpful message in your guilt that is trying to serve you, so this is harmless guilt, but if you answered “no” to any of these questions, you might feel health-harmful guilt. There is still a lesson to be learned, but it's a slightly different lesson, and this is an essential thing you must understand: if you don't get the message in the right way, you will be stuck in health-harmful guilt.

4. Understand the message well

This step allows you to turn disturbing guilt into a positive experience that benefits you and others. Let me illustrate with an example.

A few nights ago, it was bedtime in our house, and everyone was tired. When the adults got tired, they wanted to lie down and relax and get ready for a good night's sleep, but when the little children got tired, they let out all their energy, lost control of themselves, and went crazy. And that very night, my eldest son was pushing his younger brother as he was refusing me to brush his brother's teeth. I wasn't handling it very well; my patience was running out, my tone became angry, and my temper was sharp.

I finally put everyone to bed and started reading a story to my eldest son, who was distracted and wanted another book out of his bedroom. Then he wanted almond milk; he didn't want to calm down; he tried to keep his brother awake, and then my voice became sharper the more I responded to these demands. I didn't yell at him, but I couldn't hide my displeasure from him at that moment, and though I didn't say it out loud: “You're bad because you're still awake and you're not doing what I'm saying,” my body language and tone of voice were sending that message loud and clear.

In the end, he fell asleep, thank God. I felt at ease and fell asleep beside him on his little bed, listening to his calming breath. But I awoke the next morning with a lump in my heart. Feeling guilty, I saw how I was critical and unloving to my son, so I got angry at myself, sad for breaking up with him, and felt pain in my heart.

Is it health-harmful guilt or not? It  all depends on what message the guilt sends you first. I checked the rules (the second step), and the ones I broke were obvious. I have to be patient with my children, show no reaction to their innocent behavior, and communicate with them lovingly when I try to influence them. I shouldn't give them the message that they're bad because they're awake or doing something else that they have no control over.

Yes, these are all the values I aspire to, so you can assume that this is a harmless guilt, but how you treat yourself determines whether the guilt is harmful to health or not.  As I listened closely to the voice of guilt, I heard the following message: “This is totally unacceptable; how could you do this to your children? What  a bad father you are!" It was tough. So, even though I broke the rule I agreed with, this guilt voice was very harsh and not constructive in creating a new pattern with my children, which suggests that I have moved on to health-harmful guilt.

5. Take new actions

The truth is that you can't force yourself to become a better person. Attacking, criticizing, or punishing yourself won't lead to improvement. This is an old and ill-conceived pattern that many of us fall into, although it is clear that this pattern does not work. Instead, focus on what you can do now.

If your mind keeps bringing you back to your supposed transgressions, how bad they were, and how bad you were, easily label this guilt as bad for your health and remind yourself that it won't serve you. To help yourself eliminate this excessive guilt, you can stand up, take some breaths and move around the room. Say out loud: “This kind of attack won't help me; I can do much better.”

The next morning, after I lost patience with my son, instead of indulging in self-attack and descent into shame, I turned my attention away from my thoughts and toward that moment. I felt my breath move in my chest, watched the physical sensations of the feelings I experienced, felt the pain of my anger at my son and of my separation from him, felt his pain, and my heart burned and sent love to my son and me.

In this way, you can control the feeling of health-harmful guilt and let it positively change you, so get out of your head and go to your heart, feel the emotions in it, and meet them with love and forgiveness, even if your mind tells you that it is unforgivable, it is not. Forgiveness is infinite and always accessible.

You may also consider what kind of rules you would like to live by in the long run. If you feel guilt due to an extreme, unrealistic, or long-lasting rule and don't want to live by it, announce it. Decide here and now that you will choose something different, and you can do so by announcing it, starting with this powerful statement: "In my reality..." For example:

• In my reality, it's okay to say “no” when I want or need to.
• In my reality, it's okay for others to be temporarily disappointed.
• In reality, it's okay for me to stand up for myself and express my point of view.

This is a significant way of asserting the new rules you want to live by, which starkly contrasts with the old, unrealistic rules of excessive guilt.

On the other hand, if you realize during the previous steps that this is harmless to health and that you have broken a rule that reflects a fundamental value, there may be some practical actions you can take.

Do you need to apologize to someone? Do you need to change your behavior, habits, or communication methods with certain people? Do  you need regular rituals or practices that help you be more patient, kind, caring, present, or relaxed? Take  a moment to decide on the proper behavior and commit to doing it now. Let the discomfort, anxiety, and harmless guilt pressure be a positive force to guide your behavior from now on.