Change: What Is It? And Do You Need to Change Yourself or Your Actions?

Note: This article is taken from the great writer Mark Manson, in which he tells us about the futility of trying to change yourself.

You can't change yourself because the whole idea of change is absurd. It's just something we make up to give ourselves a sense of satisfaction (or dissatisfaction).

When it boils down to it, there's no absolute right or wrong about change. Technically, you either change or you don't, and it all depends on how you interpret what's happening; what you decide to change or not is just a figment of your imagination.

You might think change costs a fortune, so you sit around being miserable for the rest of your life, or you opt to change your eating habits as if it were that simple. Change, though, is a quite different concept.

What Is Change?

People make empty promises of change when they break down in front of their therapists or close friends. If, for instance, they were lying and eventually stopped, does that suggest they have changed? Will they keep their word and never lie again? Even if they break the promise, does it matter?

We might wonder about such things, but the truth is that we have no answer.

Since we don't know ourselves, we can't truly understand what change is. Does waking up tomorrow and doing the polar opposite of what you're doing today mean you've changed? Or are you just attempting something different, as always? Above all, no one seems to care.

Using the word "change" is problematic because it plays with your identity, making you emotionally attached to illusions and making you feel bad about yourself and others for not being a good fit for this world.

"I want to go to the gym every week" is a straightforward declaration that expresses your desire to work out. Either you go, or you don't. However, saying something like, "It's time for me to change and hit the gym every week finally," implies that you have to reinvent yourself to go to the gym, which raises the emotional risks involved in making this choice.

If you succeed, you'll be pleased with yourself since you've become a "new person," and this satisfaction will endure until you get excited about change once more; if you fail, you'll punish yourself for your unbreakable sloth.

The issue with identifying yourself with change is that it might lead to thoughts such as "Maybe I'm not cut out for this, or I'm not one of those athletic people; maybe sports don't suit me at all, so why bother trying?" when you fail at anything at all.

You believe that your value as a human rests on your ability to work out, and failing will keep you from doing so because you've decided that these arbitrary actions represent your entire identity. You'll hate yourself, and your passion for anything in the future, including change, will cool off.

On the flip side, if you succeed, you'll get used to that pleasant feeling and won't even be aware of your actions anymore. But soon, that thrill will wear off, and you'll have to try out a different kind of change to get it again. You might even become addicted to personal change, like being hooked on caffeine.

Here's a useful hint: Don't tie your identity to working out because those who do it are simply people who go to the gym. The same applies to productivity, as productive individuals are just people who often do productive things. One may argue that the same holds true for love: people who are admired are loved for their kindness and compassion, but none of them is any less of themselves when these things change.

You're not the Center of the Universe

In one of my books, I discussed the importance of maintaining a distinct identity through the least complicated methods. Emotions get stirred when we attach things to our identities or believe certain behaviours or incidents define our value as human beings. When this happens, we often act recklessly.

 Think of your life instead as one long sequence of decisions and actions, many of which, if you're like most people, will not be the best ones. Most of us merely want to make slightly better decisions and actions when we state that we want to change.

Someone trying to discover who they really are but instead being hit with despair and frustration can be a great example of that.

For years, I hated mornings to a great extent and got used to waking up late. This caused a pile-up of problems in my life; I was often running behind schedule at work, which meant I had to stay up until midnight to get things done.

I would wake up the next day weary and drained, so I would stay up later the following night, trying to make up for lost time. By the end of the week, I was exhausted from fatigue, so I'd go out with some friends and stay up late with them to forget my problems, but that only made things worse when the next week started.

Nevertheless, I was still able to keep up with my work by being high on caffeine. I made it about myself, made it a part of who I am, and decided that it was what defined me instead of noticing that I was failing despite my terrible habits.

I said, "Yes, I am strong. I can work through the night without needing to wake up early or get enough sleep. I don't need any of this nonsense."

That could work in your prime, but as you get older and your energy starts to fade, it can't.

In my thirties, my productivity took a sharp fall, and instead of owning up to my bad habits, I told myself that maybe I'm not a morning person and that I hate working in the early hours of the day.

Totally unaware of this, I gave up before I even tried. When I struggled to get out of bed early, work out first thing in the morning, or eat an adequate meal, I quickly told myself that morning practice wasn't for me.

Ultimately, though, I had to fight against myself, figure out who I was, and find out what I was doing. I now know that getting up early and establishing a peaceful daily schedule is an excellent way to approach life from all angles.

So, I decided to do my tasks first thing in the morning, and because I felt it was the right thing to do, I untied my actions from my identity. I now get up early, meditate if possible, have a balanced breakfast, and get to work on writing as soon as I can.

Does that make me a morning person? Or even productive at all? Who knows? Who cares? Personally, I don't think the answer is yes, and that's what made it possible for me to do it.

Don't involve your identity in your decisions because it probably doesn't relate to you. Just ask yourself: "Is it good?" If the answer is yes, then here you go.

Whether you fail it or nail it, do it again. But don't repeat it if you ever realise that it wasn't as good as you had imagined.

Change Your Actions, Not Yourself

Most of us feel emotionally invested in and immersed in unhealthy behaviours, which is why we feel stuck in particular patterns. Beyond simply being a smoker, a smoker embodies a whole smoking-related identity that changes their social life, eating and sleeping patterns, and perceptions of themselves and others. Just like people form connections with pets, favourite toys, or cell phones, they also form connections with cigarettes, as they take on the title "smoker" among friends and family.

When someone decides to change themselves and quit smoking, they are essentially trying to change who they are—as if making a single decision to discard all the relationships, routines, and presumptions that have accumulated over time. So, it's no wonder that New Year's resolutions often don't last and frequently fail.

The trick to quitting smoking or changing any other habit lies in realising that your identity—that detailed mental framework you've created in your mind—doesn't actually exist in reality. It's arbitrary, a façade that can be removed or dropped at will, just as you choose.

You're not a smoker, but a person who chose to smoke. You're not a night owl, but a person who chooses to be active at night and sleep late. You're a person who now chooses to engage in unproductive activities, not lazy or unproductive. You're not disliked, but you're a person who currently feels unloved.

Changing these behaviours is as simple as changing your actions, each one at a time. Forget the labels, forget social accountability, and heed the advice that says: "Do your own thing in silence."

Forget pride in who you are, what you stand for, or what others think of you; nobody cares about the truth. Remember that your identity—this emotionally charged fabrication to which you are attached—is just a figment of your imagination and that the fastest way to change yourself lies in realising that nature is stronger than nurture.