We may feel we are stupid, so we wonder about the reasons that drive us to be harsh on ourselves and whether this is a natural thing most people do. Do you remember the last time you were hard on yourself?
Perhaps you have recently flogged yourself because of a simple mistake, or you may have said something that made you feel like a naive person, or perhaps you are a perfectionist trying hard to keep up with your desires. Self-harm is something that almost everyone does, but just because this is a normal human thing does not mean that it is useful. When you are hard on yourself, you think that life is cruel. Fortunately, there are some ways you can use to stop punishing yourself. In this article, you will learn why this happens and how to stop it.
Why are you so hard on yourself?
A study shows that, on average, women criticize themselves eight times a day, and 89% of women say they compliment others and do not compliment themselves. Although this study focuses on women, some men criticize themselves more than eight times daily. As criticism affects small and large things, we give small mistakes more attention than they deserve. We do not remember any small mistakes that have been a month or more, which confirms their irrelevance.
So, what about the big mistakes? That is, those that make you feel ultimately unsuccessful may remember some of them and regret others. Although none of these mistakes made us fail, we punished ourselves for weeks for committing them at the time and thought they determined who we were, to find later that they helped us grow and made us better instead. Sometimes, you need to make big mistakes to learn and be grateful for making them. And you know that mistakes help you grow and that failures are just steps toward success, so why are you so hard on yourself when you commit them? Let's find out why:
1. Extreme competition
Competition has always raised our expectations, which is sometimes very healthy. The best example is that athletes who set world records prove there is no ceiling on what we can achieve. Still, it is not useful in all situations; with the advent of the Internet and social media, borders have become open; that is, you are no longer competing with people in your city and the whole world.
For example, if you're a software developer living in Los Angeles, it doesn't mean you can get a job in Silicon Valley. Smart developers worldwide are competing for that job.
But competition is not limited to jobs. For example, think about the concept of beauty today. You may indeed be the most beautiful person in your city, but you compete based on the ridiculous standards set by social media. If you compare yourself to others, you will not be good enough; even those who lead the competition fear losing. So, comparing yourself with others is one of the biggest reasons you are hard on yourself.
2. High expectations
More competition means having higher expectations than you can achieve, and the 40-hour work week is no longer the same. Your boss expects you to develop new ideas, become more productive, and work longer hours when necessary. You may also expect this from yourself. Since you are comparing yourself to the best in the world in anything and everything, it is no wonder that you are experiencing more stress, and you may even set unrealistic expectations that no one can meet. If this is your case, it is no wonder you are hard on yourself.
3. Falling into the trap of perfection
If you want to compete in a world of intense competition, you have to be perfect, or at least, you have to feel perfect. So, it's not surprising that studies show an increase in the pursuit of perfection, especially among younger generations, and you don't have to look far to notice this. You'll see that everyone wants to live a perfect life when browsing the Instagram application. Although you know that the images you see are just shots of the best moments of someone's day, your brain unconsciously receives the message that your life should be like that, so it's no wonder we are trying to live an ideal life.
Although the aspiration to perfection seems good, there is a paradox here. Perfection has the opposite effect that conflicts with what you are trying to achieve. It will never be within our reach, and it is not something we can extend; it is unlimited, and there is always room to achieve what is better and more. When you never meet your expectations, you prepare yourself for frustration. You may criticize yourself, reduce self-confidence, and get stuck in a cycle of negative feelings. This is the opposite of the concept of "perfection."
4. Lack of self-esteem
High expectations and the need for perfection reduce self-esteem and self-confidence. People with low self-esteem are more likely to treat themselves harshly. Cruelty to yourself amplifies negative emotions. Low self-esteem avoids opportunities, social situations, challenges, and experiences. The less self-esteem you have, the more cruel you are to yourself. This leads to a vicious circle that is difficult to get out of.
5. Restrictive beliefs
Self-limiting beliefs can also affect how you see yourself and can combine with the above reasons. For example, you may have some unrealistic expectations. When you do not meet these expectations, you may verbally humiliate yourself, which may cause the formation of new self-limiting beliefs. When you do not meet your expectations, you can believe that you can not do something and that you are a failure, and when the belief begins to form, you look for evidence to verify it, and then you will find proof easily.
Practical Tips to Help You Stop Being Cruel to Yourself
Cruelty affects many aspects of your life negatively, so how do you solve this problem? First, it is essential to understand that it is acceptable not to be well sometimes. When you understand that, you will not feel the need to criticize yourself all the time, and this is the only thing that will make your life more joyful and easier to say than to do. It takes some self-awareness to notice the excess cruelty in yourself, and this takes a long time, but it is worth practicing it. The following tips will help you do this:
1. Stop comparing yourself to others
Most people, like their neighbors and friends, would like bigger homes and fancy cars. Some industries make trillions of dollars comparing ourselves to others, but just because it's natural doesn't mean it's beneficial. While most people aspire to freedom, they also enslave themselves through comparison. They work harder to catch up, and even as they reach a higher level in society, they also compare themselves to others.
“The things you have now own you,” says Tyler Durden in Fight Club. Unfortunately, you do everything you do because you hope to improve your marital status, not your happiness. So, ask yourself this question: Why do you do what you do? Do you do it because it makes you happy? Do you live on your terms? Or are you running a competitive race and trying to prove something to the world? Answering these questions is very important, so find something that makes you feel good because it matters to you. When you stop doing things to prove your worth to the world, you will notice that you are more at peace with yourself.
2. Practice accepting things
Suppose you are having a difficult day at work, and your manager has assigned you an important project with very close deadlines. It does not seem you will accomplish it, so you get angry at yourself and scold it for failing a task of this importance. You worry about the manager's attitude toward you and think he will never trust you in another project again, which is unlikely to happen. Still, it is possible and indeed not helpful because it will not improve anything but worsen things.
Instead of using your energy to devise a solution, you are too busy punishing yourself; mistakes happen, and this is life. Sometimes, things do not go how you want, and you can only control a few factors, but you always have the choice to whip yourself or accept life as sweet and bitter.
3. Practice gratitude
There are several ways to practice gratitude, but there is an effective method called the instant practice of gratitude. So, let's return to the example above in which the task was not completed by the deadline; your manager was upset at work, but they also understood the situation; it was the close deadline. You came home after that day and felt upset and wondered why you exceeded the deadline and wondered if you were a failure because your manager doubted your abilities. Suddenly, you notice that you are degrading yourself, and this is the right moment to practice gratitude.
Ask yourself this question: What can you be grateful for now? You might be grateful to have this project in the first place; isn't it great that the manager trusted you and asked you for this task? This means a lot, as gratitude always eases your feelings, and it is one of the most potent methods to eliminate frustration and suffering.
Every time you notice yourself being hard on yourself, stop and instead think about what you might be grateful for in this situation. Of course, it's easier said than done, but the more you practice gratitude, the more self-conscious you become, and the better you are at discovering the moments when you are about to humiliate yourself.
4. Ask yourself better questions
Why is the elephant orange? Did you notice what just happened? Your focus has been on elephants, whether you like it or not, and you may have become a little angry because elephants are not orange. The power of the questions is that they can instantly shift your focus, but did you know that you ask yourself hundreds of questions daily? Forget about the questions you're talking about out loud, and think about all the unconscious questions you're asking yourself.
For example, questions like: Why does this always happen to me? Although you barely notice that you're asking yourself these questions, they have a powerful effect on you, directing the subconscious mind to focus on finding an answer.
Imagine someone always asking themselves the following questions:
- Why am I like this?
- Why can't I do that?
- Why does this always happen to me?
Another person asks the following questions:
If you look at these questions, who do you think lives a better quality of life? Although both will answer these questions, there is a difference between the two cases because the second person provides answers that give them power and control over their life.
5. Write down your diary
The problem with most self-improvement tips is that they are easy to forget. We don't think about being grateful all the time, for example, especially when it matters most, or at least, that's the case at the beginning of learning how to develop self-awareness. The more you practice self-awareness, the better you become at discovering the moment when you're too hard on yourself. But how do you develop self-awareness if it's easy to forget to practice it?
Here lies the importance and usefulness of the journal; it forces you to sit and think about things. For example, you must organize your thoughts to form sentences when writing about your day. Recording your thoughts slows the thinking process; you can not write as quickly as you think, and slowing down this process forces you to think a little longer in each situation.
6. Meditate
Sitting still with your thoughts is another way to become self-aware. Through meditation, you focus on one issue, such as your breathing. When thoughts appear, do not resist them; instead, monitor them. This process teaches you that ideas appear in your mind despite everything, and you can try to avoid them, but the more you resist, the faster ideas emerge, and you also learn that your thoughts do not identify you.
Although we often get caught up in the spiral of thoughts, we can simply let go and observe them instead, so try this out for yourself and keep an eye on the ideas in your mind. Meditation has several benefits. One of them is that this practice helps you stop punishing yourself.
In conclusion
Do you often think of the question, "Why am I so hard on myself?" This article may have provided you with the knowledge and tools to be kinder to yourself, but remember that being hard on yourself is normal; it is something we do as human beings, but also remember that it does not help you, and when you notice that you are hard on yourself, ask why, and then find what you can be grateful for.
Finally, remember that it's okay not to be well; that's how life is, and you do your best to evolve. So, practice the tips mentioned in this article and understand that mastering self-handling takes time and effort, but if you keep improving yourself, you will notice how your quality of life improves, too.
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