Note: This article is based on the work of Mary Jaksch, author and founder of the blog "Goodlife Zen," in which she tells us about stopping making promises we cannot keep.
The truth is that we all try to please people to a certain extent, but if you try to please everyone and always put yourself last, then you have the disease of satisfying others.
Do any of the following apply to you?
- When you say "no," you feel guilty.
- You don't know how to build trust or set limits for others.
- You don't know when to say yes or how to say no.
The solution is to stop trying to please everyone, find out how to build trust, and learn specific techniques to say no to others’ requests. If you can do this, you will regain your freedom, peace of mind, and peace in your life.
So, how can you muster the will to carry out that specific mission?
It's when you know how much you're losing every time you accept someone's request, but deep down, you don't want to.
Behind every "yes" is a veiled price
The list below is not intended to criticize you or cause you depression; it is intended to inspire you. By knowing what you are losing, you can find the resolve to reclaim your life and say “no,” just as I did, and you may have more to add to this list, but these are the things that have the greatest impact on your self-esteem and confidence, and then your life and happiness:
1. Loss of self-esteem
Every time you say “yes, or okay,” instead of “no, I don't want to,” the other person controls your desires as they want, but your desire to refuse doesn't disappear. You wander around, getting worse inside and undermining your self-esteem with annoying reminders that you didn't get what you wanted or that you gave in to someone else 's demands again, and there is worse.
You may feel upset when you notice that someone is taking advantage of you when they often ask for too much. This kind of extreme exploitation is not acceptable. The real killer of your self-esteem is to realize that you’re being manipulated.
It doesn’t have to be manipulation; by saying "yes," you easily set the rules of how you should be unintentionally treated through the way you treat others, and by always meeting their demands, in fact, with or without your awareness, you are often the one who manipulates.
2. Loss of others’ respect
Perhaps subconsciously, and over time, others stop taking your feelings and desires, even your rights, into account, as you never give them any reason to. By saying "yes" again and again, you have created a mental link to what they want, not what you want, and this link strengthens with every request you accept from them.
3. Loss of confidence
All those times you said "yes," seemingly sincere enough, did you want to say it? You certainly reluctantly tried not to agree, and you were aiming to smile and hide your feelings rather than get angry, but no matter how hard you try, hiding your thoughts doesn't mean that you're telling the truth. As human beings, you have an inner alarm that goes off when you notice someone is not being honest with you.
It's annoying to say “yes” to help others, consider their feelings, or perhaps even to satisfy their ego; yet, they receive the message in a completely different way, they know something is off, and they quickly lose faith in you.
4. Less time for the activities you enjoy
Your to-do list has become almost impossible, and it is no longer that fun. You let go of everything you enjoy because you no longer have enough time to practice your hobbies, passions, and all your fun activities. If you are going to keep making promises and meeting the demands of others, it is best to abandon your hobbies altogether.
5. Dwindling self-love
You wish that some amazing people would appreciate and admire you in the same way that you do. You see the way they create the life they want, how they follow their dreams, and how they defend what is important to them. You hear them say "no," and you wish you could, too. You feel pain because you wish they realized how similar and compatible you two are.
However, it seems that they are not interested in you - that you are just trivial - and this is totally damaging to your self-love, but they will never recognize your assets if you keep hiding behind every "yes" you say.
The truth is that you often have a justification for that. You notice that when you always try to please people with all these promises that you make, you are prone to forget one eventually. You become so exhausted that you eventually let those people down. Since you have proven your reliability, they have learned that they can ask you to do things that are of importance to them. When you finally let them down, they take it to heart and lose trust in you.
6. A decline in your own and other people's confidence in you
Saying what you think others want to hear sounds like a nice way to make them feel good, and theoretically, this is a good way to end any disagreement. No one wants to look annoying or like a troublemaker. However, this leads to guilt.
The truth is that often, when people trust you with their secrets, they silently ask for your advice. If you blindly nod and say “yes,” most people will realize that, and as a result, they won't feel any better or be able to solve their problem.
So, next time, they will avoid you and trust someone else; when people confide in you with their secrets, it indicates that they trust you; on the other hand, when you don't earn others' trust, your confidence and self-esteem decline.
7. Feeling resentful
Putting others first always seems to be decent, sensitive to others' feelings, selfless, and many other things that we all want to have. Caring for someone, no matter what you have planned, should make you feel comfortable, shouldn't it?
Yes, to some extent. But these feelings can quickly turn to discontent, especially when you are disappointed that you did not get what you wanted because you are very busy doing what others want. This is normal, so don't blame yourself. However, resentment eats you from the inside out, and soon you start to doubt your belief that they love you for who you are, and you start to believe that they only love you because you say "yes" to every request; this will increase your discontent.
8. Hating the things you used to love
Things you used to enjoy now may seem like a chore; saying “yes” too often has distorted the whole experience.
Maybe you used to bake or do graphic design because you have a great sense of art; this makes others ask you for more every time. Now you're afraid of being asked a favor, and you wish you never showed your talents.
It may have lasted so long that you're not even sure anymore whether people really like what you're doing or whether they see your efforts as something that's always available and easy to pay for, and now you hate baking and designing because they are no longer fun.
9. Depriving yourself of the opportunity to do the right thing
You always had a good reason to say “yes” so you wouldn't feel guilty, but when that goes against your principles, you will suffer as well.
So, you'll suffer whether you say "yes" or "no," but in fact, that's not true because the first brings false guilt and the latter brings real guilt. Dealing with real guilt is better than dealing with false guilt.
It's time to stop making promises that your heart cannot fulfill
Collect all the hidden costs of saying “yes” and understand that you can't afford it. So if you are interested in learning, fix your low confidence, be more assertive, and reject anything without feeling guilty in order to regain control of your life and have time to do what is important to you with people who are important to you.
In conclusion, Is all the conflict and pain of saying "no" worth it?
Well, imagine how you'll feel; close your eyes; imagine how much more comfortable you'll be; how much of your lost time you'll get back; and how much confidence and self-esteem you'll have.
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