Note: This article is based on the work of Silvia Turonova, in which she tells us about her experience in developing self-awareness and how to master it.
It is a question I have evaded most of my life. because it raised fear and panic in me; I refused to admit to myself that I use anger as a way to control people, adopt complete silence to punish those who did not fulfill my desires, and persist in toxic relationships to subconsciously experience pain and punish myself. As a result of psychological trauma experienced in childhood.
We refuse to admit that we are manipulating, controlling, or self-destructive. Nobody does this because it doesn't give us an immediate sense of satisfaction, and it doesn't reveal the fact that we are amazing people, and we can achieve everything we dream of.
This never happens; Self-awareness offends the ego; Because it is often associated with harsh truths and frightening self-discoveries, the right opportunity for all of us herein lies.
Why do we run away from the truth?
There is a fine line between self-awareness and self-judgment. For most of us, guilt becomes a way of life, and whether it is the result of childhood trauma, negative self-talk, or someone who constantly criticizes us, we judge ourselves.
So acknowledging our flaws, toxic traits, or deceptive or controlling behavior becomes impossible to confront.
Just to be clear, there is nothing wrong with admitting that you manipulate people or situations, procrastinate due to a lack of self-confidence, and that you have toxic traits.
You have to realize that any unwanted personality trait is often a result of what happened to you, and is not a defect in you. If you find that you are behaving in a toxic way; This does not mean that you are a bad person, nor does it diminish your value. Rather, it indicates that you simply recognize the problem.
Is "truth" really true?
Let me use a statistical example to see things from a different perspective. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence website, 1 in 15 children experience intimate partner violence each year, and 90% of these children are eyewitnesses to this violence. This constitutes 90% of children who have experienced trauma of some kind that has affected their healthy development, self-esteem, and general mental health.
These kids never make up for what happened in their past, how do you think they will behave as adults? Most of their unhealthy habits and beliefs will carry them into adulthood.
Given this information, let me ask you the following: Do these experiences shape or define their personality? It certainly shapes it; It shapes their behavior, actions, and even their personalities. But it does not represent their identity in essence, and this is an important difference to take into account.
If who you are today is the result of your upbringing, the way you were raised, and the people who had the most influence on you, then you should not feel guilty about the person you have become over the years; it is matters that do not concern you; it happened to you; That is why I pointed out that these experiences shape your identity. But it doesn't define it, and through self-awareness you have the opportunity to realize what you can change and get back to being yourself.
American ultramarathon runner David Goggins says, “The most important conversations you will ever have will be with yourself.”
Finding the Courage to Awaken
I came to the conclusion that most people don't change; Because they don't know what needs to change, and because realizing the truth can be scary, we often choose to withdraw and live in denial, feeling overwhelmed by affectation to others and to ourselves.
So how do we overcome this fear of knowing ourselves and seek real and lasting change? You can break this process down into three simple steps:
1. Pick the people close to you carefully
Once you start acknowledging the truth, you have to surround yourself with people who are striving to accomplish the same or similar task, and this is for two reasons: first, it will evoke an atmosphere of empathy through which you feel that others understand you simply because they have had the same experience, and this will inspire you to do the same; Second, freedom of expression will be tested.
Since facing our truth instills fear in us, and generates feelings of guilt or shame, it is necessary to create a safe space whenever you share your truth and what you have been through with the right people. Thus, mastering the skill of self-awareness becomes easy, and you will discover that those traits or behaviors that you were afraid to look at are the same ones that most of us deal with on a daily basis.
2. Choose a non-judgmental environment
You certainly realize at this point how important it is to stay out of judgment when practicing self-awareness.
I experienced the most important moments of change in my life when I got fed up with my miserable life and acknowledged the negative mindset that stuck with me. It wasn't easy at first though, because I was instinctively driven to constantly judge myself; I would slip from consciousness into self-judgment and back into my guilt-driven behavior, but speaking of the positive side, fortunately I was able to see that.
Your journey towards self-awareness should be non-judgmental. The feeling of guilt is unbearable, it is also poisonous and discouraging, especially if it is repeated constantly, and what we seek is love and kindness, and that dealing with ourselves with understanding and compassion is not optional; Rather, it is necessary when it comes to confronting our truth; The only way to grow starts from a positive mindset full of awareness.
3. Benefit from what you reveal about yourself
Once you find the courage to confront the traits and behaviors you wish to change, and acknowledge them with love and empathy, it is time to accept them, and remember that the fault is not in you; Rather, your past experiences brought you to the situation you are in.
Now that you understand how you act, watch yourself and take it easy. Pay attention to how you handle uncomfortable or stressful situations, and notice your feelings, thoughts, and behaviors.
You will consciously change your behavior once you become more aware of it, and the more you do, the prouder and confident you will be in your ability to change. Awareness changes your life if you invest it in the right way.
In conclusion
Although self-awareness is linked to the positive and negative aspects of personality, it was necessary to point out those aspects that we are afraid to look at, and you can only experience real change if you are brave enough to realize what you want to improve and change, and deal with it with understanding and empathy in the same time.
Remember that there is nothing wrong with having qualities that you do not like about yourself. Self-awareness is a very important skill to master because it gives you powerful insights about the most important person in your life, who is you.
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