Note: This article is adapted from a blog post by Ashley Pallathra and Edward Brodkin, who share their experiences in having smooth conversations.
It is difficult to know what to say to a person in mourning, and who among us would like to say the wrong word and hurt them more? Who does not want to benefit from tips on going through challenging topics with the partner, for example, discussing the fate of your relationship with them or solving a problem you've been ignoring? Although these ground rules can help you, they are just a starting point. They are helpful tips, but they are limited, and you do not expect them to lead you to high-quality relationships.
Written social guidelines and procedures are most helpful when you're unsure what to do in a particular situation, when it's new to you, or when it's uncomfortable for whatever reason.
Here is an example from our real lives as mental health care providers. When we were at the beginning of learning how to meet patients in mental health clinics, we relied on standardized lists of questions asked, as well as conducting interviews based on the guidelines provided to us by our teachers.
Despite this level of preparation, our hearts were beating hard, and our palms were sweating as soon as we entered the first few interviews. It was very embarrassing to ask strangers about the most personal and emotional problems they suffer from. What if they had seen what we were hiding inside us and realized how unqualified and confused we were?
As expected, these first interviews were embarrassing because we usually stuck to the questions on our list and focused more on remembering our questions than on the hidden and fleeting feelings our patients were expressing. When the conversation was coming out of what was expected, we weren't sure how to get things back on track.
The problem with over-reliance on ready-made rules and texts is that they were not always appropriate for the situation or the person we were talking to. Being too focused on remembering lists and guidelines, we could not fully pay attention to the person in front of us.
What helped us move beyond adhering to the texts was the intensive practice and doing these interviews over and over again with many people, and over time; we did many interviews in which we did not need to think about the rules and question lists anymore because we were aware of them all beforehand. We began to feel more confident and comfortable, and conversations with patients became more spontaneous.
We felt flexible and relaxed enough to meet each patient, regardless of their condition, and stay with them during the changes and shifts in the conversation, so we could then direct the conversation back to the topics we needed to explore with them and address, as their doctors.
Even if you are having a conversation, according to a specific program or topic you want to address, it is still helpful to have some flexibility and the ability to respond to what the moment calls for. You need to be able to respond to the feelings your conversation partner gives you, and things will work out best when you can sense the mental and emotional state of the person you are talking to.
Think of this as a joint dance between two people. You must have learned and prepared the necessary steps to dance correctly, but on the other hand, when you are dancing with a partner, it is impossible to move without considering your partner. Your steps must correspond to their steps, and you communicate together to make the dance work, and each partner is a little different from the others.
One way of non-verbal communication may have worked with a partner, but it requires a different style when dealing with another partner, so you have to feel how your partner is holding themselves together and moving, and the same idea applies to having good conversations.
Psychologists have a technical term for these concerning conversations: contingent reacting. That means you respond to what your partner has just said or done in a give-and-take way; That is, you do not reflect their personality, follow their pace, or engage in work that only concerns you without taking them into account by following a ready-made text. Rather, you try to communicate first, and then in the course of doing so, you are in a better position to lead, direct, or praise the conversation, as well as follow, listen, and understand the speaker.
This can seem complicated, so how do you learn to do it better? It is a matter of developing the ability to achieve harmony with the other person and yourself and staying disciplined in light of the fluctuations and shifts in the relationship.
It is what our book entitled Missing Each Other is about, which talks about the topic of balance, so here are brief tips to reach this state of harmony with who you are talking:
- Take slow, long breaths, and let your body relax.
- Indulge and listen to the other person's cues.
- Take their perspective into account, and so does yours.
- Discover where you fit in mentally and emotionally.
The more you practice these tips, the less you need to think about them, and remember not to take them literally in every situation; They are just a starting point.
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