The Importance of Conversations and Their Impact on Us

We communicate with strangers online instead of the people right in front of us. But is this really a problem, or is it just a new normal? And if it is a problem, what should we do about it?

This is the subject of the new book by Sherry Turkle, Reclaiming Conversation: The Power of Talk in a Digital Age. In this book, Sherry Turkle, a professor at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT), addresses the issue that conversational skills, communication, and intimacy are rapidly disappearing.

This is attributed to our excessive attachment to technology everywhere. She emphasizes the importance of reclaiming conversations and engaging more with those around us. Otherwise, we risk losing some of the fundamental social norms, such as empathy, reflection, and the ability to collaborate, be productive, and create collectively.

The book by Sherry Turkle presents various scientific studies, along with interviews with experts and technology users of all ages. According to her research, the presence of mobile phones in social situations, even when they are turned off, is linked to several negative effects. These effects include hindering conversation and altering the nature of the discussion topics, which makes us prone to superficial interactions that limit our ability to understand each other.

Sherry Turkle states, "If we find that our conversation is being interrupted, we tend to deliberately engage in topics that are shallow and devoid of controversy or consequences. Moreover, the presence of mobile phones prevents empathetic communication."

The Benefits of Boredom

Researchers have found that those who spend more time online communicating with others are worse at identifying their own feelings and the emotions of others. This is because we need visual communication in order to learn to accurately read each other's emotions, which helps us connect better.

Although escaping reality might not seem harmful, Sherry Turkle's book connects it to some negative outcomes. For instance, children no longer learn how to interact with others in a way that considers their feelings because they don't engage in visual communication. Teenagers find it harder to focus while studying due to their constant need to check their phones for new messages or combat boredom through web browsing.

Furthermore, employees no longer engage in informal conversations during breaks or even in work meetings. Everyone tends to check their email or shop online, which leads to decreased productivity, creativity, and communication.

Sherry Turkle says, "Each time you check your phone, you get a little hit of stimulation and a neurochemical reward, but you lose out on what your friend, teacher, parent, or colleague said, meant, and felt."

Many people feel uneasy without the dopamine boost triggered by phone use. However, boredom in reality serves a purpose; it signals a need for deeper thinking and reflection. Boredom teaches us to use our imagination, which is a crucial aspect of creativity.

Additionally, when we avoid feeling bored, we learn not to be comfortable with isolation, which is important for personal development. Sherry Turkle states, "Developmental psychology has always talked about the importance of solitude, and now neuroscience is telling the same story. When we carve out time for our minds to do nothing, we help our brains develop a sense of our stable past."

Lack of Communication

What's even more significant for society as a whole is that if we solely rely on online social communication, we lose openness to diverse perspectives. We confine ourselves to fixed ideas that we only share within our closed online circles. This creates collective tensions in our society and fosters intolerance toward differences. This trend is observable in political discourse as well as personal relationships.

Sherry Turkle states, "Studies show that people don't like to share things that their followers won't approve of. Everyone wants approval for their opinions. So, technology can preserve more of the stiffness that makes conversation difficult. It enables us to live in closed-off tribes that don't allow for opposing voices."

One of the noteworthy aspects about Sherry Turkle is that she doesn't ignore opposing voices, including those of many teenagers who support technology usage and don't see any benefit in stopping it.

For example, in one of the interviews she conducted, some individuals affirmed that text messages or emails are a positive way to communicate during conflicts. Responding online allowed them to calm down avoid prolonging arguments, unexpected reactions, and emotionally threatening conversations. This is regarded as a good outcome.

However, Sherry Turkle responds to these examples by highlighting the various ways in which text messages and emails can exacerbate misunderstandings. Additionally, when someone is slow to respond or doesn't respond at all to a message, it can make the recipient feel lonely and offended.

In hundreds of conversations she conducted with teenagers and adults about their online lives, Sherry Turkle found that many of them don't know how to interpret silence or delay. They have become accustomed to this rudeness, and sometimes, it turns into retaliation or even cyberbullying against others. Moreover, ignoring or not responding becomes socially acceptable over time, and people no longer pay attention to the potential psychological harm it can cause.

In one study mentioned in the book, college friends discovered that face-to-face conversations led to more emotional connection compared to other forms of communication, such as video chats or instant messaging. This is because genuine personal closeness is necessary to truly connect with another person. Text messages, on the other hand, don't convey emotions as the face does, even with the use of emojis.

Furthermore, many people use their phones to follow for their role models, which might lead them to ignore those present beside them in search of something better.

How to Revive Traditional Conversations?

Some people have recognized the dangers of technology and are attempting to change their behavior. More young people are creating spaces and times free from technology during social interactions, a practice that has immense benefits for everyone.

Employers also notice technology-related issues in the workplace. Studies reveal the significance of social connections in job performance. In one study, employees wore devices that allowed researchers to measure the amount of social interaction they had with coworkers during their workday, whether in face-to-face or online communication settings. The results showed that those who engaged in more face-to-face conversations at work demonstrated higher productivity and lower stress levels. Online conversations, on the other hand, didn't show any impact on these outcomes.

Parents should also pay attention to this matter. Often, parents neglect their children and focus on their phones instead of providing the attention necessary for children to learn social and emotional skills. Even young children sometimes enjoy using mobile phones, depriving them of their fundamental need for connection with the adults in their lives.

Sherry Turkle mentioned that children deprived of visual communication with their parents due to their constant phone use become disturbed and depressed. Nowadays, neuroscientists speculate that when parents consistently focus on their phones, they might create a fixed facial model that brings about numerous negative consequences.

All of us need to think more carefully about how we interact with technology. Sherry Turkle has provided a list of tips that can help us use mobile phones wisely to avoid losing important social connections:

• Remember the impact your phone has on you, and don't use it in every situation you experience, especially during conversations.
• Be patient and don't rush to seek instant gratification through entertainment, relaxation, escaping boredom, or loneliness. Learn to adapt to solitude.
• Nurture your creativity by spending quiet time with yourself.
• Engage with others who hold different opinions, and don't fear differences.
• Participate in a conversation for at least seven minutes before disengaging, allowing you to delve deeper and perhaps discover unexpected trends.
• Don't be hypersensitive in every aspect of your life; instead, be forgiving and cultivate empathy and compassion toward others.
• Learn from conflicts rather than avoiding them.
• Put down your phone and pay attention to the person in front of you, whether it's your child, friend, partner, or employee. Regardless of the person you interact with, try to strengthen your relationships with them.

Fortunately, it's not too late to change the course we are on. Small breaks away from technology can help us reclaim conversation. It's essential for us to take the initiative, as Sherry Turkle urges us to do when she writes: "Everyone who understands the importance of conversation—no matter their age—must pass on this knowledge to others."