How To Converse With Someone Who Doesn't Make Eye Contact?

If you're the one talking, eye contact with the person you're talking to shows that you're confident in what you're saying and that you want to build a relationship”.

But not everyone can make eye contact as they speak. Some see it as intimate or annoying to make eye contact with others. Many people with autism spectrum disorder find it difficult or annoying because of problems with comprehension or overstimulation.

Psychotherapist Annette Nunez said: “We focus a lot on eye contact, especially in American culture, but you can have strong relationship skills and not make eye contact. it's not the only way; treating people with kindness and respect is more important than looking directly into someone's eyes.”

Effective tips for having a conversation with someone who doesn't make eye contact

If you're having a conversation with someone who isn't eye-contacting you, don't worry. Regstad, Nunez, and other experts share their tips for dealing with this situation and promoting positive interaction:

1. Don't take it personally

Try not to feel offended if the person is not looking at you while communicating with you, and there are many possible reasons for the lack of eye contact, which has nothing to do with rudeness.

Diane Gottsman, a behavioral etiquette expert and founder of The Protocol School of Texas, said: “Each case has a different answer, such as insecurity, boredom, or a feeling that the person has nothing to offer for the conversation and is trying to avoid being asked a question.”

She added: “It's important to realize that the lack of eye contact may be because of you or you may not have anything to do with it; the person concerned may feel uncomfortable, ashamed, afraid, self-conscious or insecure, and may also give you a clear message that they are not interested in talking to you, or that they are bored of the conversation, or do not agree with what you are saying, so you should look at each situation in context.”

Someone may also avoid eye contact because they are distracted by something in their life that has nothing to do with the current conversation, or it could just be a matter of different people enjoying varying levels of comfort around eye contact with someone.

Debra Fine, author of The Fine Art of Small Talk: How to Start a Conversation, Keep it Going, Build Networking Skills and Leave a Positive Impression, said: “This behavior may also be completely unconscious.”

She pointed out: “Just as many of us don't understand our body language, many people don't realize they're not making eye contact, and I tend to relax my back, so I have to remind myself to stand up straight, or some people may have disabilities; they may suffer from being visually impaired and cannot make eye contact with anyone.”

2. Promote cultural awareness about eye contact

Jennifer Kammeyer, who teaches leadership communication at San Francisco State University, said: “Not all cultures have the same standards about eye contact, so it's essential to be open about why you don't.

“In many Asian cultures, eye contact is inappropriate; you have to listen, keep your head down, and gesture very slightly, and technology engineers and some scientists in America don't see eye contact as necessary.”

If you're aware that you'll be connecting with people from different cultures at a social event, take some time to research the rules around eye contact and other aspects of communication. Gottsman noted that this would be a "respectful and considered gesture."

If you suspect someone is not making eye contact for cultural reasons but haven't had a chance to research, use tact and follow their example.

3. Act compassionately and kindly

"Regardless of the reason, the best approach when conversing with someone who doesn't make eye contact is always to act sympathetically and kindly. This could mean ignoring it and continuing the conversation, which could mean changing your behavior or pointing out respectfully," Nick Layton said. (Nick Leighton), etiquette expert and podcast co-host: "Were you Raised by Wolves?"

Because there are so many variables, there's no one answer, so use your wisdom to determine the right approach, but it's always best to let empathy guide your actions.

“Try not to resent yourself and don't let your frustration lead you to stop talking,” Nunez said, and if the person is a friend or  family member, you may feel comfortable enough to deal with the problem face-to-face.

Gottesman suggests: “You could say, 'I feel like there's a miscommunication; is there something on your mind?' Or  “Did I say something that upset you?” Or  “Is there anything you want to share? Perhaps,  I can help you. “Don't attack them; your style shouldn't be offensive; deal with compassion or understanding.”

4. Accommodate their style

If you're not close to the other person, you may be unable to determine why they lack eye contact.

Cammaire said: “If this is not an issue of different cultures, it is usually an issue of empowerment when the person who is not currently making eye contact is not empowered, and in either case, a wise communication strategy is not to coerce the other party, but rather to internalize the style, and if someone is not eye contact, use other techniques to assess whether they are engaged and understand what you are sharing.”

You can ask if they have any questions or need clarification about anything you say. Otherwise, continue the conversation as you would if they were making eye contact, listen to them, validate what they're saying, and smile; “A smile can do the impossible,” Regstad said.

Vine's guiding philosophy is to “carry the burden of comforting others in the conversation.” That is, you should adjust your style to facilitate a good conversation rather than expecting others to agree with what you're saying.

“Instead of letting the lack of eye contact make me uncomfortable, I might see if there's anything I can do to change the conversation to make it more comfortable.”

5. Switch conversation circumference

One way to transform conversation without eye contact or eliminate focus in eye contact is to change place or physical dynamics.

“Moving to the same side as the opposite end of the table and focusing attention on a document or screen,” Cammaire suggests, “what is essential is to switch from talking face-to-face to speaking side-by-side, so eye contact is not important.”

You say: "fine," I might say: "Do you want to sit down so we can review these details?" Or _you could try taking someone to a place with better lighting or a more comfortable place, but they might say, “No, I 'm fine,” in which case there's nothing else you can do.

6. Make sure it's not a one-sided conversation

Gottesman explained, “As a speaker, I keep an eye on the room to make a mental note of how people respond to what I have to say.”

“When you find someone who doesn't make eye contact with you in a small group or alone, it may be something you say, or maybe you say too much and don't give the other person a chance to talk when they're frustrated or losing interest.”

If you feel you have a monopoly on the conversation, try asking questions to give the other person more opportunities to talk.

Kammeyer advised asking questions that didn't have a “yes” or “no” answer to help the person she was talking to interact more in the discussion, noting that “questions that start with 'what' or 'how' are good for that.”

What do you think of this idea? It's an effective question because it's an open-ended question that can answer a person without being wrong. Still, the question “Do you like this idea?” doesn't work because it can be answered in one word, which doesn't give you much new information.

7. Have an introductory conversation

Kammeyer suggested having an “introductory conversation” on the topic you want to discuss.

“Introductory conversations are discussions about communication,” she said. “Ask the person how they prefer to communicate to achieve their goal. They may not even think the topic needs a conversation and prefer to share what they know via email or Slack. They may feel you interrupt them when you think you are having an interactive conversation. The direct request gives you more information to work for future interactions.”

Try to use a gentle tone with this approach to avoid triggering tension.

8. Give them a chance to leave the conversation

If you suspect the other person is not making eye contact because they don't want to interact or are distracted, give them a chance to leave the conversation diplomatically.

Gottsman said, “If it's someone you've met while communicating for work or at a social event, but you don't have contact with them, and they seem distracted and looking over your shoulder, it's an indication that they're interested in leaving, and their time may be tight or they may need to meet some people before they leave.”

She advises ending the conversation politely by saying something like, “It was nice talking to you, and I look forward to getting in touch with you another time.”

Gottesman recommends, “Have the conversation again if you're still interested in building a relationship. Sometimes, we don't start confidently when we meet someone, as we may avoid eye contact, especially since our greetings are strange now; we're not shaking hands or embracing each other. So, there's a whole list of things that can happen, and that doesn't mean communication is doomed to fail; it's just that it's not the right moment.”

We've all been through this, and in a way, you've found yourself in a conversation with someone whom you don't have much in common with, someone you're awful about, or someone who won't stop complaining about, to say the least, these kinds of interactions can be uncomfortable.