This article will define assertiveness and discuss the importance of prioritising it in your life. We'll clarify several realistic scenarios you might run into and suggest potential solutions to achieve the best results. Also, we will provide some practical tips to incorporate into your daily routine to help you improve your communication skills and boost your self-confidence.
What Is Assertiveness?
It is the ability to clearly and directly communicate your desires and needs. Also, it refers to the ability to respectfully and forcefully express one's emotions, perspectives, beliefs, and choices, even when they run counter to or conflict with others’ desires.
An assertive person feels comfortable and confident when voicing their opinions, even if it means rejecting something or disappointing a friend or colleague.
Understanding the Three Communication Styles
Consider how you communicate with others. Do you communicate only for yourself, striving hard to fulfil your desires and needs by any means necessary? Or do you prioritise and agree with others' desires and priorities over your own?
Communicating only for yourself is regarded as an aggressive communication style. Aggressive communicators put their needs first and will do whatever it takes to achieve their goals.
They might use manipulation techniques, bullying, intimidation, guilt-tripping, or demanding things be done in their favour.
However, others-centric communication is regarded as a passive communication style. Passive communicators prioritise others over themselves and cannot refuse any service requested of them, even if doing so greatly discomforts them. Also, they have temporarily set aside their interests and desires to help those who ask them to.
The third type of communication is assertive (self-assured or self-affirming). Assertive people know what they want and stick to their priorities and self-interests while considering and respecting those around them. They express their desires without forcing them on others, and they can refuse requests for assistance without feeling guilty or causing conflict.
Identifying Your Communication Style
We present three realistic, assertiveness-related scenarios to help you identify your communication style. These are probably scenarios you have encountered or will come across in the future.
When your communication style changes depending on the social context, circumstances, or people involved, you must respond with authenticity and sincerity to act appropriately.
Scenario #1
You have been excitedly looking forward to this weekend's barbecue party for weeks because your out-of-town friends and family will be coming, and you can't wait to see them just in hours. Unexpectedly, you receive an assistance request from a colleague who has made a mistake on a significant project and needs your help to fix it.
The required adjustments will be hard to resolve and may take up most of your weekend. So, how will you respond?
- You could decide to help your colleague, in which case you would have to inform friends and family about cancelling the barbecue party.
- Or you could refuse to help and call them stupid and incompetent before rejecting their request and attending the party.
- Or inform your colleague that you won't be able to help because you have important family plans for the weekend.
Scenario #2
Let's say you are a member of a specific organisation and want to help bring about change in your community, so you donate time and resources when available. Then, an official from the organisation asks you to become the chairperson. However, your time is already limited, so you can't take on this role and give the organisation more of your time, which means you won't have enough time for your family.
How will you respond?
- You could say, “All right, I think I can handle that.”
- Or, “I have already done enough for this organisation, and now you want me to do more for you?”
- Or, “Thank you. I'm glad as this seems like a great opportunity, but I have to decline your request because my time is limited.”
Scenario #3
One of your favourite speakers is giving a seminar in your area, and you've always wanted to meet him in person while he's giving a live speech. You have listened to many of his online speeches, and now you finally have the opportunity to see him live, sit in the audience, and share in the experience. However, when you tell your wife this exciting news, she doesn't seem as excited as you and tells you she doesn't want to go to that seminar.
How will you respond?
- You could tell her, “You're right; I don't think that seminar is important, and it's silly to go.”
- Or, “You will come with me if you really love me.”
- Or, “It's okay if you are not interested in this seminar; you don't have to go. I just thought I should offer to accompany me. However, I still prefer to go because it is important to me.”
Could you identify your communication style? Could you identify three different patterns? In each example, the first choice was the passive style, the second was the aggressive style, and the third was the assertive style.
Why Is Assertiveness Important?
Being assertive means valuing your desires, needs, feelings, opinions, beliefs, and choices and consciously prioritising these things for yourself.
Assertive people value their time and energy and have higher confidence and self-esteem. Being assertive helps you communicate your desires and interests clearly and directly, which helps reduce confusion, anxiety, and conflicts.
5 Assertiveness-Related Tips
If you struggle to be assertive, here are 5 tips to help you:
1. Set Clear Boundaries
Establishing clear boundaries is the first step toward becoming more assertive.
This could be putting time limits on meetings and activities, turning off your mobile, not answering your phone after long work hours, declining without feeling compelled to explain, or not responding to messages to avoid distractions.
2. Learn to Say No
This tip can be helpful to people who agree to help others without giving it much thought.
If you find yourself agreeing to everything to please others, you can learn how to say no by using helpful responses like "Let me check my schedule first, and I'll let you know if I can, " or simply, "I'm sorry, but I'm unable to help." Just remember that you are under no need to explain your refusal.
3. Realise Your Value
You should not waste your time or attention on anyone who asks for help because they are both valuable resources.
Don't expect others to value your time if you don't. Affirming and encouraging self-talk can help boost self-confidence, improve self-esteem, and enhance self-worth.
4. Maintain Your Composure
Thinking or communicating clearly and effectively with others can be challenging under stress or anxiety.
Deep breathing exercises or relaxation techniques can help refocus your mind, reduce unwanted negative emotions, improve cognitive abilities, and improve your mental state to react appropriately.
5. Take Small Steps
Practice assertiveness daily, and start with small steps if necessary. Look for opportunities to make some daily changes to be able to make firm decisions.
This could be deciding on dinner for the night, choosing an activity or movie for a fun family night, taking the day off to visit a spa resort, not answering incoming calls, or refusing something that doesn't concern you.
In Conclusion
Consider your desires, needs, feelings, opinions, beliefs, and choices, and determine the importance of these things to you. You should prioritise them. Therefore, make a conscious decision to start focusing on them.
Determine the significance of your time, effort, and interests. This article will help you look closely at yourself to evaluate your self-worth, so be honest with your self-perception. If the results are unsatisfactory, use the tips mentioned above to prioritise your interests in life and adopt an effective approach by making the required changes.
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