Physical pain and the pain of rejection are similar for a very good reason. Since it is impossible to live alone, eviction from a tribe has always been considered equivalent to execution for humans who lived in tribes. So, humans have evolved an internal system that warns them when they might be cut off from their tribe. Individuals who experienced more pain when exposed to rejection were more likely to change their behaviour, stay in the tribe, and carry on reproducing.
5 Ways Our Subconscious Reacts to Rejection
Here are five ways in which our subconscious mind reacts to rejection and how to deal with it:
1. Rejection causes great outbursts of anger and aggression that we take out on those around us
A breakup causes us a lot of anger, but the anger caused by rejection is not just a momentary reaction. Several studies have shown that even simple rejection causes people to redirect their anger towards people who are not at fault, such as friends and family. We might release our anger several hours after its cause.
For example, if you present a project at work in the morning and it gets rejected, you might become angry and argue with your partner when you get home at night.
The more severe the rejection is, the greater its effects. The Surgeon General of the U.S.A. issued a report in 2001 stating that rejection is the greatest factor stimulating violence among adolescents, more than poverty, drugs, and gangs.
It is also a major reason for many incidents of violence against women. Most people are not violent by nature, but being irritable, having an edge to our tone, and losing our cool and composure are all examples of how we react to recent minor rejections.
Seeking emotional support from people who care about us and hearing kind words can reduce our anger, especially if we do so immediately after being rejected.
2. Rejection destroys our need to belong
Another legacy from our tribal days is our basic need to feel like we belong to a particular group or tribe. Rejection destabilises this feeling, making us feel more uncomfortable and hurt emotionally. We can only satisfy this subconscious need by going out with a member of our close social circle, such as a family member or close friend. After being rejected, this will help us feel less alone and more connected, reducing stress.
3. Rejection causes self-torture
One of the most common and dreadful things we do when we experience rejection is to diminish our sense of self-worth and self-love and focus on our flaws and weaknesses. Most romantic rejections simply indicate a lack of compatibility between the two individuals. That could be something as simple as a mismatch in goals, interests, lifestyle, or physical appearance. There is no compatibility, and you are not the right person.
Searching for our faults fosters deep pain, hindering our recovery. So, to avoid hurting your already wounded pride, try to believe the most likely and least damaging explanation, which is that you are not the right person. If the other person tells you that you are not the problem, try to believe them.
4. Rejection does not allow us to think clearly
The emotional pain following rejection makes it difficult to think clearly. According to studies, simply thinking about rejection or loneliness can cause a person to perform worse on cognitive, decision-making, and short-term memory tests. Therefore, after rejection, we should take some time to process the emotional pain before returning to work or school, if possible. One way to relieve the emotional pain is to remind ourselves of what we have to offer as life partners, employees, and friends.
For example, when a partner rejects us, we need to write down all of our morally and ethically admirable traits, like compassion, loyalty, emotional support, attentive listening, etc. We must write about the importance of these traits in romantic relationships and how we can demonstrate this potential in the future.
This method and similar self-affirmation exercises have been shown to reduce emotional pain, boost self-esteem, and restore cognitive functioning and healthy thinking after experiencing rejection. So, be sure always to use writing because it helps you learn and grow.
5. Rejection leads to generalisation
When we are rejected, we pay a lot of attention to the harm we suffered and what led to it. We often lose the ability to look at the matter objectively, and we generalise the incident. For example, when a partner rejects us, we think that we will remain alone forever. Furthermore, we believe we won't be able to find employment again after being turned down for one.
When we encounter rejection, we all tend to generalise the experience. We trick ourselves into believing that the things around us justify our exaggerated feelings of fear and despair. Every breakup you have experienced is a single experience. Just because you did not get along with a specific person does not mean you will not get along with someone else, as everyone is different. The same applies to any other type of rejection.
Use suitable language and be careful to describe things accurately rather than generalising them to prevent exacerbating emotional suffering and damaging your self-esteem. Describe incidents as they are, and do not express them as if they are a specific pattern in your life. For example, instead of saying, “I was rejected again,” say, “It didn’t work out.”
In Conclusion
Recognising the five ways in which the subconscious reacts to rejection and taking steps to address them will reduce the emotional pain and anger you feel and restore your self-confidence and your ability to think clearly. Keep in mind that psychological harm requires the same level of attention and care as physical harm. This will speed up the healing process and prevent it from continuing longer in our lives and causing further damage.
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