Note: This article is by Margie Warrell, who talks about how to deal with difficult emotions.
The adoption of "toxic positivity" has become increasingly common lately. At the heart of toxic positivity lies a form of unintentional deception: the overgeneralization of "be happy, think positive" in all situations. This approach is detrimental because when positivity is overused to suppress, belittle, or negate negative emotions, it undermines the richness of the human experience.
The truth is, life can be tough at times, much like it has been in recent months amidst the pandemic (COVID-19), which has brought hardship and sorrow into the homes and hearts of millions.
Can goodness emerge from difficult times? Certainly! Yet, this doesn't discount the difficult and profoundly harsh emotions that naturally surface in our lives.
Next week, my son Ben will be graduating from high school. However, he hasn't seen his friends since March, and it breaks my heart to see him miss out on so much fun. I've also been feeling disappointed because my book's promotional tour was canceled in April. On the day it was supposed to launch, I went into quarantine, and my husband was hospitalized with COVID-19. No words of comfort or expressions felt sufficient on that difficult day.
It seems you've been through your fair share of challenges and hardships lately, and maybe you're still facing them even now. If so, I urge you to reconsider your approach to positivity. Not because maintaining a positive mindset is essential for navigating life's ups and downs, but because when we try to suppress or avoid negative emotions, we inadvertently shut ourselves off from the experiences that bring us true joy. Avoiding pain can sometimes become its form of suffering.
5 Effective Strategies for Coping with Challenging Emotions
Below are five strategies to navigate away from toxic positivity and effectively manage negative emotions:
1. Acknowledge Your True Feelings
We're not bound to feel pain. Rather, we're often encouraged to evade it. Nonetheless, through embracing our painful emotions, we can access profound reservoirs of inner strength. This can be achieved by welcoming the discomfort we feel, instead of attempting to escape from it.
The next time you experience an emotion that doesn't comfort you, seek a quiet space. Take a moment to identify all the feelings you're experiencing: sadness, anxiety, jealousy, guilt, disappointment, and so on. Notice where these emotions manifest in your body (they always have a physical presence!). Then, place your hand on that area and take a few deep breaths for a couple of minutes. As you do this, ask yourself what issue requires your attention.
Research suggests that acknowledging these feelings from the start helps to lessen their impact. Conversely, denying uncomfortable emotions tends to amplify them. By fully embracing our negative emotions, we create space for experiencing positive ones, as you can't fully appreciate positive emotions without acknowledging the negative ones.
2. Share Your Life With Those Who Truly Deserve It
"How are you?"
"I'm great" is the default response, what people want to hear, and what we want to be true, and sometimes it is. However, when we conceal the less-than-ideal truths of our lives and create a façade of emotional perfection, we isolate ourselves from those who could truly support us through our struggles, risking the cultivation of superficial friendships.
3. Cease Blaming Yourself For Lacking Optimism
If you strive to embody positivity, negative emotions may pose a threat to your sense of self. However, self-blame for lacking optimism only compounds your sense of despair.
Even the most optimistic individuals can experience negativity at times. Therefore, be gentle with yourself and treat yourself with the compassion you would offer your closest friend. Goodness can emerge from feelings of fear, anger, and sadness, provided we don't struggle against or flee from them. Instead of trying to eradicate negativity, we should strive to increase positivity. However, we cannot cultivate more positive feelings if we punish ourselves every time we experience negativity.
But that doesn't mean you have to tell everyone about all your problems or how bad you feel. It means sharing only with those who deserve to know what weighs heavily on you, as not everyone is worthy of sharing your pain.
When my husband was hospitalized due to COVID-19, I felt a mix of anxiety and exhaustion. Despite having written a book on confronting doubt and fostering courage, it didn't shield me from fear in that moment. In the initial days of his fever battle, my fears overwhelmed me. I reached out to close friends and family, tears flowing freely, even though I strive to maintain resilience. Yet, I've learned that my emotions grow stronger when I allow others to offer their support.
This applies to you as well. Sharing your struggles doesn't make them disappear, but it does help you bear them better. It's true to a large extent that "sharing the burden cuts it in half." So, it's okay to admit that you're not okay when asked about your well-being. And of course, if you're truly still struggling, muster the courage to seek professional help. Seeking out those who can assist you isn't a sign of weakness; it shows that you want to become stronger.
4. Respecting The Challenging Emotions Experienced By Others
After a miscarriage in the middle of my first pregnancy, many people attempted to help me cope, but sometimes their words had unintended consequences. A colleague remarked, "I suppose it wasn't meant for that baby to live." Absolutely not! I had already envisioned their first day of school. Another said, "At least you're still young." Yes, I was, but amidst my sorrow, their words provided little solace.
As I've learned from experiences of loss, the only way to overcome sadness is to fully accept and respect it. When others feel it, they must acknowledge any new, difficult reality they face.
One of the most fundamental human needs is to find someone who listens and understands them. This requires us to overcome our instinctive response to alleviate their pain or solve their problems, as some issues can never be fixed.
Above all, what people genuinely need isn't dismissive phrases like “look on the bright side,” but rather, to be listened to, acknowledged, and understood, regardless of where they are emotionally (even if you perceive their reactions as exaggerated!).
Here are three ways to achieve that:
1. Respect their feelings by acknowledging them
"This is tough! I'm really sorry, this is difficult stuff, and I know how exhausting it must be for you. I understand why you feel this way."
2. Let them know you're there for them
"I don't know what to say, but I'm here for you and I support you. We'll get through this hardship together." "We'll overcome this together, is there anything I can do today to lighten the load for you?"
3. Affirm your belief in them and their future
"Success is on your side, I'm confident you'll get through this. How can I support you? I'll stand by you every step of the way."
5. Facing Reality While Retaining Hope
The presence of challenging emotions doesn't necessarily negate optimism; you can harbor negativity towards certain aspects of your life while still maintaining hope for the future.
Currently, I'm feeling a sense of distress as my family is spread across three continents, and international travel restrictions prevent me from being with them. Nevertheless, I hold onto the belief that we will reunite someday, and when we do, it will be a joyous occasion.
Change is a divine law, so honor any emotions you experience while also holding onto your faith that the future holds promise. Even amid adversity, remember that circumstances are not permanent. Living a full life entails living with courage; there's no place for toxic positivity. True courage emerges from facing our deepest fears, not from ignoring them.
At times, giving yourself permission to feel bad may be the kindest thing you can do for yourself.
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