Note: This article is by Vanessa Van Edwards, who tells us about the necessity of being wrong sometimes and how to overcome the desire to always be right.
What's the Best Way to Make Mistakes?
6. I'm Definitely Right
Sometimes, we have to make snap decisions, and in order to take the best course of action, we need to count heavily on our first impressions and gut feelings. While reading Schulz's book, Being Wrong: Adventures in the Margin of Error, I stumbled upon this quote on the third page: "A whole lot of us go through life assuming that we are right, basically all the time, about basically everything: about our political and intellectual convictions, our religious and moral beliefs, our assessment of other people, our memories, our grasp of facts. As absurd as it sounds when we stop to think about it, our steady state seems to be one of unconsciously assuming that we are very close to omniscient."
These lines spoke to me, and I don't think I'm stretching the truth when I say that most relationship breakdowns stem from our unconscious assumption that we are right.
Steven Stosny advises couples not to get caught up in the constant need to be right. According to him, the spike in divorces is closely linked to the battle for dominance, each party's constant need to establish their validity, and their pressing need to be right while also blaming the other and accusing them of being wrong. Anger is one of those emotions that can trigger an adrenaline rush and spike amphetamines, giving us the impression that we're "even more right." Dr. Stosny claims that amphetamines temporarily boost confidence and certainty while impairing mental clarity and eliminating the majority of variables from our consideration.
7. It's Quite the Challenge to Maintain a Relationship When You're Strong-Minded
The universe's enchanted fruit is bananas. They're tasty, rich in vitamins and minerals, and easy to bring thanks to their peel wherever you go. Plus, they are yellow, the color of sunshine and happiness. Yet, in my husband's words, "Bananas need to vanish off the face of the planet! I hate them!"
In our never-ending banana quarrel, we're both right. It makes sense in light of his opinions on bananas. It's a notion rather than a truth. Mistakes are not always the same.
8. I'm Never Right
"Wrong," or "mistake," is a serious term. It suggests that there must be a clear-cut, binary solution—right or wrong. However, mistakes usually have different aspects and causes. For instance, it's important to know what you can and cannot talk about in relationships. I'd like to bring up the following: What if there is a spectrum that stretches between truth, belief, and opinion, and "mistake" is somewhere along that range?
Opinions are interpretations of our own experiences—tastes, sentiments, and views—which means you can't possibly be wrong about them. So, stop arguing about them; you'll come out with frustration. Belief falls somewhere between truth and opinion; note that it combines verifiable truths and subjective feelings. Choose the top three topics you and your partner, parents, or friends disagree on.
Decide where you stand on every topic and whether it's more opinion or truth. Then, find out where your partner stands from them. This can completely shift the way you approach discussions. Here's an example involving a couple I know.
Two years ago, my friend Tracy and Doug got married. Every Monday night, they have a shouting match over football. Tracy hates watching the game at Doug's friend's place, and this is how it often goes down:
- Tracy: "I don't want to go. I hate going there! You're loud, the food is bad, and you actually overdose on caffeine."
- Doug: "It's the only time I get to see my buddies—the best part of Mondays. Plus, it's only three hours—not that long!"
This is a weekly quarrel. When they told me about it, I knew exactly what the problem was: a clash of truths, beliefs, and opinions jumbled into one big issue. But how about we take a different stance on it?
The Truth
There's a football match every Monday night.
Opinions
- I don't want to go.
- I hate going there.
- It's the best part of Mondays.
- The food is bad.
- You overdose on caffeine.
- It's the only time I get to see my buddies.
Beliefs
Truths are non-negotiable; neither Tracy nor Doug can change the game. Opinions can be tough to discuss but can be altered by beliefs. Here's how:
The food is bad, and I hate going to your friends' place:
If Tracy thinks the food is bad, she won't eat anything, so instead of arguing over the game, go over the food options. For example, Doug can suggest they:
- Grab a quick meal before heading to his friends' place.
- Bring Tracy's favorite munchies.
- Invite his buddies over so Tracy can cook her favorite meal.
You overdose on caffeine, so I don't want to go:
If Tracy believes her husband consumes too much caffeine, she should zoom in on it during the discussion, not on the game. Tracy can ask:
- Can you limit yourself to two cups of coffee?
- Would you like coffee before we go there?
- Can we try spending evenings without stimulants?
It's the only time I get to see my buddies—the best part of Mondays
This is worth bringing up if Doug believes that this is his only chance to see his buddies. For instance:
- We should get together every Friday as a group, with our wives included, so Tracy has someone to talk to.
- How about having a game night on Tuesdays?
- Let's plan a BBQ for this weekend.
This has been a lengthy example, but I hope it illuminates the concept of "being wrong" by stressing the differences between what is inherently wrong and what is negotiable. Practice this in one of your recurring arguments with a friend, parent, or partner using the following steps:
Recurring Arguments
- The truth.
- Your opinions.
- Partner's opinions.
- Your beliefs.
- Partner's beliefs.
Negotiate after that.
9. Justifying Mistakes
We've approached mistakes as negative, which is not at all the case. According to Schulz, making mistakes is a skill that allows for growth and that wrong—rather than right—defines who we are.
When we make a mistake, we discover a great deal about ourselves, our behavior, and other people's behavior when they make mistakes. Here are some questions to think about:
- Do you master the art of making mistakes?
- What have you learned from your mistakes?
- How do you deal with a friend or partner who makes a mistake, and what have you learned?
Stated differently, we can only truly learn who we are when we are ready to embrace and reflect on our mistakes. Being wrong is a tough and often dangerous adventure, but it's also unforgettable.
In the words of Schulz, to be wrong is to be led astray, yet it opens your eyes to the world while you're lost in your thoughts. The truth, on the other hand, is more fulfilling, but it is ultimately fixed.
10. Mastering the Art of Making Mistakes
In the brief passage of the book that I read, Schulz said that when she opened up about her book, people had told her they wanted to be interviewed because they were always making mistakes. They could not offer even a single instance of their mistakes, though. This struck me as an intriguing point.
She calls this a category problem, meaning we often forget the things we were wrong about:
- Alternative thoughts: When we find out we are wrong about something, we usually replace that belief or behavior with another that we believe to be right. To put it another way, when we find a belief we hold to be wrong, we automatically replace it with one we believe to be true, leading to an immediate shift in our perspective.
- This made me reflect on my old beliefs, and I found this exercise to be a lovely journey of the mind.
11. The Right Way to Be Wrong
I'll use this final point to summarize the best ways to make mistakes:
- Being right is good, but it's dull.
- Making mistakes is a great way to learn, grow, and experience the unknown.
- Identify your emotional weaknesses.
- You can be wrong and maintain your relationships.
- Remember that opinions can't be wrong.
- Understand the difference between truth, opinion, and belief.
- There will always be things you used to believe in in the past.
- Your thoughts will change, so be open to that change.
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