Simply put, at best, this results in people choosing their words carefully to convey the meaning and message of what they want to say appropriately and usefully for the task at hand. At worst, we can become provocative and mask hostility and frustration with corporate language that gives us the power to deny what we are doing in an acceptable way.
“It can be easily denied, like, I didn't mean to offend, or I didn't mean you're no good at work,” says Ryan Howes, MD, a clinician in Pasadena, California. “It is just words.” The problem with this type of phrase is that it is useless, because the person may understand its meaning or may not understand its intent, and then you yourself will not be satisfied when you express your criticism in an incomprehensible way, because no one will pay attention to your words or your thoughts.”
Part of the solution to stopping this behavior is identifying how and when this feeling of veiled criticism arises so that you can deal with it or get rid of the small things that led you to be mean indirectly.
The most common veiled hostile phrases at work
Here are some of the most common offensive line phrases we all encounter on the job, along with some suggestions for more assertive and tactful alternatives:
1. "According to my previous email"
Anyelis Cordero, founder of Propel On Purpose Coaching, designed for first-generation professionals, says:
“Phrases such as ‘as you have mentioned,’ ‘according to the last email I received/sent,’ or ‘as you said’ are all offensive, veiled statements to prove yourself, to correct someone who may have missed information, or to build your response on previous information.
If you find yourself using these phrases often, it may be a sign that you need to revise your communication style. We expect others to read and understand emails just as we do, with our voice, our feelings, and our way, but the truth is, it doesn't always happen.”
It can also be an indirect way of indicating that you're doing your best and your email recipient isn't.
"Another reason people use 'in my previous email' is because it's a proactive move to protect themselves, which signals a lack of trust," says organizational psychologist Laura Gallaher at consulting firm Gallaher Edge. Someone might say, "In my previous email," to avoid getting into trouble or to indicate that they've already provided this information, so "you can't be bothered now."
A better alternative, Gallaher suggested, is to "approach the other person more flexibly and simply provide useful information, rather than feel annoyed at having to repeat yourself."
2. “I am sending a copy of the manager’s email as proof”
Kimberly B. Cummings, a leadership consultant and author of Next Move, Best Move: Transitioning into a Career You'll Love, explains that when someone involves your boss in an email subject, it can be a provocative way of showing they don't trust you.
“It really is a signal that they want your manager to stay on top of everything in order to prioritize their request, or there could be a loss of trust in the relationship between the two colleagues,” Cummings said.
Another way to fix this is to simply ask the addressee to give your request priority or to ask the addressee to specify when they can respond to your request.
3. “Many of us believe”
Gallaher says that using phrases like "many of us believe" can be a provocative way to hide your views behind the vague opinions of many other people.
“This suggests we have been talking about you behind your back.” There is often ambiguity as to who “we” refers to. This means that the person receiving the information cannot have a real conversation with these supposed people. So it is better for each person to speak for himself so that there is some kind of influence and self-accountability.
Moreover, if you are one of the people at work who is represented in the category of "we," you may feel provoked, or at least that you have no influence as long as your name is spoken.
4. “It is clear that”
Ryan Howes explains how these are provocative statements in which the hostile formulation contradicts its meaning: "When co-workers post clarifications like, 'Well, you obviously know our company policy on this,' there is an underlined hostility; ‘you should know that’ and ‘you should know better’ are part of the hidden meaning behind these phrases.
The most tactful way is to explain to your coworker about something if they don't know about it or if you're not sure if they do."
5. "I don't mean to offend, but"
Gallaher points out that this is not just a condescending, disrespectful statement; it is also a common provocative phrase.
"Instead of saying passively that you don't want to offend and then doing so," Gallagher suggested, "you could ask permission to give some feedback about something, lest what you say directly might upset the person you're talking to, or show them the importance of building trust between yourselves so that you can have a really transparent and open dialogue with each other."
If you want to prevent clandestine hostility from taking over your team, realize that it all comes down to building trust with colleagues.
Ultimately, "people are often aggressive because they haven't made it clear to themselves what they really want or because they're afraid to bring it up honestly," Gallaher says. "And often, a lack of trust is a problem when people are afraid to be upfront and clear with each other."
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