Note: This article is based on the work of emotional intelligence coach Susan Klarain, in which she tells us about her experience in implementing some steps that help avoid being quick to criticize others.
Some of your most troubling relationships are some manifestations of your unconscious anxiety, self-doubt, and lack you see in your employee. It is a reflection of what worries you that others see as a deficiency in you.
The thing you find annoying about your co-worker; It is the thing that you want to change in your personality and behavior. So the next time you judge someone for not living up to your expectations; Take a moment and think: how does this work for you?
For example, if you are frustrated by an employee who does not respond quickly enough, you are probably worried that others will think that you are the one who is not responding. I once coached a manager who described her vice president as demanding and micromanaging. She was often frustrated by what she interpreted as unnecessarily critical of every detail; She becomes nervous as her boss's remarks grow increasingly upset.
During our self-discovery discussion, she realized that she was always very critical of herself, and when her boss gave her feedback on her work, it sparked a critical voice in her.
This confirmed her subconscious self-doubt, and her defensive reactions increased. Without consciously realizing it, she would respond as if under threat, attacking the perceived enemy with insulting thoughts. With this insight, she was able to look more objectively at how she interpreted the situation.
She realized that her interpretation of her boss' remarks had more to do with her than with her boss. With her new-found self-awareness, she was able to appreciate her boss's intentions and have an honest and respectful conversation about the aspects of her manager's style that she found unprovoking. So the relationship has become healthier.
This always happens because your emotions are constantly scanning the environment for signs of danger to yourself and your sense of self-worth. When emotionally threatened, you automatically form an immediate opinion of a person or situation. Believing that your interpretation of people and events is the true interpretation is a form of self-protection. And all of this happens automatically and without your awareness (I call this “automatic awareness”).
This automatic awareness comes from the innate functions of the brain. This applies to the most successful and highest performing managers; Their drive and determination to succeed prevents them from noticing that they are automatically and unconsciously projecting their self-doubt onto others. It is as if they were saying: "It is not me, but you."
Steps you need to take to understand your true motivations
You can use your ability of emotional intelligence to bring out what is hidden in your awareness; When you understand yourself and your true motives, you can treat others with honesty and respect. Which you can do by following these steps:
1. Self-awareness
Improving your self-awareness is the first step in suppressing your automatic awareness. Minds are full of chaos, judgments, automatic mental habits, and fears. Getting these thoughts out of your head and writing them down on paper provides space and objectivity in which to examine your opinions and perceptions.
Ask yourself, "How true is what I just wrote? How will someone else see this?" Journaling can be easily practiced by jotting down the feelings that come up during the day in your notebook, calendar, or sticky notes, or it can be a ritual you make time for at the beginning or end of the day. The most important thing is to write using paper and pen, not using a phone or computer. The motor act of typing activates areas of the brain that electronic writing does not.
2. Assessment of Automatic Awareness
As an Emotional Intelligence and Core Energy Coach, I guide clients through a unique assessment that helps them look "inside," find the root of relationship challenges, and break beliefs they hold about themselves and others.
This evaluation takes something abstract, such as your opinions and beliefs about yourself, others, and the world around you; turning it into something tangible, a metric that you can see and evaluate; In doing so, clients discover insights that help them make choice in the way they think, feel, and interact with others.
3. Stop
There is a distance between action and reaction. So what happens at that distance? You can be curious and ask yourself a few questions: Why is this person bothering me? What does this say about me and the way I drive? Where does this prejudice come from?
4. Breathing
Take a deep breath and give a better response; Feelings are habits of the mind, and these habits either help or hurt us when it comes to leading ourselves and others. To calm yourself down - even in a tense meeting - stretch your shoulders to release tension and sit comfortably in your chair. Relax your arms and breathe in deeply for a count of 4 and then exhale for a count of 4. Just breathing in for a count of 4 will give you the pause you need and no one will notice you're doing it.
5. Take a walk
When you feel down, stress builds up, which leads to the release of cortisol in your body and clouds your mind, causing you to lose patience and focus. In this case, getting up and moving helps dissipate cortisol. Brisk walking sends oxygen to your brain, clearing your thoughts. The sights, sounds, and smells of the outside world also help shift your perspective; walking is a form of meditation in motion.
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