Note: This article is from Erin Falconer's blog, where she talks about being a real person.
I was staring at my regional manager, struggling to swallow what he was saying altogether. I couldn't even hear the words he was spewing because I was so mad at him, at the company, even at myself. How could this happen to me? How could I be dismissed from the management development program when I was promised participation upon hitting certain goals? And now that I've reached them, what do I do?
As I try to wrap my head around what's happening, he drops one last bomb before the meeting ends, disregarding me: "You're just a negative person, overly pessimistic. Try changing that about yourself, and maybe we can revisit this program in six months."
Realist? Pessimist? Me?
Am I someone who sees the glass half-empty? Was my manager serious about it? That couldn't be true. I've always been realistic rather than pessimistic. Sure, I'm the one who always brings up the downsides at meetings, but every business needs employees who can see things objectively, who can point out issues, and who don't just rubber-stamp everything upper management suggests. So, yes, I was proud of myself.
However, in the days that followed, fueled by what was said to me, I grumbled and complained to anyone who'd listen about how unfairly I was treated. The reactions were not as supportive as I had thought; rather than being met with empathy, I was met with apathy and even outright ridicule, with some people asking, "What did you expect?"
Seeing Myself Through Others' Eyes
I was truly stunned, beginning to see myself as others saw me. According to the Myers-Briggs indicator, people tend to view themselves as belonging to one of three different personality types: optimists, realists, or pessimists.
Whenever I address a group, I normally ask participants to raise their hands to indicate the group they believe they belong to. Typically, the split is established by how realistic, optimistic, or pessimistic each participant feels.
Of course, not everyone likes to put up their hands and identify as pessimists, so this data isn't accurate. In my experience, doing so is rarely a wise professional decision. However, it's a tough question because, in my opinion, there are only two groups of people: optimists and pessimists.
Realism: Fictional or Not?
Take a look around right now. Take note of the things that were once utterly absurd and impossible in the past but are now widespread. Take, for instance, the device you're using to read this article. Every groundbreaking achievement in human history seemed unattainable at one point. History is filled with realists who point out the flaws and the time optimists waste.
Thankfully, optimists tend to turn a deaf ear to the realism of those pessimists, or else we'd still be living in caves wearing loincloths. If you're still unconvinced and think you're a realist, let me break it down.
How Much of a Realist Are You?
Think about the last five items on your worry list. How many of them actually happened? If you're like most of my clients, either one thing happened or nothing at all. Even if something did happen, I doubt it was as complicated as you had imagined. So, how realistic is it to spend most of your time worrying about things that never happen? Or how you are going to handle them if they do happen.
After a short stint with this reality check, I picked up Martin Seligman's book Learned Optimism, and things started to make sense. I realised that my brand of realism wasn't just draining those around me and weighing heavily on my career; it also came with negative psychological and health issues attached.
Optimists lead longer lives, are happier, have fewer health problems, reach greater career success, and make more money overall. Plus, while our DNA may determine our baseline happiness levels at birth, anyone can learn to be optimistic and consequently be happier. So, if that's the case, then the will is present.
Why Had No One Told Me This Before?
It's been over ten years since I had that conversation with my manager, and hardly a day has passed where I haven't done something to help myself become a happier, more optimistic person. I'd be lying if I said it was easy because life doesn't work that way. However, I'm happy to report that I'm now the person seeking solutions, not the person seeking problems. And I'm glad my manager made it clear to me that I needed to get a saddle because, although I didn't believe it then, I confirmed that there wasn't a plot against me.
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