Note: This article is taken from the blog of Elissa Weinzimmer, in which we talked about how to defend yourself.
When faced with an immediate threat, our nervous system becomes disorganized. However, evolutionarily speaking, our nervous system will treat this event as if a predator is about to attack us, even though the threat could be that our manager talked to us assertively about missing the deadline to act.
According to Dr. Stephen Porges, author of the polyvagal theory - a neuroscientific theory about the role of autonomic behavior in regulating emotional states and social behaviors - this nervous system disorder can lead in two ways. In all cases, when faced with a threat, we will first stimulate a fight-or-flight response, our heart will beat quickly, our sweat glands activate, and our field of vision will narrow.
If the threat is severe or persists for a long time, we may collapse further and fall into a stalemate.
Either way, whether in a fight to fight or frozen and collapsing, our minds have very little ability to hold together and communicate because our body cares about our safety.
Having these disorders is not bad. In fact, they have evolved to aid in our survival. However, when we are anxious, we find it difficult to defend ourselves.
Make sure you're safe first
First of all, in light of everything we've just covered, beg forgiveness from yourself if there have been instances in which you haven't stood up for yourself. Then, ask yourself, "Was I trying to survive or stay safe at that moment?"
If so, it makes sense that you would be stuck rather than defending yourself. Forgive yourself; your nervous system is in good shape.
To speak honestly, we must feel safe, and if you don't feel safe with your boss, friend, partner, family member, etc., you will have difficulty defending yourself.
Fortunately, there are two positive things about this:
- The best way to practice this skill, especially at the beginning, is after the incident happened.
- The more you practice this skill, the more you can use it the moment the problem occurs over time.
So, you can practice in a secure environment and gain self-defense skills.
The process of the body's attachment to sound
I've spent over ten years researching sound and physical practices as a sound and movement coach. I will introduce you to the "body-to-sound process" to help you defend yourself in any situation.
Over the years, I have created this process by combining knowledge, methods, theater, lyrical pedagogy, communication theory, speech science, yoga practice, philosophy, and psychology, especially Bonnie Bainbridge Cohen's book Body-Mind Centering.
What you should do is concentrate on a particular moment that you want to comprehend more fully. You might be experiencing this right now or from the past. (If they are from the past, imagine the following questions in the past tense.)
Steps to defend yourself when faced with a direct threat
1. “Feeling”
What is the most powerful sensation you feel in your body right now?
We start with this first and fundamental question, as the research by author Bessel van der Kolk teaches us, our bodies maintain the result. Before you can defend yourself, you have to know how you feel, and to understand how you feel, start with your body. For example, you can say: “Right now, my heart is beating very fast.”
Be sure to keep your answer focused on your body.
2. “Incentive”
What do you think was the motivation that led you to feel this feeling?
That is probably a simple sentence about what happened, and you must keep it simple. Otherwise, you may get lost in your thoughts.
Example: “I believe I feel like that because my boss scolded me for missing the deadline.”
3. “Feelings”
How do you feel about noticing all of this?
The next step is to tap into your feelings. If you're uncertain how you feel, here are some basic feelings: anger, fear, sadness, happiness, excitement, disgust, and tenderness. Remember that it's acceptable to experience various emotions, and you can include them all.
Example: “It made me feel angry and scared.”
4. “Desires”
Do you have any desires related to everything you just noticed?
After that, you can notice any desires that may emerge from all this; sometimes, superficial desires may hide deeper desires, so if you are confused, keep in mind that human desires stem from the need for safety, comfort, love, and progress.
For instance, "What I actually need is some help to finish all my work and to know that I still have my job."
5. “Attendance”
A transitional step that will help you feel comfortable defending yourself.
Part of the reason we can't defend ourselves the moment something happens is that we're not present. That is another way of saying that our nervous system is disorganized. If thinking about this has upset you again, take a few moments to breathe.
One of the best ways to make sure you are present is to close your eyes and focus on the colors and shapes around you, and the more you improve, the faster you will be able to carry out this process when anything happens.
6. “Expression”
Share your voice.
The amazing thing about everything you have done so far is that you have allowed yourself to express yourself. If we combine all the previous examples, we will get the following text:
“Right now, my heart is beating fast, and I think the reason I am feeling it is because my boss scolded me for not meeting the deadline, which made me feel angry and scared, and what I want is some support to get all my work done and to know that I still have my job.”
However, you won't say that to your boss directly because it isn't necessary. Instead, you could say something like:
“When you talked to me earlier about not meeting the deadline, I felt upset, and I want to tell you that I had a lot of work to do, and I need more support to meet the current deadlines, and I want to excel in this job so that you and I feel safe.”
That is great and right, and you are not angry with your boss because of an outburst of anger, but simply speak honestly.
7. “Communication”
Have a real conversation.
After you express yourself, leaving space is essential to see your impact on the person or people you are communicating with. Here you start with a real conversation, and defending yourself pays off.
Remember that the process we just went through might continue indefinitely, and you might constantly need to refer back to your physical sensations to determine how you feel and what you want to say next so you can speak up for yourself rather than for anyone else.
How will that change your life?
You may notice that when we use the word “feelings,” we can refer to several things: our physical sensations, our thoughts, our emotions, and even our desires.
This body-to-sound process details the different aspects of our feelings to be clear to us. When we use this process to practice feeling safe and to clarify our emotions, we will be better at defending ourselves. The more you practice this process, the more you will know what to say most kindly and effectively.
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