How to Be Emotionally Intelligent?

What Is Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence (EQ) can be defined as the ability to understand and control your emotions, express them effectively, as well as engage and navigate successfully with those of others. According to the emotional intelligence advice website Talent Smart, 90% of high performers in the workplace have high emotional intelligence, while 80% of low performers have low emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence is essential for building, developing, maintaining, and enhancing personal relationships. Unlike IQ, which does not change significantly over a lifetime, our EQ can evolve and increase with our desire to learn and grow.

Here are six strategies to enhance your emotional intelligence, with references from the books How to Let Go of Negative Thoughts and Emotions and Are You Highly Sensitive? How to Gain Immunity, Peace, and Self-Mastery! by author Preston Ni.

How to Possess Emotional Intelligence?

1. Reducing Negative Emotions

Perhaps no aspect of EQ is more important than our ability to effectively manage our negative emotions so they don't overwhelm us and affect our judgment. We have to change our thoughts about a situation before we can change our feelings about it. Here are two examples of this:

1.1. Avoid Personalizing Everything

When you are hostile toward someone's behavior, avoid jumping to a negative conclusion right away. Instead, take a few moments to think before you react. For example, instead of assuming that your friend is ignoring you when they did not answer your call, consider that they were extremely busy.

We can view other people's acts more objectively when we avoid personalizing their behaviors since people make decisions based on them more than on us. Having a more comprehensive perspective helps avoid misunderstandings.

1.2. Managing the Fear of Rejection

Giving yourself plenty of options in crucial circumstances can help you effectively manage your fear of rejection by giving you solid options to fall back on in an emergency. Therefore, avoid dealing with more than one issue at the same time by developing a workable plan and also a backup plan if the first plan does not work. For example:

When your fear of rejection is at its highest, you might say, "I'm going to apply for my dream job, and I'll be devastated if I don't get the job." Once your fear of rejection fades, you may say, "I'm applying for three important jobs. If one doesn't work out, I'm fully qualified for the other two."

2. Maintaining Calm and Controlling Stress

Most people go through periods of stress in their lives. Dealing with difficult situations firmly and readily yields a different result than dealing with them confusedly and emotionally. Keeping calm under pressure is the most crucial thing to concentrate on. Here are two brief tips:

• If you feel stressed and anxious, take a cold shower and get some fresh air. A moderate temperature can help reduce our anxiety level. Also, we should avoid caffeinated drinks that can increase our stress.
• If you feel afraid, depressed, or frustrated, engage in intense aerobic exercise and physical activity. How we use our bodies has a big impact on how we feel. Activity fuels passion, and self-confidence rises when you feel energized physically.

3. Assertiveness and Expressing Painful Emotions When Necessary

Psychologist Harriet Lerner says, "Being who we are requires that we can talk openly about things that are important to us, that we take a clear position on where we stand on important emotional issues, and that we clarify the limits of what is acceptable and tolerable to us in a relationship."

We must establish boundaries that suit us and let people know where we stand at certain times in our lives. This could be exercising our right to disagree without being offensive, refusing without feeling guilty, prioritizing our needs, getting what we deserve, and protecting ourselves from coercion and harm.

One way to express painful emotions is to use the narrative technique, which involves mentioning the type of emotion, its cause, and the situation in which it occurred. Here are a few examples:

• "I feel a strong need for the company to acknowledge my contributions."
• "I feel uncomfortable because you expect me to help you at the expense of my own priorities."
• "I feel disappointed when you break your promises to me."

Steer clear of phrases that start with "you" and end with an indictment or judgment, like "you are," "you should," or "you need to." Such commands, when coupled with the "you" language, put the other person on the defensive and reduce their likelihood of being receptive to what you have to say.

4. Dealing with Difficult People by Being Proactive, Not Reactive

Most of us deal with unreasonable people in our daily lives, whether it's at work or at home. We may find that we let unpleasant people influence us and spoil our day. Use these three simple tips to help you handle situations like these:

• Take a deep breath and count slowly to ten before saying something you might later regret when you're angry or upset with someone. Usually, by the time you get to ten, you'll have figured out a better way to explain the situation so that you can simplify rather than exacerbate the problem. If, after ten counts, you're still angry, try taking a break and coming back to the matter once you've calmed down.
• Consider putting yourself in the difficult individual’s shoes, even briefly. For example, consider the person you’re dealing with and think, “They must be facing difficulties with this.” Then, modify it using these examples:
  • “ My child is resisting me strongly. They must be facing difficulty dealing with school and social pressures.”
  • “ My manager has high demands. They must be facing difficulty in meeting the high expectations set by management.”

• Determine the results. One of the most crucial abilities you can have when dealing with difficult people is recognizing and validating consequences. Effectively worded consequences will give the difficult person a time out and make them shift from disrespectful to respectful behavior. According to Preston Ni's book How to Communicate Effectively and Handle People, there are seven different kinds of power you can use to bring about change.

5. Restoring Courage After Hardship

Former American basketball player Michael Jordan says, "I've missed over 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."

We all know that life is not always easy. Our choices in how we think, feel, and act in the face of life's challenges can often make a difference. We can select victory over defeat, optimism over pessimism, and hope over despair. Consider the following when facing a difficult situation: "What is the lesson I have learned?" "How can this experience help me grow?" "What matters most right now?" "What better options are there if I think outside the box?" The higher quality questions we ask, the better quality answers we receive. Therefore, ask constructive questions based on learning and priorities, and you will get suitable ideas to help you deal with the current situation.

Before becoming the President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln experienced eight election losses, two business failures, and a nervous breakdown. He is a wonderful example of someone who overcame difficulties.

6. Expressing Intimate Emotions in Close Personal Relationships

The ability to effectively express and validate tender emotions is essential for maintaining close relationships. The term "effective" in this context refers to the ability to share intimate feelings with someone in a relationship richly and constructively and having the capacity to respond positively when the other person does the same.

American novelist Pearl Buck said, "His heart withers if it does not answer another heart." Psychologist John Gottman calls expressing intimate emotions "support," where support can be any positive communication between two people who want to establish a close relationship. For example:

6.1. Supportive Speech

"How are you?" "How do you feel?" "I love you" "I appreciate you" "I love talking like this" "I'm glad we're spending time together" "You're a good friend" "I'm sorry."

6.2. Supportive Body Language

Positive eye contact, hugging, smiling, patting, and putting an arm around the shoulder.

6.3. Supportive Behaviors

Offering food or drink, giving a specially designed thank-you card, giving an expressive gift, providing assistance, showing empathy, and participating in activities that build closer relationships.

According to Dr. Gottman's research, close, healthy relationships continuously support one another throughout the day in simple yet sophisticated ways.

Relationships can be improved by a variety of expressions and actions, such as "I care about you," "I want to stay connected," and "Your presence gives my life meaning." Constant and reliable support is essential to establishing and preserving intimate personal relationships; it's the vitamin of love.