How Do You Calm Your Pent-up Anger?

Or your kids might fight again, you lose your temper, you yell at them to stop, and immediately blame yourself for losing your temper. You don't know what to do with these feelings, So you end up just suppressing it by distracting yourself with something unhealthy you choose.

If this sounds familiar, don't worry; you're not the only one. We sometimes have strong emotional reactions that we struggle with - and that's just part of being human - but, for some people, the inability to control emotions in healthy, effective ways can be problematic, and this can have a lot of negative consequences.

In the right amount, emotions serve a useful purpose. They provide us with information, influence our decisions, and force us to act. For example, if you feel scared when you're walking alone at night and hear footsteps nearby, your brain automatically prepares you to get ready to run in case of danger. Or if you are being treated unfairly, anger will motivate you to make changes so that people treat you more fairly.

However, the feelings can be painful and upsetting. When it arises, we try to control it and deal with it. This process is known as emotion regulation, which may involve redirecting our attention away from whatever is causing us distress, changing our thoughts about the situation, or changing our behavior in the situation. Emotion regulation doesn't (and shouldn't) make our feelings go away completely, but it does help us calm them down so they can be more controlled.

Trouble arises when emotions become overwhelming and we cannot regulate them in healthy and effective ways; This is known as "affective disorder". Everyone gets stuck sometimes, especially when we're dealing with exceptional circumstances like a pandemic, natural disaster, or the death of a loved one. But when emotions are regularly imbalanced, even when faced with minor stressors, it can wreak havoc.

It is difficult for a person to live their life, and it is a factor in many mental health issues, including mood and anxiety disorders. Disorganization also contributes to suicide and self-harm and leads to self-destructive behaviors such as substance abuse, disordered eating, or other means of avoiding painful feelings and thoughts.

Most people learn how to regulate their emotions while growing up. But for some of them, the method they adopt is unhealthy or unhelpful. One theory as to why this happens is the biosocial theory, from a treatment called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).

According to this theory, some people are born with a higher level of emotional sensitivity; They have stronger emotional reactions to things, take longer to get over those intense feelings, and generally deal with a higher level of emotional pain (for example, they feel more anger, sadness, shame, or anxiety).

While this emotional sensitivity (the "biological" part of the theory) is common and not a problem in and of itself, when we combine this with a problematic environment (eg, the "social" part), things can get tricky.

Especially; Some children grow up in an environment where they experience apprehension disorder. They are constantly getting the message that something is wrong with them, and they are being punished for the feelings, thoughts, and physical sensations they are experiencing - or those experiences are being ignored - When a highly sensitive child is raised in an environment where they are not always valued, they may experience dysregulation of emotions.

American psychologist Marsha Linehan created Dialectical Behavior Therapy to treat severe personality disorder. People diagnosed with this disorder suffer from severe and chronic emotional dysregulation and often engage in suicidal behavior and self-harm.

As such, dialectical behavior therapy focuses on teaching people the skills they need to control their emotions more effectively. Today, many therapists use a DBT-based treatment approach for many other mental health issues, including depression and anxiety disorders.

This guide is about using Dialectical Behavior Therapy skills to help you deal with and manage strong emotions. There are four sets of skills that are taught in dialectical behavior therapy: mindfulness; These are the skills that help people live more in the present moment and bring an attitude of acceptance and openness to their experience.

Enduring hardship; These are the skills that help people get through times of crisis without making things worse. emotional self-regulation; These are skills that help people learn more about emotions and healthier ways to deal with them.

And the effectiveness of dealing with others; Skills that help people be more effective in their relationships, through things like assertive communication. In this guide, we will focus primarily on the first three skills.

Although we can't go into all the skills here, we want to provide you with some ideas from several models that will help you regulate your emotions more effectively, in the short and long term.

What should you do?

When emotions are intense, it is often difficult to think of what you can do to help yourself; So the first thing you need to work on is reorganizing as quickly as possible. Here are some fast-acting skills that change your body chemistry. It would be very helpful to try these things first before you are in an emotional situation so that you know how to use them.

1. Bend forward

Bend over as if trying to touch your toes (it doesn't matter if you can actually touch your toes. You can also do this while sitting if you need to, by resting your head between your knees).

Take deep, slow breaths, and hold this position for a while (30 to 60 seconds if you can). Bending forward activates our autonomic nervous system; This helps us slow down and feel a little calmer. And when you're ready to stand up again, don't do it too quickly, you don't want to fall.

2. Focus on your exhalation through “rapid breathing”

It may sound cliche, but actually breathing is one of the best ways to bring your emotions to a more manageable level. In particular; Focus on making the exhale longer than the inhale. This also activates the autonomic nervous system, helping us to feel a little calmer and bringing these feelings back to a more manageable level.

When you inhale, count in your head to see how long the inhale will take, and as you exhale, count at the same pace, making sure that the exhale is slightly longer than the inhale. For example, if you get to the number 4 when you inhale, make sure you exhale at least at 5.

These reorganization techniques will help you think more clearly for a few minutes, but your emotions will flare up again if nothing changes in your surroundings. Therefore, the following steps are also required.

Increase awareness of your emotions

In order to manage your emotions more effectively in the long term, you need to be aware of your emotions and all of their components. And you need to learn to accurately name your emotions. This may sound strange - of course you know how it feels, right? But how do you know if what you always call "anger" is actually anger rather than anxiety? Most of us never think about our emotions much, but just assume that what we think we feel is actually how we feel, just as we assume that the color we always call "blue" is actually blue, but how do we really know?

Sensitive people who grow up in a troubled environment often learn to ignore or distrust their emotional experiences, and they try to avoid or escape from those experiences. This leads to difficulties in naming emotions accurately. Of course, someone who struggles with emotion regulation can have a hard time knowing what they are feeling and thus live in an emotional "fog". When you feel "sad," "bad," or "tired," can you identify what you're really feeling? If you are experiencing this, think about each of the following questions the next time you feel even slightly:

1. What is the event causing or stimulating the feeling? And what was your reaction? (Don't judge whether your response is right or wrong, just describe what happened.)
2. What are your thoughts on the situation? How did you explain what was happening? Have you noticed yourself judging, jumping to conclusions, or making assumptions?
3. What did you notice in your body? For example, tightness or cramping in certain areas? Or changes in your breathing, heart rate, or temperature?
4. How was your body position? Describe your body language, posture, and facial expressions. 
5. What cravings did you feel? Did I want to scream or throw things? Was there a desire not to make eye contact, to avoid or escape the situation I was in?
6. What were your actions? Did you act on any of the urgency I mentioned above? Did you do something else instead?

Doing this exercise will help you increase your ability to accurately label your emotions. Once you've asked yourself the aforementioned questions, you can ask yourself if your emotions fit into one of these four (almost consistent) categories: angry, sad, happy, and afraid.

Use these terms with clients as a useful starting point for differentiating basic emotions, but you can gradually work on becoming more specific. Lists of emotions can also be useful.

You may be wondering why this is important. As American psychiatrist Dan Siegel said, "If you can't name it, you can't control it." Once you can identify your emotions, you'll be better able to choose what to do about them, starting with validating what you're feeling, which is the next skill we'll look at below.

Validate your emotions

When we judge ourselves for how we feel, we often create more emotional pain for ourselves. Let's look at the example of yelling at your children: you are frustrated with the children because they fight, but then you remind yourself that they have a lot to do too - maybe they're nervous about homework, or they argued with their friends - and you start to judge yourself as a "bad parent".

Now, not only are you still feeling frustrated with your children, but you may also feel guilt, shame, and anger with yourself. This is how the emotions we are experiencing can be heightened.

The important thing to remember is that emotions are not good or bad, right or wrong; They are just emotions. Whatever we feel is what we ought to feel, given the circumstances. What can be right or wrong is, of course, our perceptions and interpretations of what is happening.

Take a moment to reflect on your own experience with emotions: Do you have feelings that you think you "shouldn't" be? Make sure you don't confuse emotions with behaviors.

By the way: feeling angry (emotion), for example, is very different from yelling when angry (behavior). Once you've identified the emotions you judge yourself for feeling, see if you can relate them to the messages you've received about those emotions: where did you learn that "it's not OK to feel sad," for example?

Then, take some time to reflect on how you value yourself, rather than continuing to judge yourself for that feeling. Appreciation does not mean that you like how you feel, or that you want it to continue; It just means that you accept how you feel. Write some statements to help you validate your emotions, such as the following:

1. I feel angry.
2. It's okay to feel angry now.
3. It makes sense to be angry now; Because (write the reason here).
4. It makes sense that I would be quick to anger; Because of the environment in which I was raised.

Then practice checking it again and again. Self-talk is often difficult to change; Because it is automatic and deeply ingrained in us; So write down your verification data or put it in your phone so it's always with you. When you notice emotions arising within you, pull them out and read them to yourself. Read it once or twice daily, and with time, you will notice a shift in the way you think about that feeling; You will find that you are more accepting of your emotions and less judgmental of yourself for feeling this way.

Reducing emotional intensity by “acting backwards”:

Once you have become calmer, and have discovered and validated the emotions you are feeling, the next step is to decide if you want to do something to reduce them. You might be thinking, “If it's uncomfortable, of course, I want to reduce it.” But remember, emotions come for a reason, and it's important to make sure we're listening to what you're telling us. Sometimes, however, emotion gets its message across, then stays intense and gets in our way; This inhibits our ability to act effectively.

Imagine that you are feeling angry at someone. Anger has delivered its message, and you want to try to connect with that emotion to make the situation better, but you're still too angry to have a productive conversation. This is when you want to reduce your anger.

Anxiety is also a good example here. Suppose you are worried about being in a group of people. You logically know that there is actually nothing threatening your safety in the situation, and you see that anxiety is holding you back from going out and doing things with other people, but you still cannot reduce the anxiety. These are examples of times you can try to act against that feeling.

With this skill, once you validate the emotions you feel, confirm the facts. Are these emotions justified in the situation you are facing? For example, we should feel fear when our health, safety, or welfare (or the health of someone we care about) is in danger. This will take some practice.

By the way, you might want to do some reading about when all the emotions you are experiencing are justified. If the emotions do not fit the facts, or if they are but you still want to reduce their intensity, you must identify the cravings associated with that feeling - what action is the feeling urging you to take? Then do the opposite.

In dialectical behavior therapy, there is a saying that: "Emotions love themselves." They tend to make us act in ways that make them last, or make them stronger; So the idea of this skill is to break the cycle: by doing the opposite of what an emotion tells us, we can reduce the intensity of that emotion. Here are some examples of what this might look like with some of the other emotions:

1. Anger

You feel angry with your partner after a fight, and you have an impulse to say some hurtful things. Doing the opposite may mean gently avoiding your partner for a while. If they're sitting in the living room watching TV, maybe you'll go to your bedroom to read. Or it could mean that you've decided to treat your partner in a civil and respectful manner and focus on not making things worse, instead of behaving appropriately towards them.

Of course, if you decide to walk away and then find yourself sitting in the bedroom continuing to think about the situation and making judgments about your partner, this will keep your anger going. In this case, you can try to act against your thoughts as well (for example, think kindly of your partner).

2. Sadness/depression

If you are in a bad mood or feeling depressed, the motive is often to do things like to isolate yourself and stop doing the activities you normally do, and then the opposite action is to reach out to others and carry on with your activities (or back to them), and making sure you do things for yourself that usually feel good, interesting, enjoyable, calming, etc.

Sometimes acting against your emotions will have fairly immediate effects, but other times, it will be a gradual process, and it will take some consistent practice before you notice a shift in your emotions.

 

Like all Dialectical Behavior Therapy skills. Of course, the countermeasure is not about suppressing emotions or merely getting rid of them; Remember, they all have a purpose. But if emotions have delivered their message, and are now getting in your way, you can work to reduce your emotions with this skill.