Note: This article is from blogger Tracy Kennedy, who shares her personal experience helping people change for the better.
Although research has long indicated that our personalities are generally stable, it is nonetheless clear that we can and do occasionally change certain aspects of them.
Personality can be defined as a "combination of traits or characteristics that make up an individual's distinct character," and you can probably think of a few traits or characteristics that have followed you around your entire life.
For instance, I've always been an optimistic and adventurous person, and I still am. I enjoy challenges, and I do well in unforeseen situations and surroundings. These traits were apparent when I travelled to New Zealand on my own at the age of 16 when I was climbing a 60-foot tree in the backyard at the age of six, and when I dropped college at the age of 21 to relocate to Australia. I tend to avoid things that appear normal or predictable, and I always seek out new and different experiences. These traits have been a part of my personality and are probably here to stay. I moved from Los Angeles to Hawaii amidst the global COVID-19 outbreak and am writing this post from there.
Most likely, there are some qualities that you have carried with you throughout your entire life. You might be rational, practical, equitable, well-organized, optimistic, open-minded, supportive, introspective, disciplined, cautious, friendly, driven, or sensitive.
I have trained, consulted, and worked with individuals for twenty years, and I have discovered that those qualities are unquestionable. Ultimately, every one of us is born with certain tendencies and traits. As we mature and change as people, we acquire the ability to develop and modify certain aspects of our personalities and behaviours.
So, the short answer to this question is that, yes, we can change some aspects of our personalities.
some things to think about first
1. Know Yourself
From Aristotle to Socrates and Pythagoras, numerous ancient thinkers espoused the virtues of self-awareness, stressing that knowing oneself well is a crucial first step towards making changes.
Through introspection and contemplation, you can better understand who you are. Assessment is one of the many excellent descriptive tools available—my personal favourite is the Enneagram—and a terrific approach to increasing self-awareness and discovering more about your personality and self.
2. Be Honest with Yourself
Shakespeare is credited with saying, "To thine own self be true."
We constantly read books about how to do things, take courses on how we're supposed to behave, and follow models of what others do, all for one purpose: to change ourselves for the better.
We often wish to modify who we are for hundreds of reasons, many of which concern pleasing others. We also often exhibit different aspects of our personalities or withhold certain aspects of our feelings depending on the circumstances we find ourselves in.
You will, however, resemble a ship being blown wherever the wind pleases if the change persists to meet the demands and expectations of others. I've dealt with many folks who tried to reinvent themselves to fit in with their families, peers, and society, only to end up losing all sense of who they were.
When Palliative Care Nurse Bronnie Ware asked her patients about their most common regrets or what they would have done differently, they would first say, "I wish I dared to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me." That being said, Ware worked with hundreds of such patients in the final weeks of their lives.
That said, if you want to change your personality, think about it and be careful enough because you're unique. Maybe your personality needs to change, not your job, circumstances, surroundings, or relationships.
3. Set Yourself Up for Success
The following factors must be taken into account before initiating any kind of change:
3.1. Understanding the Reasons Behind Your Desire for Change
A strong and well-defined motivation for wanting to change is necessary for long-lasting change, and it must originate from within you rather than from outside sources. You must understand why the change is necessary and believe in its benefits. If, on the other hand, you are trying to change your personality because you feel that everyone else thinks you should, but in your heart, you don't think it's necessary or important at all, your efforts will be in vain.
3.2. Being Specific About What You Wish to Change
You might want to be a better person, but get clear and specific about what that means. What do you think this change looks like? Which would you prefer—a happier, more upbeat, or more disciplined life? Maybe you try to be less selfish, kinder, or more considerate. Maybe you would prefer to be less formal, outgoing, and friendly in social situations. Be explicit; otherwise, how will you know what needs to change and how to make it happen?
3.3. Taking Necessary Action Towards the Change You Desire
It takes more than just thinking to bring about change. Real change takes committed time and effort, particularly when it comes to breaking deeply rooted habits. Starting over and displaying the behaviours you wish to showcase is not easy.
You need to develop a habit, and that takes time. The research concluded that building a new habit can take 18–254 days on average, and it takes an average of 66 days for the new behaviour to become automatic. A follow-up study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology examined personality changes over 15 weeks, emphasising the value of focused, targeted challenges and activities reinforcing the behaviour you're attempting to modify.
It can take more than just wanting change to bring about growth and transformation; people may also need to execute successful behaviours to change. Nevertheless, certain personality traits are more flexible than others.
Onion Skin Model
This model has long been used to show how our personalities, actions, and behaviours are influenced by our deep-seated drives and instincts, as opposed to what is seen on the outside. In this model, personal identity represents deep-seated motivations, which is the descriptive tool I mentioned earlier.
In this approach, the descriptive tool I mentioned before, personal identity, stands for underlying motivations. The change becomes easier the closer you go to the outer layers, and the more difficult the deeper you go. Now, let's examine a few of these layers.
There are two main sections, as illustrated in the graphic below (Personal Behavior—What Others See):
- Innate qualities: This includes the layer of personal identity and intelligence quotient.
- Acquired traits: This consists of multiple levels, including:
- Beliefs and values.
- Life experiences.
- Education and Training.
- Passion, interests, and acquired skills.
- Self-esteem and self-confidence.
- Behavior.
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ترجمة محتويات الصورة |
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Personal Behavior—What Others See |
إجراءات السلوك الشخصي (ما يراه الآخرون) |
|
Innate Qualities |
الصفات الفطرية |
|
Acquired Traits |
الصفات المكتسبة |
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ID |
الهوية الشخصية |
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Intelligence Quotient |
معدل الذكاء |
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Beliefs And Values |
طبقة المعتقدات والقيم |
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Life Experiences |
طبقة الخبرات الحياتية |
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Education And Training |
طبقة التعليم والتدريب |
|
Passion, Interests, And Acquired Skills |
طبقة الشغف والاهتمامات والمهارات المكتسبة |
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Self-Esteem And Self-Confidence |
طبقة تقدير الذات والثقة بالنفس |
|
Behavior |
طبقة السلوك |
The Easiest Thing You Can Change Is Your Behavior
Studies on confirmation bias have consistently shown that we often find what we're looking for; if you're looking for good, you'll find it, and if you're looking for flaws, you'll find them. Therefore, shifting your perspective and adopting a positive stance is the fastest way to alter your feelings and perspective on everything. Choose to be positive and hopeful rather than negative and afraid.
Since some people are born optimists and believers, you always have the power to make better choices and adjust how you behave, even if it might be ingrained in you to anticipate dangers or potential mistakes. Practising gratitude is one of the easiest ways to achieve this, but you can also alter your behaviour by making other mental changes right now.
Investing in Education, Training, and Skill Development
The best investment you can make is to invest in yourself. Choose the personal attribute you wish to improve, modify, or develop first, and then look at ways to make the desired change. There are plenty of podcasts, online courses, resources, and books on any topic you might want to change.
Do you wish to become more organised and aware? All you need to do is learn how to be more efficient or organised through time management courses or reading books, the most important of which is The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
Do you want to be better at interacting with others or more accepting of them? Enrol in an emotional intelligence (EQ) development course. And do you want to become more inquisitive or accepting of others? Look for stories about the lives of other people that differ from yours.
Building Self-Esteem and Confidence
While much of our confidence and self-esteem are ingrained in us due to our early experiences, we can also develop these traits. Taking action is one of the best approaches to boosting your self-esteem or confidence. When you feel lazy, sit down, ponder what you should do, think about the mistakes that could happen, and doubt yourself and your abilities, you will always feel insecure and fearful. Take action instead; it will motivate you to work harder and give you confidence and momentum.
Understanding Your Values and Beliefs
If you wish to change your personality, you must understand your values and beliefs. Your values are the tenets or concepts that are most important to you. Even though you might not always be conscious of them, these values greatly affect how you interact with the outside world and affect every choice you make. Your values are what they are, good or bad, right or wrong; it is important to be conscious of them since they influence every part of your life and how you interact with the world.
For instance, if you value relationships, you'll probably set aside time to spend with significant others and try to make them feel special. You might be highly diligent and get up at five a.m. daily to work out if you respect your health. Change is necessary if your desires and values do not enrich your personality.
For instance, I've worked with many highly successful entrepreneurs who want to spend more time with their families or take more vacations but find it challenging because they continue to prioritise their work. Why? Because they place a higher value on anything that surpasses what they're attempting to improve, such as success, money, ambition, power, or hard effort.
It's important to work hard and understand your beliefs so that you can either reassess them if they're not genuinely helping you or become more in line with them. Finding your values can be done in several ways, such as by keeping a diary, consulting a life coach, or making value cards.
On the flip side, beliefs are accurate assertions about the world or opinions about something that reflect the state of affairs at the time. Your beliefs are the foundation of everything, and for many people, they are developed at a very young age, to the point that you may not even be aware of how deeply they bind to you or influence you.
Here's an example: Sam, a client, called me to boost his confidence. His boss at work told him he needed to be more confident, especially in board and executive team meetings, if he wished to advance up the corporate ladder. When we first started working together, we discovered that Sam thought being confident equated to being arrogant and conceited and that being a high-level CEO required strictness—far from what he wanted to be in life. We also learned that he placed great importance on being kind and modest and that if he came across as overconfident, he may lose his focus and motivation to learn.
He altered his conduct as he realised his values, changed his beliefs, and learned new ways to be more confident without sacrificing credibility or humility. As a result, He received a promotion, but much more significantly, the leadership team began to regard him with greater confidence.
Phrases like "I'm not good enough," "I don't deserve good things," "Things never work out for me," and "I'm incapable of enjoying my work and getting good pay" are some prevalent limiting beliefs that I've observed in clients. If someone holds these core beliefs, how can they show themselves in the world?
Compare those beliefs to those of someone who tells herself things like, "I deserve this," "Everything happens for my benefit," "I believe in myself," "People do their best," and "Miracles are possible."
It might be hard to find your values, and it can be uncomfortable and difficult to question limiting beliefs. Therefore, doing this with a coach, therapist, or counsellor is best. But once you do, you'll notice that you can change your behaviours more quickly and change the way you interact with the world.
In Essence
Even if certain aspects of your personality could be ingrained and unchanging, you have the power to make changes. You are free to let go of traits that could negatively impact your relationships or quality of life. You can change your personality through clarity and a strong knowledge of why you want to change. You have the power to alter your personality with enough time and effort.
However, remember to be careful not to make changes because someone else told you to do so, and make sure that the changes you aim to make align with your identity, who you want to be, and how you want to present yourself to the world.
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