Narcissists use narcissistic avoidance, which is akin to arguing, as a coping mechanism when they find themselves in sticky situations. All narcissists employ avoidance strategies, including those who use negative coping mechanisms like controlling conversations or keeping quiet.
It can be difficult to persuade someone who is trying to avoid conflict because they will just keep blaming you and redirect the conversation back to you. This is their way of launching a counterattack and making you the villain, as their fragile ego cannot tolerate criticism or admit fault.
What Is Narcissism?
A person with enduring characteristics consistent with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is referred to as narcissistic. A person must consistently exhibit at least five of the nine traits listed by the American Psychiatric Association (APA) to be diagnosed with NPD. Among These traits include:
- Selfishness and seeking attention from others.
- Excessive need for admiration and approval.
- Feeling superior to others.
- Behaving as if they know everything (arrogance).
- Exaggerating their self-importance and achievements (grandiosity).
- Expecting special treatment and entitlement from others (self-entitlement).
- Ignoring others' emotions (lack of empathy).
- Manipulating and exploiting people close to them.
- Envy and jealousy of others or believing that others envy them.
Note: Exhibiting one or more of these traits does not always indicate that a person has NPD.
Narcissists Types
There are several types of narcissists, with the most common being overt or traditional narcissists and covert or vulnerable narcissists. Overt narcissists openly display narcissistic traits, while covert narcissists have a negative personality and can hide their narcissism long enough to manipulate and exploit others. The phrase “wearing a mask” primarily applies to the covert type, who typically reveals their harmful traits in relationships with close ones.
Additional basic categories of narcissists include:
1. Aggressive Narcissist
Seeks acceptance and satisfies their ego by creating chaos and provoking you.
2. Communal Narcissist
Gains acceptance by helping the community and receiving praise.
3. Malignant Narcissist
Lacks empathy entirely and is more inclined to manipulate and exploit people for personal gain.
What’s the Issue with Narcissistic Personality?
Inside a narcissist, there’s a deep and chronic sense of self-worthlessness. They adopt a false arrogant persona to conceal this underlying insecurity.
Overt narcissists exude high self-confidence, appearing superior to others. Conversely, covert or vulnerable narcissists exhibit modest and balanced self-confidence. However, deep down, they fear criticism and feedback. Even positive feedback hurts their false self-image. Also, they become defensive and often use defensive strategies like avoidance when your opinion of them conflicts with their self-image.
What Avoidance Style Do Narcissists Adopt?
It's a type of psychological manipulation known as "scapegoating," which is a narcissist's defensive mechanism to deflect attention from their negative behavior by blaming you or another person. This is a more common style used by covert narcissists than others.
Why Do Narcissists Avoid Confrontation?
Almost all narcissists use avoidance as a coping mechanism. They focus on someone else’s weaknesses, flaws, and shortcomings instead of accepting criticism or blame.
Narcissists behave this way to protect their distorted self-image. They believe they know everything, never make mistakes and are beyond reproach. Also, narcissists avoid dealing with the negative emotions that arise when someone discovers their flaws by denying their faults. Even though narcissists may know their mistakes, they resist defending themselves, making changes, or resolving conflicts.
Regardless of the reason for their avoidance, it negatively impacts their relationships and the mental health of those affected by this harmful behavior.
The Importance of Recognizing Narcissistic Avoidance
Dealing with narcissists can be challenging because of their unhealthy behaviors. Their avoidance strategy undermines relationship trust and causes emotional upheaval and frustration. Most importantly, narcissistic avoidance causes emotional harm. Understanding this avoidance pattern has several advantages:
1. Understanding Derailment in Discussions
Recognizing when discussions veer off track is crucial when interacting with a narcissist. It’s nearly impossible to have a productive conversation without it devolving into an argument about who made the initial mistake.
2. Identifying Problem-Solving Challenges
Learning to overcome this obstacle helps you navigate interactions with narcissists more effectively.
3. Preserving Your Mental Well-Being
Knowing the avoidance pattern reduces frustration, anger, guilt, and shame. So, you can approach situations more confidently now that you know the issue's root.
4. Maintaining Self-Respect
After every discussion, you'll gradually comprehend why you don't feel comfortable. You won’t second-guess your thoughts, feelings, or interactions with the narcissist.
The easiest way to identify a narcissist’s avoidance style is to view it as a defensive and evasive strategy. Narcissists frequently cause emotional harm to the other person, even though they use this strategy to protect themselves.
9 Strategies Used by Narcissists to Avoid Arguments
1. Denial
Narcissists employ denial as a strategy to avoid taking accountability for their deeds or confronting certain truths. By denying, narcissists avoid dealing with the negative emotions that arise when someone discovers their flaws.
Tip: Focus on facts and reiterate them if necessary to convince them of their responsibility. Use evidence like emails or text messages to hold them accountable.
2. Blaming Others
Narcissists’ pride is hurt when others discover their flaws. Therefore, they absolve themselves of any sense of threat, attack, or harm by blaming others. Also, they avoid taking responsibility for their actions.
Tip: Stay calm and inform them that you won’t accept blame for something you didn’t do. Use evidence to hold them accountable.
3. Sarcasm
Narcissists turn to insulting you or downplaying your value when they are unable to avoid the conversation. They use this as a defensive counterattack to criticize and frustrate you. For example, they might say something like, “You're stupid” or “You're not in a position to discuss me in this.”
Tip: Keep your composure to avoid further provocation. Refrain from engaging in insults, and let them know their current approach isn’t helping solve the problem.
4. Deflection
Narcissists use deflection to avoid addressing a problem or answering a question. They give vague or general answers lacking crucial details, leaving the issue unresolved.
Tip: Refocus on the core problem and ask for a direct answer to the question or a solution. While it may be tempting to say, “Answer my question directly,” be aware that this might intensify their defensive response.
5. Conversation Redirection
Narcissists use this strategy to avoid confronting their mistakes by introducing irrelevant details into the discussion. If you catch them doing this, they might interrupt you to divert your focus.
Tip: Immediately remind the narcissist of the topic you want to focus on. Ask them not to interrupt you, saying, “I understand your point. Is my understanding correct?”
This helps guide them back on track.
6. Changing Topic
Narcissists occasionally change the subject to avoid awkward situations or uncomfortable discussions. They choose an opportune moment, often during a direct discussion, right after you’ve asked about their negative behavior.
The narcissist might interrupt you and divert your attention from the current topic, saying, “I don’t mean to interrupt, but did you take my car keys?”
Tip: Answer their question and immediately return to the original topic. If they interrupt you again, tell them you're willing to discuss other topics after the current problem is resolved.
7. Guilt Loading
A narcissist might say, “I can’t believe you bring this up after everything I’ve done for you. You don’t care about me.”
They aim to make you feel guilty and ashamed rather than focusing on their own mistakes. They may even make you doubt your intentions, giving them a chance to escape accountability.
Tip: Thank them again for their help, and then inform them that you won’t allow them to use their favors as an excuse for mistreatment or evading accountability.
8. Past Invoking
Reminding you of your past mistakes is a classic avoidance strategy used by narcissists. It's like putting their defects on you. Usually, they’ll point out something similar you’ve done.
They’ll manipulate details to prove that you committed the same mistake if they can’t find a specific one you’ve made in the past. In this case, it’s not just blame; they also condemn you.
Tip: Acknowledge your mistake and remind them that you’ve apologized (if you have). Then say, “Let's go back to what you did (or said) now,” stressing that invoking the past won’t protect them from the consequences of their actions.
9. Third-Party Involvement in Conflict
Narcissists may involve a third party in the conflict when other defense strategies fail. This diverts your attention away from them and toward the third party. They might say, “X doesn’t treat me this way,” usually referring to someone you don’t like.
Tip: Take advantage of the third party's absence and say, “Let’s call them and get to the truth.” Be sure that the narcissist won’t actually contact anyone to avoid further exposure.
In Conclusion
The avoidance tactic employed by the narcissist is actually a skill to evade feeling criticized or inferior. Although they may be aware of their actions, they cannot change their behavior. In some cases, you may empathize with them. However, blaming you, making you feel guilty, denying facts, and attacking your character are forms of emotional harm.
Do not overlook these behaviors; understand that avoidance strategies are emotionally harmful. You should take steps to protect your emotional and mental health, set boundaries to protect your feelings, and sometimes ignoring the narcissist may be better for you than trying to make them take responsibility for their behavior.
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