10 Proven Tips to Stop Pleasing Others

Note: This article is by Vanessa Van Edwards, who shares her personal experience recovering from people-pleasing addiction.

It's time to have your own opinion, set your limits, and stop pleasing others. Doing so will determine the quality of your life since the only person you have to please is YOU.

Definition of the people-pleaser

People-pleaser tries relentlessly to make others happy and often go out of their way to please someone else, even if it is at the cost of their precious time and well-being. They often act this way because of their lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem.

According to Dr. Susan Newman, these people try desperately to make everyone around them happy, and they are willing whatever it takes to achieve this. For example, they may be obsessed with perfectionism. You find them rehearsing what to say before making a phone call, doing their hair neatly, and spending hours searching for the best smartphone in the market. Some people go down with everything out of habit, and others do so to feel important and appreciated by people around them.

11 proven tips to stop pleasing others

1. Think twice

As a people-pleaser, it may be so difficult for you to say no to someone else. When your friend asks you to accompany them to go shopping, for example, you agree on the spot. However, you may regret your decision later.

Suggested solution: Think thoroughly about their offer before accepting it.

It is crucial that you don't give an answer immediately. Try to buy some time to consider their offer. For instance, if someone asks you for something, your default answer would always be, "Give me some time to think about it."

You can use your schedule as an excuse, or you have to consult with your partner first. Say anything to buy some time so that you can politely decline their offer via email or text. As this is much easier than responding directly in person, and it also gives you enough time to think and make the right decision.

2. Take your time

Delay your response by just 50 to 100 milliseconds, and that tiny bit of time is all you need to make better decisions, according to a 2014 Columbia University study which may be the first scientific study to justify procrastination.

The study, entitled Humans Optimize Decision-Making by Delaying Decision Onset, stated that the human brain only needs 50 to 100 milliseconds to filter any important information and block out all distractions.

This piece of information is a treasure for people-pleasers. It gives them a little longer before making any commitment-related decisions. It is fine to experience some awkward silence, as silence is a natural part of any social interaction, and it even makes you appear more confident and powerful.

3. Learn how to refuse gradually

It is difficult for people-pleasers to say no outright. For this, they first have to find an easy way to refuse. Fortunately, Social media apps can do miracles when it comes to this. As entrepreneur Steve Jobs says, "When you say no, you allow yourself to focus on the important things."

You can practice saying no in simple situations, such as:

• When the waiter asks you if you want to order a drink with your meal.
• When a friend/relative wants to video call you every day.
• When receiving a party invitation from an old friend.
• When a moody friend invites you to dinner.
• When a salesman tries to sell you their products.

You don’t have to say no outright. You can offer alternatives. In other words, propose a solution that suits both parties:

• When the waiter asks you if you would like to order a drink with your meal, you may answer, “I'll take a glass of water for now."
• When receiving a party invitation from an old friend, say, "I'll try, but I might be a little late."
• When a moody friend invites you to dinner, say, "How about an afternoon walk?"
• When a salesman tries to sell you their products, say, " Will you give me your number so that I can contact you later?"
• When a friend/relative wants to video call you every day, say, "Isn't it better if we make it every two days?"

4. Never say "I can't"

The biggest mistake a people-pleaser makes is not the lack of rejection, but the way they do so.

• I can't attend the party.
• I can't participate in this project.
• I can't talk right now.

These answers allow the other party to ask you why you can't do so, and this will result in letting them compromise your limits.

Toxic people and fake friends like to push boundaries, as they might respond to you this way:

• Don't worry, the party will soon be over.
• The project is so easy, and I will help you with it if you want.
• It won't take much of your time.

One study found that saying, "I don't want to" instead of "I can't" allowed participants to evade unwanted commitments because "I don't want to" is more resonant than "I can't" and it repels toxic people faster.

The phrase "I don't want to" sets a clear limit, which makes you look more confident and clear. On the other hand, by saying "I can't," it looks like you're just making excuses, which will give others room to maneuver.

Try to say "I don't want to" instead of "I can't":

• I don't want to attend the party.
• I don’t want to participate in this project.
• I don’t want to talk right now.

5. Change your perspective

It's time to bring up an embarrassing situation.

Think of a time when you tried to be funny, and no one laughed, or a time when you tried to be serious, but no one took you seriously.

Have you felt embarrassed, anxious, or stressed?

You can change your perspective at this moment.

According to the American Psychological Association, a study was conducted in which 269 adults and 125 undergraduate students narrate some stories about events that affected their lives and then classified these stories into two different categories. The first one included stories in which the sequence of events began tragically and ended with good results. However, the second one included stories where the action sequence had a good start, but ended with tragic results.

The bottom line is researchers found that people in the first category were happier than those in the second one. This means that they have changed their perspective after reconsidering the situation.

Remember that moment, think about the people around you at the time, and ask yourself:

• How do they felt?
• Did they laugh or gained value?
• Do they really care?

For now, consider this from an external perspective. Having embarrassing memories of trying desperately to please people is fine.

Here's an example

I regularly attend a class at the local gym. One day during the class, the trainer decided that we should warm up by running before the class. I've always hated running. I was overweight in childhood and adolescence, and I remember experiencing terrible social anxiety and hyperventilation at my weekly treadmill class.

I should have said, "No, thanks," but instead, as a woman still in recovery from my people-pleasing addiction, I waited my turn to get on the treadmill. However, during this, I had all kinds of negative thoughts, my anxiety triggered my self-loathing, and I told myself, "I can regularly run a long distance now; however, the whole situation has triggered painful memories for me.

Now it was my turn, and as soon as a minute passed, I began to panic. I got off the treadmill. However, while trying to encourage me, my coach pressed the rev button. Although I was terrified, I refused to give up.

I burst out crying as soon I finished my turn, and my coach was so confused; as I was exhausted, I muttered, "I hate this so much", and ran to the bathroom.

The three major points of this story are

• I should have said no, but I didn’t because of an old incident related to running. In primary school, we had to run for 1 kilometer, and I tried several times to evade this exercise. However, it was compulsory. But as a grown-up, I could have easily refused to do so, but I didn’t because I didn’t come to terms with my past experience which lead to it interfering with my current experience.
• As soon as we finished that exercise, and after I calmed down, I began to change my perspective about running, and I asked my friend to help me overcome that obstacle by running together for like 1 kilometer.
• The coach was just doing her job, and in fact, after I calmed down, I realized that I had yelled at her, which made me so embarrassed. However, if I had refused to run in the first place, I wouldn't have uttered those hurtful words. I spent several weeks agonizing over what I had done, thinking about apologizing to her, and in the end, I pulled myself together and decided to apologize.

What happened next shocked me. I called her to apologize for my attitude. However, she didn't even remember what happened that day. Not only that didn’t even remember my name! Is that possible? She didn't remember the whole incident, while my guilt was consuming me whole. For this, I have changed my perspective.

When trying to change your perspective on something, try to be realistic and truthful while considering the emotional side and focusing on growth that you realize when it's too late. Did you get the lesson? Was it meaningful? Do you think that you add value to others? How did this experience change you for the better?

When you learn how to change your perspective on something, self-fulfillment will replace your desire to please others.

6. Define your goals

It's much easier to say no when you know what to accept in your life. In other words, it's easier to prioritize your main goals when they are clearly defined.

Personally speaking, I reassess my long and short-term goals weekly. Just so I can know what to do to get where I want to be in 5 years.

With this in mind, it is easy for me to say no because I am so busy achieving my goals. For example, last year I did a lot of podcasts, and although they were very interesting, they were exhausting as well. For this, I was unable to say no. I enjoyed working with all the businessmen I interviewed on podcasts, and wanted to support them, but I couldn't. So, in the end, I decided to help them and took the time to do so, and then started other projects.

Guess what I noticed?

I was able to say no much easier, as I no longer had enough room for new things in my schedule.

Try to answer these questions:

• What are your goals for the next 5 years?
• What steps did you take to achieve this?
• How do you want to invest in your time?
• What to accept?

Answering these questions will make it easier for you to focus on yourself.

7. Get rid of toxic people

While reading this article, did a certain person cross your mind? Someone who constantly asks you for things to set you up? Someone who wastes your time and drains your energy?

Don't worry, you're not alone in this. We've all been through this, and toxic people won't stop intruding into our lives leaving behind massive damage unless you know how to stop them.

8. Stop apologizing

You've probably said sorry at least a few times in the past week. A Coca-Cola survey of 2,000 people from London found that people say sorry on average 7 times a day. That's about 200,000 times in their lifetime or a total of 56 hours in which they say "sorry."

Next time you say no to someone, say it firmly. Don't apologize because you're prioritizing. Don't feel bad because you have to take care of something, which are YOU. Keep in mind that if you don't stand up for yourself, no one will, and I know you can. It's time to stop people-pleasing and start doing what works for you.

Do you know that there is an extension on Chrome called "Just No Sorry"? Every time you write emails using phrases like "I'm just" or "I think" or "I'm no expert," you'll get a little warning to change your tone. Try this extension if your emails are full of apologizing.

9. Apologize more gently

We all make mistakes, and we have to admit them. However, did you know that even apologizing has its nice and brusque sides? After learning how to say no without being sorry, learn how to apologize nicely. But first, here's a quick quiz. Which of the following do you think is a "brusque" way to apologize?

1. “I will never do that again.”
2. “I feel ashamed of myself.”
3. "It was complicated."

If you answered (3), you are correct.

Saying, “Sorry, it was complicated” to improve a bad situation is an evasive apology. One study analyzed 183 apologies from celebrities and found that apologies that contained the denials “It wasn't my fault” and the evasive “It was complicated” is the worst. On the other hand, apologies that seemed to have corrective action such as, "I won't do that again" were more appropriate.

Do you really feel sorry?

Consider this challenge. Write an apology that contains corrective action or shows humility, and keep it in your subconscious mind for the next time you want to apologize. But what if the situation doesn't require such a touching apology? This method will make you consider whether the situation is worth your apology.

10. Unleash your self-affirmations

Let's go back a bit to my treadmill story. The hardest part about reliving old stories is that they demoralize you.

Talking about that incident triggered my painful memories of fifth grade when I felt like an unwanted, fat, clumsy child, as it's hard to say no when you have low self-esteem or a poor sense of self.

Most people-pleasers will act just like me, as we're desperate for the approval and validation of others. One study found that we can tell if someone is an approval-seeker simply by scanning their brain.

• The researchers gathered 28 volunteers and asked them to make a list of 20 songs they liked but never had a copy of it.
• Then, they were asked to rate them on a scale of 1 to 10 based on how much they would like to have them.
• Later on, two professional musicians reviewed the songs they chose.

Here's the catch:

When the two experts' opinions matched the participants' opinions, the part of the brain associated with reward became more active, and the more the experts endorsed the participants' choices, the more the participants' brains activated. Some people have a tendency to please people, but herein lies the big problem: relying on the approval of others means that your self-confidence is based only on external factors.

I want you to depend on internal, not external, approval. The best way to stop people-pleasing is to do what makes you feel good. In other words, if you can satisfy yourself, then you won't care what people say.

• Do activities that make you feel fulfilled and accomplished.
• Hang out with people who make you feel awesome for being you.
• Never feel guilty about being happy.

11. Be unique

Imagine you are at a party, what food do they always bring? Most like pizza. However, you can't please everyone, you're not pizza. Pizza is delicious, and there's nothing wrong with having a slice or two. But the problem is that pizza is the default choice, as it is present at almost every social occasion. So, it doesn't surprise anyone, and people underestimate it (it's just pizza after all). Now imagine, if you're at a party, and a guest serves you a grilled fish dish, now that's something special, don't be boring, and don't let people predict your behavior. Surprise them with your actions, and just be special.