Why Can't Some People Say “Sorry”?

Note: This article is based on the work of psychologist Nancy Collier, in which she tells us about her experience with people who cannot apologize.

I've also spent a lot of time wondering why some people refuse to apologize even after knowing that they hurt you, even when it’s a minor offense that doesn't require much responsibility.

Recently, a friend of mine refused to apologize after losing something she borrowed from me. Even though I didn't really want that item anymore, her apology would have quickly resolved the issue. She appeared to be unable to apologize, and I used to be so angry and demand an apology for something I didn't really care about before I developed my present perspective on things.

Psychology of apologies

Essentially, an apology is an expression of regret or remorse for actions. However, some people can't admit that they were wrong, even when they low-key feel bad about their actions and know deeply that they're wrong. However, this same person may feel remorse, but even this won't allow them to apologize.

Being able to admit our wrongs requires a certain level of self-respect or self-strength. It can be challenging for people with low self-esteem to apologize because even the smallest error can make them feel completely unworthy. Furthermore, those who lack self-respect cannot understand that even good people make mistakes.

For them, apologizing is a frank admission of fallibility, which affirms their incompetence and the shame they bear. This threatens the fragile image they have formed of themselves. For someone with low self-esteem, admitting a mistake can be devastating.

Another type is the one who was scolded a lot as a child. These people frequently take one of two paths as adults. They either never apologize or they constantly apologize—even for things they didn't do.

People who don't apologize have decided—consciously or not—that they will never accept blame of any kind and have eliminated any room for doing this kind of thing. For them, an apology gets them in touch with their childhood feelings of always being guilty or scolded. Psychologically speaking, they are incapable of taking responsibility anymore.

The third type is people who refuse to apologize because they lack empathy, don't really feel sorry for unintentionally hurting your feelings, and believe that an apology suits situations in which they intentionally hurt you.

There are many reasons why people fail to apologize for their mistakes. Being able to apologize means being able to be vulnerable, which for some people is terrifying and overwhelming.

Apologizing also entails acknowledging that I care about your feelings and that you have been hurt. In other words, I care enough about you to put my pride aside, understand your point of view, and admit my imperfections.

The importance of a sincere apology

A sincere apology is a priceless gift. It makes us feel heard, accepted, understood, and valued, and almost any issue can be resolved with a heartfelt apology. Sincere apologies help us feel valued by others and that they are responsible for their actions, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

When this happens, we feel relieved; we don’t have to fight anymore to prove the validity of our feelings, which is crucial. I was recently nervous to tell a friend of mine about something she was doing, which made me reconsider our friendship. I felt overwhelmed since I've been in a lot of relationships with people who never apologize, but this friendship is important to me, and I couldn't let it go.

I wanted to express what was troubling me, and I had to tell her the truth kindly. This may fix the issue. However, The subsequent event was touching. She carefully listened as I described her hurtful actions toward me, and then she did something wonderful. She apologized! Even though she unintentionally did so. She continued saying heartwarming things, but she didn’t need to because I got what I needed when she apologized, and it wasn’t making someone who never apologizes say “sorry.”

I've personally failed at that task. On the other hand, I've improved at accepting the things I can't change and putting less energy into seeking an apology from someone who fails to acknowledge their faults.

The more I realize that I'm dealing with someone who fails to apologize, the less I rely on it to determine the truth. When someone else is hurt, our bodies need an apology in order to relax, move on, and let go of the pain. However, when we can't get what we aspire to, we have to learn how to calm ourselves down without waiting for any apologies.

Knowing that we deserve this sympathy and that we are right is the beginning of our healing process. Consider the huge impact of a simple and sincere “sorry,” and when you're lucky enough to receive a genuine one, accept it and appreciate this priceless gift.

However, when you have the opportunity to sincerely apologize, let others enjoy this experience. Be bold, step out of your comfort zone, and respect the depth of the gift you are giving. Saying “sorry” and “thank you” are two sides of the same coin.