Note: This article is based on an interview with authors Liz Fosslien and Mollie West Duffy, authors of "No Hard Feelings: The Secret Power of Emotions at Work," in which they offer advice on controlling emotions in the workplace.
Many workplaces have so many unspoken rules that they can feel like emotional minefields, but how much emotion can we express before we are considered unprofessional? And what if we're inherently confused and anxious? Should we be open about these feelings? And how might our identity - for example, our gender, race, or age - influence the answers to these questions?
Our goal is to help you know how you feel, why, and what you do about those feelings at work. For introverts, it often means finding the right balance between respecting your need to spend time alone and pushing yourself to participate in important work-related social events. Regardless of your position or job, we examine specific issues that introverts frequently encounter in the workplace and provide advice that you can use.
What inspired you to write this book?
We were certainly inspired by our shared experience as introverts in extroverted workplaces.
Liz: Like most introverts, I do my best work when it is quiet or when I am alone, and one of my favorite quotes is by the late Maurice Sendak, author of Where the Wild Things Are: “People talk on their devices all the time, you see them tweeting and socializing, but I am looking for peace and quiet.”
However, I often have to work in noisy and open offices, but going out for a quick walk or listening to white noise may help. Still, I found that the best thing that companies with open offices can do is allocate a meeting room to work in quietly, as this quiet room is not allowed to talk or answer phone calls, but only to work in silence, as this room is a blessing for introverts.
Molly: I travel a lot, which means there are days when I am with my colleagues when I leave my hotel room in the morning to return to it at night. I found that the best solution is to try to book a few hours at the end of each day to get away from the group, and during recess, I walk alone for 5 minutes around the building. If you do not have breaks, talk to your manager about scheduling them, or if you are a manager, allocate those periods to yourself.
How did you meet? What prompted you to co-author the book?
Liz: We ran into each other at a meeting with a group of friends, and in late 2013, I asked my friends to introduce me to their best friends in New York, and Molly was one of them.
There was a bond that brought us together and a lot in common. We are introverts and care about our sleeping habits; we both have very extroverted partners and when we got closer, we also realized that each of us had periods of work stress to the extent that it negatively affected her health - I began to suffer from migraines and numb part of Molly's face - and that we are equally interested in better understanding our feelings.
We combined our separate research on emotions into a photo essay titled “6 Illustrations That Show What It is Like in an Introvert's Head, ” where two things happened: First, we had so much fun working together, and second, the essay went viral, and this process made us see our collaboration as more than just a fun side hobby; it was helpful and sustainable.
What are some of the most common workplace problems introverts face?
Often, we are asked how to deal with massive and stressful social events. In our experience, the best way to feel more comfortable during a happy hour in the office or attending a party is to put a strategy to leave. When you do not have to stay, you may find that you probably want to wait.
We are not the only ones using this trick: Former Yahoo CEO Marissa Meyer applies it. In an interview with Vogue Magazine, she admitted she wants to hide at parties. Before arriving, Marissa promised herself to leave at a predetermined time. She says: "I will look at my watch and say: " I can't leave until the time comes, and if I'm still having a hard time by then, I can leave."
If you are an introverted leader, you must deal with many social situations. Since face-to-face meetings are usually a big part of your job and assure you can devote enough time to yourself, we encourage introverted leaders to be open about what they prefer.
Former Campbell Soup CEO Doug Conant explained to the people he worked with that he was an introvert. Jennifer Kahnweiler writes in The Introverted Leader that it helped her “get past all the little formal things people do when they start working together quickly.”
Do you have any workplace tips for managers who want to create better work environments for introverts?
Sure, here are three strategies you can suggest to your manager or team to make sure you and your introverted colleagues have the time and space to do a good job:
1. Set aside time for a break
Try to divide the day between time to collaborate and to rest. During break time, each team member gets explicit permission to find a quiet place at the office and work alone.
2. Hold meetings on foot
As Dr. Jennifer Kahnweiler explained in her book The Genius of Opposites, walking makes it easier for introverts to talk about their ideas, as they do not have to make eye contact constantly. When introverts speak or think about what they will say, they tend to look away from others to reduce visual stimuli.
3. Define rituals in meetings
Since the goal of most meetings is open communication, introverts need to find rituals that make them feel comfortable joining them. According to author Brad Stone, before each meeting at Amazon, Jeff Bezos asks employees to write six pages about things they want to discuss in detail. Bezos does this as an encouragement to think critically and gives introverts time to think before starting the discussion.
How can each of you regain your energy after a very social day?
We both get headaches if we spend much time in uninterrupted social communication. As author Shawna Courter wrote, "It starts with an actual physical reaction to excessive stimulation. You feel like your mind is stopping working, building barriers around itself as if you were driving on a wide-open road and suddenly entered into a narrow tunnel, and all you want is to be at home alone, where it is calm." The following is the treatment for this headache caused by frequent communication for each of us:
Liz: If I can, I return to my quiet white-walled apartment that offers almost no sensory stimulation, and for me, it's like paradise. If I'm traveling, I try to set aside a night or two to go out on my own, and I have a whole routine about it. I buy some snacks, and when I get back to my hotel, I immediately lift my hair, put on comfortable clothes, go to bed, and then read a book or watch TV for the rest of the night.
Molly: I go for a long walk if the weather is nice. In the first minutes, I walk in silence, such as practicing meditation while walking, then after a while, I may listen to music or a podcast while walking, and as soon as I go home or to my hotel room if I'm traveling, I lie on a couch or bed and watch TV.
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