Note: This article is from Vanessa Van Edwards' blog, where she talks about how to deal with annoying people.
I talked a while ago with a friend of mine about provocative people in her workplace. She told me about a coworker of hers who micromanages everything and challenges people who don't agree with her decisions. She is rambunctious, argumentative, and morale-killing, and she takes a long time in her meetings.
Provocative people cause a lot of stress in the workplace, and they waste people's time. They can make us furious or mistreat us.
My friend told me that one of her new co-workers confidently told her about his recent coping strategy. He simply watches the rude behavior of provocative people in meetings, then elaborates on the different ways people try to avoid them.
So how do we treat provocative people when their behavior is so disturbing?
Here are two ways to do that:
Pay attention to body language
You must be fully aware of body language. This is an instant, executable way to treat difficult people. What does our body say? What does their body say? Making a few small adjustments to the nonverbal way we communicate can make a big difference. Keep these techniques in mind when dealing with provocative people:
1. Open body language
Keep your torso open and your hands visible. Visible hands and an exposed torso help you build intimacy without speaking and show that you and the person you're talking to get along.
2. Confrontation
Confrontation is a body language technique that aims to turn your head, torso, and toes toward the person you're talking to. This shows respect without even using words to express it. It's like saying, "I'm paying attention to you." Everyone wants to feel like they're getting attention and that their opinions are being heard. This is an easy way to achieve that goal.
3. Giving a safe space
Most people need about 45–152 cm to feel like you're not in their own space. If someone is feeling bad and you enter their personal space, they are likely to get more anxious. So pay attention to the distance between you and the other person, especially when they seem upset.
4. Touching
The same applies to touching. The arm, from the elbow to the base of the hand (including a handshake), is the safe zone for friendly touch. A light touch on the arm or elbow can be a sign of good communication if you are familiar with the person or can determine whether touch is desired.
5. The closed position
If you notice that the person is hiding their torso by crossing their arms in front of them or by holding something, they might be reticent. Remember to keep your body language open to build trust and intimacy between the two of you. Try to get them out of this position, if possible, by giving them something or by offering them coffee or some other drink to hold.
6. Microexpressions
If you can learn the seven universal expressions (a set of facial expressions that indicate a person's mood, including happiness, amazement, contentment, sadness, fear, disgust, and anger), you will be able to read people more effectively and show empathy better.
For example, if the other person displays a microexpression of fear when making a comment, you can immediately provide an explanation to help relieve their fear.
If you see them being irritable, you can try to de-escalate the situation and redirect the conversation by saying, “I know this can be frustrating. We will get back in touch in an hour after reviewing the process for a while. I'm confident that a different approach can be found."
Be Empathetic
A great part of interacting with provocative people requires empathy and understanding. Ask yourself: “What makes them act this way? Is it about control, insecurity, fear, change, or physical or mental pain? Can I fulfill that need?” In some cases, yes, we can.
Years ago, I dealt with a provocative person at my son's school. This person showed a great need to feel important. He clearly liked to be in a position of control and power. He observed the traffic and the children on the street for years, even though he was not an employee of the school. He used to stand in the middle of the road and tell the parents what to do. He also requested to be called "Captain". Many people have found this behavior annoying, but it doesn't have to be that way.
By recognizing his need to feel important, I was able to give him that feeling and continue my day without it bothering me. I even used to call him "Captain", which made him very happy. Just thinking about one's personality in all its aspects helps to create empathy.
Consider anger and challenges a "precious gift," and ask yourself what lesson this offers and what you can learn from the person. Thinking about the person and their situation allows us to be more tolerant and empathetic towards them.
In Conclusion
The old saying goes: "When someone presents you the "gift of anger," refuse it, decline it politely, and allow them to take it with them." Naturally, this is easier said than done, but reminding ourselves that this is not our problem helps us know our role in the relationship.
A few years ago, my husband and I had different views on some issues, which caused tension between us.
As difficult as it was, I tried my own advice. We both started to listen to each other's points of view, both verbally and non-verbally. With practice, our conversations miraculously began to improve. Together, we were able to gain a deeper understanding of each other's perspective, and our annoying conversations became a lesson for both of us and eventually led to better communication.
Dealing with provocative people is hard, but it can lead to good things. These people can be a gift to us.
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