I'm sure you've seen or heard of people who have overcome adversities such as the death of a loved one, losing a job, a serious physical illness, an accident, disasters, or wars, but what do we do when we face difficulties? And how will we deal with our pain? Can we prepare ourselves for this inevitable experience?
There may be no straightforward answers to these questions, but what can help is the psychological concept of “flexibility.” Bearing in mind that now we are all in the midst of a negative experience- the COVID-19 pandemic - our understanding of flexibility is fundamental.
Flexibility is the ability to recover from stressful circumstances or crises successfully and to do so in a way that makes your performance healthy over time.
This means that flexibility involves not only the ability to move beyond the situation but also experiencing a state of growth, such as finding meaning or purpose, self-awareness, and experiencing improvement in interpersonal relationships.
Defining flexibility may seem a bit easy, but its concept is much more complex than you might think. First, some people show direct flexibility when they experience a particular hardship or experience a potentially traumatic event. Most people with traumatic experiences show no signs or symptoms of depression or long-term anxiety.
Let us take the example of a study conducted on New York residents following the terrorist attack of September 11, 2001. The researchers found that 65% of those questioned had returned to normal functioning within six months. So, you may be able to be more flexible than you realize.
Second, some people seem inclined to deal more effectively with stress and anxiety and better regulate their emotions. Flexibility isn't one trait you possess or lack, but it is a set of skills, including behaviors and ideas, that can be developed by learning and experiencing new experiences.
Third, while the individual characteristics of flexibility are essential, contextual factors such as social, health, and economic conditions also have an impact. For example, even if you tend to be flexible, you may not gain them if you grew up in an environment that is not supportive and stressful to abusive parents.
In fact, it is hurtful, unfair, and inaccurate to view flexibility as a purely individual quality. People struggling to recover from a negative life event may think something is inherently wrong with them, but this belief is incorrect. Exposure to certain external conditions is a significant factor in a person's ability to be flexible in dealing with circumstances.
Fourth, flexibility has another property: dynamism. You may be flexible in one situation, but you don't show the same flexibility to deal with another problem, perhaps because it is more complex or more demanding of different possibilities. We can all be more flexible in one situation than another.
Fifth, being flexible doesn't mean not suffering a wound. For example, a study of more than 200 people who suffered from the death of their wives showed those rated as the most flexible reported some symptoms of sadness and grief. Almost everyone experiences some negative effects while experiencing adversity, such as emotional stress, but flexible people can recover from these conditions well.
Finally, although what is being said now may seem contradictory to you, flexibility is not gained by focusing on the positives all the time or trying to escape the odds. Many of us have grown up avoiding difficulties or stress, which is true if stress is toxic and chronic, as it is a risk factor for mental health.
As long as you learn to cope successfully, being exposed to a certain stress level gives you the challenge to be stronger when facing hardship. On the contrary, overly evading difficulties makes you unable to cope or overcome them in unavoidable hardship because you have not developed the necessary skills to deal with them.
Understanding flexibilty's dynamic and complex nature is essential because it shows that no magic medicine or prescription makes you flexible. Each person will have their way of coping with stress, their own pace of recovery, and a different level of learning from crises. It's also perfectly normal to fail to recover quickly or entirely from a particular adversity, and it's also okay to get hurt or feel lost during difficult times.
What to do?
Science doesn't have all the answers about how humans acquire flexibility, but we know that to possess and develop this skill, we must learn to tap into internal and external capabilities. Next, I will look at some of the most important ones.
1. Networking with others
The idea of withdrawing from the world is common when facing difficulties, and this may happen for various reasons, such as shame, fear of judgment, or preferring to stay away to avoid burdening anyone. Although being isolated during difficult times is not very bad, it is also necessary to keep in touch with people to some extent.
Research shows that the risk of developing Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is higher for people who lack post-traumatic social support, keeping in mind that even if your family and friends are by your side. Still, you avoid seeing and talking to them altogether, so it will be impossible for them to help you.
People who choose to connect with others and strengthen their relationships with them rather than choose isolation are often better able to cope with adversity and develop themselves during this experience. Effective social support from your close relationships and the community around you may motivate you to deal with stress and hardship healthily.
So,, when the difficulties are enormous, reach out to others who can provide support. There are many different ways to do this. First, it's easy to talk about what you're going through. It can be frustrating to talk to someone who is just trying to pretend to listen or is listening to make judgments, so find someone who is receptive and good at listening.
You can also try telling them in advance that all you need to do is listen to you. Another way is to seek useful help, such as providing information, advice, or help with daily tasks. More flexible people usually realize that they can't solve every problem independently.
You may find it challenging to seek help, especially if you're used to dealing with problems alone or seeing dependence on others as a sign of weakness. Asking for help takes courage, and needing help simply means being human.
Here are some other ideas on how to connect with others for support:
If you're exercising or walking, invite someone else to come with you. Commit to contacting your loved ones regularly. To amuse and enjoy power, use it, laugh with friends, or do silly things. If there are social groups that share your interests or hobbies, join them to exchange ideas or meet new people.
Support others informally or through volunteer organizations; helping others makes us feel happy and appreciated.
Most importantly, don't wait for a disaster to happen to connect with others. Always make sure you have supportive relationships that nurture your sense of self-worth and your need for warmth in your relationships, which in turn can contribute to your flexibility.
If you're physically distant from your loved ones, look for other ways to contact them regularly. Even having the support of a few people you can rely on can make a big difference when adversity strikes.
2. Focus on what you can control
About seven years ago, I was diagnosed with peripheral neuropathy, a type of nerve damage. For me, this chronic condition manifests itself as a constant sharp pain and burning sensation in my feet. My life was miserable for six months before diagnosis, and the pain during it was unbearable.
I could barely walk for five minutes at a time, but it was different after diagnosis when I was prescribed pain-relieving medications. Although it is now more tolerable and controlled, the pain is always there, and I will probably continue to take medication for the rest of my life.
For the first few months, I had a hard time accepting this. At the time, I was 35 years old and physically active before I became ill. I have asked myself more than 100 times why this is possible. Although rejecting myself and blaming it, others, or the world provided some relief; it got me nowhere.
Then came a day when I decided to stop wrestling with my pain and start acknowledging it, which doesn't mean I liked the situation itself - I wouldn't say I liked it - but it gave me space to develop effective coping strategies.
The more I accept my condition and pain, the less pain I feel. An experimental study was conducted to measure the effects of accepting and acknowledging something, and this study included causing pain in 62 men and women. This study showed that those who learned acceptance experienced less sensory pain than those who used easy distractions.
But be aware that acceptance doesn't mean giving up or letting go of a situation. It's about gently observing what's happening around us and allowing unpleasant experiences to exist without trying to change or deny them. When you accept a situation, you can choose to do what really matters to you and follow what is of value to you more easily.
In his book A Liberated Mind, American psychologist Steven Hayes explains and writes about acceptance wonderfully, saying that it allows us to remember and feel the present or the moment fully and then acknowledge all our experiences - even the painful ones - as gifts. He adds, "Not all of these experiences are positive; some of them are agonizing and frightening, but one thing is for sure, they are all valuable."
For me personally, accepting my condition led me to work. Instead of hitting my head against the wall, I chose to be proactive and redesign my life. The idea of running was impossible, but I could swim or walk for half an hour, or as long as I was sitting, I could exercise with weights.
As a lecturer, I've always loved standing up and moving around, but I've learned to sit in class, at least for a while. I have planned my trips and holidays in a way that does not significantly affect my pain, such as walking short distances in the city or avoiding long lines.
When you resolve adversity, ask yourself, “What can I do in this situation?” Redirect your energy towards issues you can influence. In the case of the current pandemic, you cannot fight its existence. Still, by gently accepting it with all its badness and the restrictions it imposes, you will have the opportunity to turn your attention to the things you already have control over.
In his book, A Man's Search for Meaning, psychiatrist Viktor Frankl wrote, “When we lose our ability to change a situation, the next challenge is to change ourselves.”
3. Practice coping with discomfort in certain situations
If you're like most people, you often try to avoid your uncomfortable feelings by pushing them away. You may think that this way of dealing with adversity may give you control. Still, the problem is that even if you manage to temporarily regulate the discomfort in this way, using avoidance as a hypothetical coping strategy will backfire and prevent you from becoming flexible while dealing with life stressors.
A study in which dozens of volunteers participated showed that the more people tried to avoid or control their emotions on a given day, the less they were inclined to enjoy their activities on that day and the more negative emotions they felt during that day. If we think about it, it seems obvious that we will find it difficult to enjoy life if we constantly avoid and ignore our feelings or try to stop them.
Why might we find this difficult? Easily because we won't be able to focus on the present moment, and we will miss the potential we need to participate in our daily tasks and activities.
It's definitely okay to turn to avoidance as a strategy in certain circumstances to regulate your emotions, but don't let this become a habit. Instead, create a different kind of relationship with your feelings. For example, ask yourself the next time you're upset about what you're feeling precisely instead of trying to push those complicated feelings away.
Avoid general phrases such as “I feel bad” and be as accurate as possible in your description of your situation, such as “I feel disappointed,” “I feel guilty,” or “I'm frustrated.” The categorization of feelings will help to alleviate their intensity. Be curious and learn more about them. What do your feelings tell you? What's its purpose?
If you're disappointed that your son or daughter lied to you, these feelings may indicate the value of honesty in your life. Some feelings are really tough, but every emotion has a job. Taking these feelings and emotions together a great source of information about you, your values, and whether there are things you want to change in your life.
4. Distancing yourself from your thoughts
As a business coach and psychotherapist, over the years, I have seen many clients who have become trapped in a destructive spiral of stories that they continue to tell themselves about a particular situation or event that has passed in their lives. We constantly tell ourselves stories about the kind of person we are, our relationships, and our lives in general.
Although this process is useful for understanding our thoughts, some are not. For example, some people think after a divorce or separation that they are a failure, will never have a love affair again, or will always make bad choices. However, they're just ideas and don't necessarily reflect the truth. Still, when people believe these kinds of thoughts about themselves, they often avoid coming experiences or later withdraw, both of which are unhelpful long-term coping strategies.
While going through such situations, I help my clients to disconnect from their thoughts; that is, to put distance between themselves and their thoughts. This is called "defusion." It is a form of psychotherapy. When we do this process, we look at our ideas, not from. This does not mean that using a strategy like this will make a particular idea disappear; it means that you will choose not to be drawn into its unhelpful content.
You step back and watch your thoughts go back and forth easily. Going back to the example of divorce, when my clients think they're losers or always make bad choices, I ask them if they can look at these thoughts as mere words rather than facts.
One technique I find particularly useful is to give thanks to our minds. Your mind may tell you different and varied things and stories, but you can literally thank your mind by saying, “Thank you for your opinion, but I'm fine,” or, “Thank you, your idea is here, but I think I'll make the decision myself,” or, “It's okay, thank you. Is there anything else you'd like to say?”
This exercise will show you that you have two options: either believe your thoughts and go where they want you to go, or acknowledge and read your thoughts but stop being preoccupied with their content and instead move to where you want to go.
When faced with difficulty or hardship, look at your story with the eye of the observer from the outside and your thoughts as just ideas and not facts, and always remember that you don't have to believe every story you tell yourself.
5. Reframe your difficulties as a challenge
Another strategy for gaining flexibility is to find opportunities for growth during adversity. Many people told me this strategy was particularly useful for dealing with the unpleasant feelings and negative thoughts they had during the pandemic.
For example, a colleague with two children told me he is grateful for the extra time he now spends with his children after working from home. One client told me that although she had been isolated from her family for a long time and felt frustrated and scared, she saw the pandemic as an opportunity to think internally and learn to cope with negative or disturbing emotions.
People who generally view stress as a challenge and an opportunity for growth rather than a threat are more likely to deal with it and less likely to experience the negative effects of excessive well-being. You'll be amazed at the number of opportunities one can find in a stressful situation or even while experiencing a traumatic event in life.
Looking at things this way is officially defined as “cognitive reevaluation” or “cognitive reframing.” To develop this mindset and support your flexibility, ask yourself questions like, “What can I learn from this situation?” "What chance do I have to grow?" And “Where can the benefit lie in this negative event?” “Is there anything I can be grateful for?”
By following the previous strategy, you are not only denying that the negative side exists or that you are trying to think positively. On the contrary, you are turning the negative situation you are exposed to into an inspiration and a way to find useful opportunities through it.
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