Note: This article is by Mark Chernoff, who tells us four secrets that helped him overcome difficult situations.
Since we are human beings, we learn, develop, and grow through the vicissitudes of life, and our experience also includes many of the difficult situations we face in our lives. The secret is not to let these tough times get the best of you.
Thinking about the most traumatic situation you've been through in your life is likely to lead to some very painful and distressing feelings, and the memories associated with it may trigger some anxiety, anger, or sadness. Then it may continue to affect your quality of life, and that's the predicament most of us face.
Now imagine how you would feel if you could get over these feelings, and by "get over," I mean no longer suffering because of something that happened in the distant past. I know this is possible because I and Angel—my wife and partner at markandangel.com—have taken on many very difficult and heartbreaking situations and have seen hundreds of trainees in our courses do the same.
4 Secrets helpe us overcome difficulties
1. Practice recognizing ideals, then let them go
When a difficult situation that happened to you in the past stirs up anxiety, anger, sadness, and other harsh feelings, it means that there are some ideal thoughts associated with this situation that are causing you suffering. These thoughts may be difficult to realize at first, but with time you can easily discover them.
For example, when you are sad or there was an event in the past that you craved and clung to that doesn't match what's actually going on with you. Perhaps a member of your family did something that caused you pain; you'll feel sad because (ideally) you don't expect this person to harm you. But thinking this way, even if it is logical, will not help you.
On the contrary, it will do you harm. So if you always think about changing what happened in the past, you will remain sad, anxious, and angry for the rest of your life. The first step you need to take is to realize what you're holding on to.
The second step is to let go of those ideals, and although it may be impossible to completely free yourself from them, if you see that a particular ideal is causing you distress, you can make a conscious decision about it to break free from it.
Sure, in an ideal world, your family would never hurt you, but again, that's not the case. Breaking free from this idealism means embracing the fact that everyone in your family is a human being and that humans sometimes make huge mistakes. Nothing is perfect, but this is the truth, and it must be accepted.
Long-term peace of mind depends on allowing yourself to accept 'what is there,' rather than wanting and worrying about 'what isn't there.' Accepting what exists means accepting reality and stopping thinking about everything that is otherwise.
2. Let go of negative thoughts
It is impossible to get past a difficult situation—or forget it and let it go—if you are still thinking hard about what happened. So let's revisit one of those hurtful situations you encountered in your past; pick one that still triggers negative feelings in you and then ask yourself:
- Do you think this situation should have happened at all?
- Do you think the outcome should have been different?
- Do you take what happened personally?
- Do you blame someone else for what happened?
- Do you blame yourself?
- Do you think it is impossible to overcomee this situation?
If you find yourself answering “yes” to one or more of these questions, what prolongs your suffering and prevents you from getting over it is your mindset. Thinking about what happened in the past keeps the situation fresh in your mind, and then it continues to affect your daily life.
Now you might be thinking, “What happened was so unbelievably horrible, and I don’t think I could easily get over it,” but letting go of these thoughts does not mean that you are happy with what happened; rather, it means that you are trying to get rid of this burden that’s heavily weighing on your shoulders, and when you are free from your negative thoughts, you automatically replace the victim mindset with acceptance and mindfulness, setting your mind free in the process.
3. Find something you are grateful for right now, despite the situation
The feeling of happiness does not always make us grateful for what happens to us, but gratitude gives us a feeling of happiness and makes us smile.
Most of us would say that this is idealistic. But it is not. Gratitude is the foundation; happiness is simply the sacred experience of living with a sincerely grateful heart. Expressing gratitude is very simple, but how can it make such a big difference?
Being grateful seems simple enough, but it is very difficult to maintain this state of gratitude when faced with the disappointments of life. This is the important thing: moments of discouragement and disappointment are precisely the ones where a little gratitude goes a long way.
So what is the best approach?
Gratitude begins with the presence of the mind. You cannot appreciate your life without devoting your attention to it, and the truth is that we make our current situations much worse when we relive past tough events in our minds.
“How could she do that to me?” Or when we think of all the situations that might cause us problems in the future, “What if he cheated on me?” In the present, our real situation is rarely as complex as we imagine it to be, and we can meet this reality with grace and gratitude if we can really stay in the present.
When our mind drifts to the past or speculates about the future, we must do our best to stop our thinking and refocus with a conscious mind on the present.
Once we're back, the secret is to accept the moment as it is. Our reality can destroy us if we deny it or oppose it; we can, however, accept it for what it is, feel grateful for it, and gradually benefit from it, but this, of course, requires practice.
It's easy to forget to be grateful when we're faced with frustrating situations in life, but this is reality, not utopia! and your reality always has a silver lining if you choose to see it.
For me and Angel, getting over life's hardships has become a lot easier lately. Instead of focusing on how difficult everything is, we've tried to practice gratitude in our lives, using it to find a glimmer of hope and joy in the little steps of progress we make each day.
4. Focus briefly on someone else
You are not the center of the universe, yet when you are mired in difficult life situations, it is easy to feel that you are.
I think we all tend from time to time to focus on ourselves and see everything as it affects us, but it can have all kinds of negative effects, from feeling sorry for ourselves when things don't go exactly as planned to doubting our abilities when we're not perfect. Here's an example from my personal experience:
This morning, I faced the reality of rejection—an opportunity that was not decided in my favor. At first, I was afraid and had a general feeling that I was not good enough. But I restrained myself and tried to shift my focus to something else, and instead of drowning in my disappointment, I thought of other people I might be able to help, so I thought of writing a new article on the site.
Finding small ways to help others rids me of my selfish thinking, and thankfully, I no longer feel self-pity. I begin to think about what others need, and I do not value myself because the question of whether or not I am good enough is no longer the primary question. Rather, the main question now is how I can help others, and writing on the blog site was my first way to do so.
Angel and I first developed this strategy in our lives over a decade ago. We were struggling with an almost simultaneous loss of our loved ones, and it was really hard to find motivation when we didn't think we had the strength to move on, but we tried to take one small step each day. More often than not, we would just write a short blog post to share some lessons learned with others who might find our stories and opinions useful. We felt fulfilled and gradually got stronger.
I did the same thing this morning, and I took a small step forward. I just turned on my laptop, opened a new document, and wrote one sentence.
This action may seem so small and insignificant, yet it was so easy to come in handy when I was feeling down. It showed me that the next step was possible, as were the steps that followed, and the end result was this blog you're reading now. I hope it helps, even if only a little.
In conclusion
If there's one thing the four strategies—or secrets—above have in common, it is the importance of reacting to life's challenges in a more effective manner. When you can break free of your ideals, thoughts, and self-pity, you give yourself the space to respond to difficult life situations more effectively, and that changes everything.
This also applies to everyday challenges, not just the great disasters of life. For example, when my two-year-old son threw his dinner plate on the floor, I would get upset and say to myself, "He's smart and he shouldn't do that," and scream, "It didn't work," or I could have done exactly what I did and simply let go of this ideal, this judgment, and the resulting tension, and then calmly explain the situation to my son as I helped him clean up the floor (yes, that reaction helped me too); my response was indeed the most effective choice.
Regardless of the current situation, when we respond with haste and emotional anxiety, we are only compounding our problems. Taking a deep breath, counting to ten, or responding calmly means we'll be able to better handle any difficult situation, whether it's an emergency, the unexpected loss of a family member, or the aggressive misbehavior of a two-year-old.
Bottom line: You can't control everything that happens (or has happened), but you can control how you respond, and your response is your greatest strength.
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