Notice: This article is based on the work of writer Scott H Young, who shares his experience in building strong friendships through shared situations and challenges.
My current roommate is an aspiring skateboarder and guitar player. What amazes me is that he is unfamiliar with most current cases. He began smoking during our time in France, became addicted, and quit in just six weeks. Despite our differences, I see him as one of my closest friends.
What is the reason for not building great friendships?
Values and ways of thinking are often regarded as the basic components of a good relationship—relationships that are described as platonic or otherwise—so if I'm a vegan, a power rebel, or a sci-fi geek, I should be looking for someone with the exact same interests.
But my experience taught me otherwise. I've met plenty of people who, ostensibly, share my goals of self-improvement, learning, or entrepreneurship, but I don't feel comfortable arguing with them. In spite of all our similarities, we never got along.
At the same time, I met people with diametrically opposite views and became good friends, and I now believe that while values and philosophy may be important characteristics in a relationship, they are not a priority.
What makes great friendships happen?
In reviewing the bonds I have formed with people throughout my life, I believe that the most important pattern is not common interests but common attitudes. When you share a mutual situation, suffering, or challenging experience with a friend, it forms a bond with a value that exceeds any other.
For example, my best friend and I met in our first year of college. He had just come from India, and all the boys' schools were boarding. As for me, I come from a small town where I was shy and awkward in social situations, and we both loved exploring social relationships and making friends.
It wasn't that we had much in common; we have somewhat different personalities, and many of our approaches to life are very different, but being in the same situation and facing the same challenges played a huge role in the formation of that relationship.
My experience with my current roommate is another great example. We became such good friends despite our different personalities and almost opposing viewpoints because of our common situation: we were both Canadians figuring out how to live in France.
Do you need like-minded friends?
I would say that having like-minded people is not particularly helpful; people who think like you cannot challenge you intellectually, nor can they offer you a different view on life and major issues.
My best friend and I often disagree on matters relating to marriage, given that we have different cultural and philosophical attitudes on these matters, but I believe that these differences help us both sharpen our thinking. This is because questioning my thoughts forces me to reflect on them.
Living with someone who is calm and pliable forces me to assess all my attitudes toward ambition, stress, and lifestyle, as well as learn valuable lessons.
I believe that relationships either provide comfort or help you grow. Like-minded friends have an easier time comforting you in moments of doubt because they reinforce your current view of the world. However, different friends force you to reassess your behavior and consider new options.
Socializing tip: Ignore values and focus on mutual challenges
If you want to build a network of close friends, talking about your philosophical similarities is not the best starting point. Yes, it can provide for an engaging topic of discussion, but it doesn't result in a lasting connection. Instead, try to find the challenges that you both have in common and find out the things that you are facing now or that you have faced in the past.
I have spoken with and exchanged e-mails with the Irish writer Benny Lewis. I believe that what brought us together is not related to personality but because I am learning my first foreign language while he speaks eight languages. He just started a new blog while I've been writing on mine for four years, which allowed the exchange of experiences between us and thus strengthened our friendship.
In conclusion:
This is still a new hypothesis about forming relationships, but in the future, the focus will be on finding common challenges rather than shared values when meeting new people.
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