Rather than tackling these issues head-on, we frequently choose to put off conversations or, better yet, avoid them altogether.
"We often picture a confrontation to include many factors that are unappealing to many of us," said clinical psychologist Ellen Henderiksen at Boston University. "This can be anger or hostility, thinking on our feet, the possibility of getting overwhelmed with stress, potential rejection, or the worry we won’t be able to control our emotions—that we’ll burst into tears or make a fool of ourselves."
"Confrontation with other people will make us spiteful if we are not good at standing up for ourselves, if we have learned not to be a nuisance or a burden to anyone, or if we are sensitive to strong emotions," she continued.
When we avoid confrontational conversations, we feel temporarily relieved of our worries, but in the long run, we only end up hurting ourselves. Our needs won't be met, and the problem won't be solved. Instead, our sense of self-worth will dwindle.
"You say their thoughts are more important than yours, and you act accordingly," says Ryan Howes, a clinical psychologist in Pasadena, California. "But every time you think like that, you reinforce that belief, and you assert to yourself that you shouldn't stand up for yourself."
Avoiding confrontations can damage our relationships. We believe that by not confronting others, we can uphold the peace, but no matter how hard we try to deny it, eventually, our negative feelings towards them are bound to come out.
"If we hold our feelings inside and don't express them, we shut them out, but eventually they start rolling out as resentment, hatred, or passive aggression. Avoiding confrontation drives a wedge. We won't be able to build a solid relationship if we can't effectively communicate,” says Hendrickson.
Some helpful tips for those who have trouble confronting others
1. Stop treating confrontation as a bad thing
“You have to double-check your assumptions, whether you learned to pick your battles because you once worked for a difficult boss or whether your fear of conflict dates back to your childhood," says psychotherapist Amy Morin to Psychology Today.
What distorted perception have you held about confrontation that you could change for the better? The idea of confrontation may conjure up images of skirmishes and doomed relationships but know that it can actually be quite healthy when we deal with others amicably yet firmly.
“Confrontation doesn't have to involve yelling that ends in cutting ties," Henderiksen said. "It can be a win-win negotiation, a perfectly honest conversation that brings you closer to the other person, or an expression of intense anxiety."
2. Focus on what you want to say rather than how others will react
It's easy to lose control of your thoughts and the real purpose of the conversation when you're so worried about the other person's reaction. According to Howes, "You have a need, a desire, or an opinion, and you have every right to express it."
It's wise to take your time to identify your feelings before starting the conversation. Sketch a few points about what's bothering you, and be clear about them. You could write, "I wish my roommate would let me know before he invites people over," instead of something vague like, "I wish my roommate were more considerate."
Nick Wignall, a clinical psychologist, wrote in his blog post: "Just start by listing everything you can think of when it comes to what's bothering you—you can write about the people who were the cause of your discomfort, the different feelings you were experiencing, the fantasies you had in mind, or any other things. You'll be able to identify the real problem pestering you by forcing yourself to write down the reasons on paper."
You can write down or make a note on your phone when you have highlighted the main points that are bothering you and want to discuss with the other party. That way, Hawes said, you have something to fall back on while talking to the other person if you're worried about forgetting what you wanted to talk about.
3. Weigh the long-term results of confrontation with short-term discomfort
Feeling anxious about confronting others for the next few hours or days is a small price to pay for the peace of mind you'll enjoy once it's over, and it's much better than dwelling on it for weeks, months, or even years.
Howes gave the example of a neighbor who hasn't returned your lawnmower yet after borrowing it. You don't want to ask your neighbor to return the mower, but you still want to mow the lawn today. Hence, just as the weeds in your garden grow, so does your resentment of him.
"Five months from now, after so many hours of rumination, resentment, and bitterness," said Howes, "you will go and talk to him angrily and get the lawn mower back, but at the same time, you'll destroy your friendship with him."
Sure, you could stew over it for months, internally conflicted, and end up blowing up, or you could get upset for a few seconds now and say, "Hey, do you think you'll be done with the lawn mower soon?" and nicely confront him so as not to ruin your summer.
4. Use “I” statements to keep the defensive stance at bay
You could say something like, "I feel sad when our conversations are one-sided, and it would mean a lot to me if you were to connect with me more and ask me how I'm doing," rather than, "You're very selfish, always going on about yourself and not caring what I do." Keeping your emotions in check is important because attacking someone's personality will only make them defensive. Once they put up their defenses, communication won't be that easy.
Morin writes: “Avoid over-accusing the other party. All you need to do is express your thoughts and feelings, but more importantly, remember to take a few deep breaths and keep your cool, even if the other person tears off a strip of you. Being assertive rather than aggressive is the intention of this confrontation."
Another way to keep the defensive stance at bay is to take responsibility for anything you've done. You could have made a mistake or done better in that situation, even if it was small.
"Of course, you don't want to take things too far and start apologizing for things you didn't do or simply making things up just to make the other person feel better, " Wignall writes, but taking responsibility is "a powerful way to indicate that it's not personal and that you're not attacking or criticizing the other person. It's just about making things better for everyone in the future."
5. Treat confrontations as a form of cooperation rather than a competition
"Instead of viewing the situation as 'you vs. the other person,' Henderiksen suggested, "think of it as collaborating to address the problem. For instance, when you're about to initiate a potential confrontation with your partner about spending too much money, don't start by telling them, 'You need to track your spending on Amazon. 'Instead, approach the issue by saying, "I know we're trying to save money so we can make a down payment on the house, but how can we get there?" If the conversation drifts, steer it toward your mutual goal.
“You'll feel less aggressive and more like a team,” said Henderiksen. Howes concurred, saying it's better to work together to find a win-win solution whenever possible. Plus, collaboration is less threatening — and often more productive - than outright confrontation.
"Let's say your boss needs someone to do extra work on a project, but you can't give that project more time," Howes added. "In that case, you can approach this as a problem to be solved rather than a battle to win."
Like: "Let's work our way around this problem. I don't have extra time, so I'm not the best option. But how about other ideas like hiring a temporary employee, borrowing someone from another department, or postponing the deadline? What other ideas can you bring up?"
6. Reward yourself for facing your fears regardless of the outcome
When you're done confronting the other person, take a minute to acknowledge what you've done well. You may have been able to talk to the other respectfully, even when you wanted to yell, or you initiated the conversation with them earlier in the week instead of putting it off for months.
“Even if the overall outcome isn't what you had hoped for, you can still give yourself credit for doing some aspects of it well,” Wignall wrote.
Then, reward yourself with something simple. For example, you can treat yourself to your favorite snack, ride a bike and take in the scenery, go to the barber or hairdresser, or engage in other activities that make you feel good. "You have a need, a desire, or an opinion, and you have every right to express it," Ryan Howes said.
Howes also encourages his clients to reassess how they measure success and failure regarding confrontation. It's not about whether you can change the other person's mind or behavior; we can't control these things. However, we can feel more comfortable facing our fears and get better at standing up for ourselves.
Howes continued, “You've done well if you've initiated the conversation, and if you've asked the other person what you want, even if they disagree, that's a good job of standing up for yourself."
All of us have been there. Somehow, you've found yourself in a conversation with someone you don't share any interests with, who makes you uncomfortable, or who won't stop complaining about what you do. These types of interactions can be uncomfortable, so these tips will help you have these conversations and more.
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