Note: This article is based on an article by emotional intelligence coach Susan Clarain, in which she tells us about the importance of curiosity in improving relationships.
The secret to high productivity starts with one crucial skill. We are talking about curiosity here, not listening ability.
Why curiosity?
- Successful relationships are built on curiosity.
- Successful relationships give work vitality, importance, and purpose.
- Curiosity is where energy, meaning, and purpose come from.
How do leaders behave?
Giving and receiving in open communication is essential for successful relationships. Sharing, speaking, and listening are three abilities that leaders use to influence others, yet listening is frequently a challenge.
I disagree with the popular advice that encourages "active listening," because doing so can occasionally make it appear as though you don't understand what is being said.
The issue with active listening
This might strike you as odd, and it goes against everything you've learned about steering or leadership if you think about it that way. After more than 20 years, thousands of clients, and myself leading some of these workouts or coaching sessions, I've discovered that this approach doesn't work for the majority of people. Leaders will work hard to develop their listening skills. They might be successful in the short run, but they might not like it.
Here is the issue
As a leader, you are able to solve problems, inspire others to action, make decisions, and overcome challenges. As a result, when you're in "listening" mode, your brain automatically starts working on understanding the problem so it can solve it. Then, your brain unconsciously anticipates your response because that's how it functions. Your brain thinks it is redundant to tell you to actively listen.
No matter how hard you try to put down your phone, make eye contact, and truly listen, inside your mind, you are already making connections, making comparisons to past experiences, forming opinions, and responding. Why does this happen?
The brain is a prediction engine
Your brain constantly scans the environment and processes information to determine what to do next. Psychologist Daniel Kahneman refers to it as “System 1.” Therefore, by telling yourself to actively listen, you are neurologically telling your brain to perceive, consider, and comprehend what you hear.
To put it another way, it is important to activate all the alerts required to solve issues, but it is not a good idea to try to establish meaningful communication with someone until they feel heard and understood.
The science behind it
| the human brain was not intended to think. It is made to make predictions |
According to the most recent findings in neuroscience, the human brain was not intended to think. It is made to make predictions. When a person, a problem, or someone with a problem is encountered, your brain immediately begins searching for memories, experiences from the past, experiences of people you know, relationships, books, movies, biases, feelings, perceptions, assumptions, successes, failures, tastes, and smells, as well as everything you've encountered up to this point since birth.
When you concentrate on "active listening," you are telling your mind to expect and act better. Your mind will pose and then respond to several inquiries: “When was the last time you had a similar experience? How were you feeling? What have you observed? How did you act?” Then you become aware of and comprehend what is in front of you, and you begin to do, suggest, and resolve!
Because none of these neurological reactions are conscious, trying to "understand" someone can lead us in the wrong direction. Humans reach decisions and conclusions in about a second, according to psychological research, and the brain "understands" things based on associations, memories, and internal experiences.
Positive effects of curiosity
According to psychological research, listening with curiosity can result in genuine interest. Thus, when we follow our curiosity and give our doubts room to grow, we can gain new insight. Curiosity can also keep our brains from jumping to conclusions.
According to author Adam Gran in his book Think Again: The Power Of Knowing What You Don't Know, doubt forces us to reevaluate what we believe to be true and change the way we perceive a situation or person. "It definitely equips us to probe and take in new concepts," he asserts.
Curiosity and skepticism work together to stimulate and present a problem-solving mindset. When we listen with curiosity, we listen for what is new; we listen to discover and to learn.
How to listen curiously
Empathy often comes after curiosity because we find it difficult to interact, agree, or understand. And instead of telling yourself, "I should feel sorry for them, but I really don't agree with them," try being curious: “Why do they feel and think this way, exactly? What motivates their response? And what am I missing? What could I possibly miss? Do I pay attention to what he has to say, or do I make snap judgments?”
To expand your knowledge and test your thinking, practice asking open-ended questions. Tell me more by asking "how, what, where, and when" questions. Even better, you can ask: "Out of curiosity, how many times has this happened?"
Empathy comes naturally when we approach others with genuine curiosity. Being empathetic means listening without solving a problem. Empathy does not require understanding or agreement. Empathy is listening without judgment, simply acknowledging what the person is asking and the feelings they are expressing, whether you agree or not.
You can accomplish this by demonstrating your point. According to research, listening with curiosity and empathy reduces anxiety and defensiveness. We can prevent the System 1 brain from anticipating and acting by using curiosity. Famous emotional researcher Paul Ekman discovered that curious individuals who are open to new experiences are better able to read and adjust to the shifting emotions of others.
Paying attention to communication
The act of listening can be reframed from problem-solving to trust-building by changing your intention from listening for understanding to listening for communication.
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