Note: This article is based on the work of psychiatrist Nancy Collier, in which she provides an overview of her book "Can't Stop Thinking: How to Let Go of Anxiety and Free Yourself from Obsessive Rumination".
For a decade, she adopted various self-care methods, trying hopelessly to overcome her negative thoughts, specifically the self-loathing-related ones. Also, she often adopted numerous positive thinking methods that helped encourage her throughout her journey.
Tara was on the path to changing her way of thinking. Her miserable situation has forced her to come up with a daily self-care routine. However, it was clearly evident that she was still struggling with these thoughts when she turned to me.
She was desperate, as this situation made her feel powerless against her sinister inner dialogues. Tara wasn't the only one who was struggling; she has met hundreds of people who have been disappointed with self-care methods and psychological support.
Personally speaking, I deal frequently with hundreds of people who have been disappointed with the false hope that has been offered by self-care methods.
If you're one of those who have tried these pointless methods, don’t worry; it's not your fault that you didn't reach your desired goal. Trying to monitor our thoughts is a temporary solution. In other words, it's a painkiller that can numb the pain for a while.
This method helps only when things are going well and we are satisfied with our lives. However, when difficulties occur, it becomes hard to monitor our thoughts. In this case, self-care methods fail and our old beliefs reemerge once again.
Positive thinking may be helpful and satisfying, but it fails to address the real problem.
This method is not powerful enough to bring about a real change in our belief system. Ultimately, positive thinking methods are nothing more than a band-aid that only helps numb serious problems. For this reason, positive thinking methods can be seen as an inappropriate solution, not only because they are unreliable. Rather, they address the problem inadequately. When we adopt a method of temporarily replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, we're then relying on misleading beliefs. Let us study the following example:
"Due to their important indications and dominance over us, it's crucial to have the ability to control our thoughts. In other words, we have to monitor our thoughts even though we are not feeling well." Such beliefs are absolutely unreliable.
Positive thinking methods falsely claim that our well-being depends on the quality of our thoughts at any given moment. Therefore, the secret to our happiness lies in our strong will and mental discipline.
This belief asserts that we are still dominated by our thoughts and are moved by external events that are beyond our control. That is, positive thinking methods claim that we are able to change ourselves but, at the same time, deny that we actually possess the ability needed to make a change.
Self-care methods encourage us to be conscious of our thoughts and eradicate undesirable ones.
However, if you aspire to regain control over your thoughts, then you must stop trying to control and overcome them.
Fighting our negative thoughts relentlessly won't liberate us from them. Instead, we can do so only by completely breaking free from this cycle of conflict.
How do we break this never-ending cycle? What method will effectively aid us in achieving this? For me, the process begins with a radical perspective change in your positive thinking system.
Positive thinking methods indicate that, in order to be in good shape, our thoughts must be directed toward our desires. This doesn't only suggest that our well-being is determined solely by the quality of our thoughts, but that our thoughts are rooted deep within us.
This belief could be wrong. Aiming to make peace with your thoughts would be helpful, and trying to focus on your well-being doesn't depend on replacing your negative thoughts with positive ones. Moreover, it doesn't depend on your desires or even on your satisfaction with your thoughts.
The following illustrates the validity of this belief: when your thoughts seem to contradict your reality, they won't affect your current reality in any way.
Our thoughts don't directly affect our reality. This strongly suggests that our thoughts don't shape us. Since you will frequently experience this book's scenarios, you will sometimes be able to observe the process of thought formation.
The fact that we can observe our thoughts and comprehend what they suggest contradicts the belief that our thoughts are deeply rooted within us.
For the record, it is proven that our well-being depends on realizing that our thoughts are not deeply rooted within us. As a result, try asking yourself, "What if my thoughts are separated from me? What if I am nothing but an overseer that observes and passes these thoughts?"
Try to adopt this belief by noting this truth and persistently holding onto your belief in it at all times.
It is a fact that thoughts always pop up and disappear in our consciousness, but we should keep in mind that we aren't responsible for the quality of these thoughts, as thoughts have nothing to do with our well-being.
Our thoughts cease to control us when we observe them objectively and stop believing that we must overcome them or replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. Being aware of your capabilities results in liberation. Therefore, observing your thoughts objectively without trying to control them is what matters most for your well-being.
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