Note: This article is based on the blog post by Mollie Donghia, in which she tells us about her experience with living simply.
I wondered if worrying about something uncertain about my health would become too much. Then, the nerve-racking motherhood I went through drove me to worry about my children's growth. When I taught in elementary school, a critical assessment made me wonder whether I would let my boss down or need additional support.
I also feared what was about to come. I often heard my friends or husband say, “Just forget it” or “Don't worry about it,” when I expressed how difficult it was for me in a situation.
You know for sure that these familiar words of guidance don't work in a troubling situation. You know they're not easy to apply. It's unfortunate for me to say that if ignoring anxiety means being apathetic and uncaring, how was I supposed to do it?
I was understanding and compassionate because I was sensitive. I felt down and out when a loved one did, and I was on edge whenever I couldn't get others' approval, as I am a "people pleaser,” so how was I supposed to turn a blind eye to this? I didn't want to be disconnected from my feelings. But I hoped against hope to live without the strong urge to run the show.
When does control make you powerless?
Looking back on my life about six years ago, when my anxiety piled up with every child I had, I can see how it also led to growth, foresight, and learning. I seem to be highly anxious during all postpartum periods. Hormonal changes, having a new baby, and the constant demands of life contributed to a sense of uncertainty, which led to anxiety.
As human beings, we want to be in control. It's easy to stay in our comfort zone, as a sense of calm builds when we fall into a routine. In our minds, it goes something like this: we make a plan that follows the same approach we've set and enjoy the perks and results of our labor.
However, this is not always the case in real life. When things get out of hand (i.e., a sleepless child, health anxiety, or unexpected home repairs), I often feel high and dry, so what can I do now to control the outcome? Sometimes, I can't do much, but during these moments, I ended up with two notable truths—facts that I must remind myself of every time my mind seeks to control the situation:
Truth no. 1: Adjust my expectations
If I adjust my expectations about how things should be, I'll have a more realistic mindset. Life is brimming with blessings, but there are also many pitfalls. I don't want to live starry-eyed. I want to prepare for the fact that we'll encounter many struggles in this life.
It's up to me how I let these struggles affect my well-being daily. When I rely on my expectations and my need for positive results, I'll always be disappointed and anxious when something goes wrong. Still, when my expectations become a healthy balance of positivity and realism, life's hardships and uncontrollable circumstances become easier.
Truth no. 2: Don't be too focused on the future
I love setting goals since my husband and I are idealists. When implementing a new routine or element in raising our children, we focus on the long-term benefits. The funny thing about making plans is that there's a lot of room for change.
This is the truth about life. We aren't, after all, a bunch of programmed robots pacing around the factory. We'll miss out on the opportunity to live in the present if we spend too much time thinking about all the long-term consequences.
That means I can't entertain scenarios that may or may not occur at all. Instead, I ask myself this very simple question: "What can I do today to make better choices for tomorrow?" When I'm focused on the present, I'm less likely to be lost and scared of the future and more likely to be grateful for what I have by focusing my full attention on the day.
My mind is not preoccupied with future outcomes or consequences. It's about making deliberate and well-thought-out decisions to live each day.
Focus on the present
So, how do we ease our thoughts about the future and be more present? Planning is critical, especially for finances, career, and family planning. Focusing the more significant part of my thoughts on what I can control today is a more sound way to live. The 90/10 rule is a leading edge that can be used in many areas of life.
Think of how to apply this rule to limit your influence on the future. Only 10% of your time should be spent planning and thinking about the days, months, and years to come. This is approximately 1.5 hours of the time you spend awake.
Use the remaining 14.5 hours to reflect on your day and take the initiative. Invest in your relationships, take on healthy eating habits, work out, stay active, enjoy your freedom, call the right shots for your money, cherish your loved ones, and take some time to reflect on your greatest blessings.
I'll spend more time cheering, having fun, and guiding my kids daily rather than fretting over how they'll act as teenagers. I'll live within my means and resist the urge to spend money on things I might not need to avoid stressing over future expenses.
Instead of being afraid of having a sick family member, I'll make a 15-minute phone call to talk, plan a visit, or do everything I can to show how much I care. Moreover, rather than wondering how I'd react if life threw us lemons, I'll focus on what I can dodge today without letting my mind wander to the worst-case scenario.
Managing challenges without stressing over them
Life will always have its ups and downs, good and bad times. Still, if you can learn to give and take with your expectations while maintaining a healthy amount of positivity and balance of mind and set your eyes on what you can control today, your days will be more enjoyable and less stressful.
This is not cut out for everyone; what works for me can also work for you; however, you should do what makes you feel strong and able to flourish.
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