5 Tips for Replacing a Negative Thinking Pattern with a Positive One

One of the women I was coaching was explaining to me that expecting negative things to happen is her way of dealing with life's difficulties.

Note: This article is by Marc Chernoff, who provides 5 tips for adopting a positive thinking style.

So, I said to her: “What you are doing is like having a wonderful and beautiful masterpiece in front of you, fantastic work of art done with great passion and devotion; the colours and technique of drawing are so unparalleled that the painting is full of life, but you chose to focus on a fly that landed on the frame of this painting. Why would anyone do that?"

My words touched her, and she seemed to think seriously about what I said, so I continued: “What I mean is that there is no way that we can be completely certain of anything in this life, and life is just like a painting; it is complex and contradictory, and it cannot be predicted. So, the choice is yours to appreciate life and focus on its beauty, or think and focus on the negatives.”

Then she said, “But if you expect the worst, you will never be disappointed.” I replied that it was true, and I continued, “But will you know the true meaning of life this way? Of course not, because everyone who lives this way does not experience the true meaning of life.”

This is part of the conversation that took place between me and this woman after she started talking, as we said, that she expects negative things to happen as a way of dealing with the challenges of life. So, if you also think the same way, then it is time to give up this style of thinking.

Holding negative beliefs and acting according to them is the biggest barrier that prevents us from being happy and productive. So, if you allow negative thoughts to control you for a long time, you will lose inner peace and joy, and you will lose the opportunity to live a meaningful and productive life.

In the end, you will lose your life, and you will regret it later and feel the pain, even you become depressed, and feel frustrated for long periods without knowing the real reasons because what you experience has nothing to do with what other people say or do, and it has nothing to do with what happened or didn't happen in the past.

It is only about the negative thoughts that are going through your mind, as you are precisely the result of your thoughts, and you are not able to change anything if you are not able in the first place to change yourself.

Fortunately, it is possible. That is, you are undoubtedly able to change the way you think, and once you change the way you think, you will be able to change the way you live.

How does negative thinking arise?

In this article, we will provide 5 tips that help you get rid of negative thoughts. My wife, Angel, and I have used these tips with hundreds of trainees and people whom we have coached over many years, and they have led to great results. However, let us first clarify one of the most common mistakes committed by people who think negatively.

People who are accustomed to negative thinking justify this type of thinking as realistic people, and of course, anyone who believes in something to a great extent will justify their belief as real.

Describing pessimism as realism is a common phenomenon, and to some extent, this justification is correct, but not because the reality is bad, rather, because negative thinking prevents the mind from experiencing new patterns of thinking, and in the best cases it pushes its owner to make an unorganised and incomplete effort that naturally leads to negative results that are consistent with the negative thoughts of the person who makes this effort.

Negative expectations are fulfilled, and scientific studies even suggest that in some cases our beliefs about our health influence whether or not we will live longer, and it is more effective than the health of our vital organs.

The question is: If negative thinking has such disastrous consequences, why do we as humans adopt it? The answer is: Negative thinking, expecting the worst, and seeing the negative side in the most positive situations, even expecting failure explicitly avoids us falling into disappointment, and all of this happens without our awareness and our mouthpiece saying: "If I expected the disaster to happen, I will not be disappointed when it really happens."

The danger with this way of thinking is that we may think negatively even when everything is going well. For example, there is a thought that most of us have when we achieve something well, which is to tell ourselves that it is impossible for this situation to be permanent, and the result is that a positive situation ends sooner than it should have. That is, negative thinking patterns significantly distort our perception of reality.

5 tips to get rid of these patterns

1. Avoid generalising past negative attitudes to present and future experiences

Notice if you are generalising negative events and experiences that happen suddenly, in the sense that you see that this negative event or situation applies to everything, and then you expect it to happen in the future rather than just being aware of it at the time and place in which it happened.

For example, if someone rejects you on a particular occasion, do you generalise that event to other occasions and situations by telling yourself, for example, that you do not have enough social skills for relationships, and that you will never have good relationships?

In contrast, suppose you fail a school test. You don't judge yourself for not being smart or not skilled enough. You are satisfied with expressing to yourself your annoyance, but you promise yourself to study harder next time.

Always remember that negative thinking prevents us from seeing the positive aspects even when we get them, and it is like a mental block that prevents us from seeing anything but what confirms our negative biases. So, stop it immediately, and know that the ability to distinguish between the negativity that is a figment of your imagination, and what is actually happening in your life is a very important step to living a happier life.

2. Accept that life is a mixture of positives and negatives

Life is simply not all positive nor negative. Therefore, thinking in the mentality of “get it all or get nothing” leads to adopting a pattern of extremely negative thinking. It is a dangerous pattern of thinking that leads us to live a miserable life, and the reason is this relentless pursuit of perfect results, and if they are not perfect, we hasten to describe the situation as bad.

For example, you have to be late for home because of a rainstorm, and instead of telling yourself that you are late, you say that you missed your entire evening, and instead of telling yourself that you are nervous when meeting a group of new people, you judge them that they do not like you.

Since the vast majority of life situations are not perfect, the "all or nothing" thinking pattern makes us see only the negatives, leads us to overestimate situations and failures, and continues to expect the worst that can happen.

Of course, sometimes very negative things happen, but life, in general, is nothing but a mixture of positive and negative things, contrary to what most of us who are overly optimistic or overly pessimistic.

3. Avoid assuming negative interpretations of upsetting situations

Negative thinking leads to negative conclusions about unknown situations, which can cause significant damage to relationships. We find ourselves automatically interpreting the actions of others as something negative even when there are no signs to confirm it.

For example, you are waiting for a phone call from someone who is late for you, so you tell yourself that they definitely do not care, or you hear something positive about you from someone and you say to yourself that they do not mean what they say; they only said it as a kind of tact. These negative conclusions cause pain, stress, and frustration for us and others at a time when we are indispensable for these feelings.

One of the procedures that helps you get rid of this pattern of thinking is to stop assuming other meanings for events. If someone says something, do not assume that it means more than what they said, or if they did not say anything, do not assume that silence has an unknown negative meaning.

Preconceived assumptions about unknown situations make you more likely to believe that the uncertainty you experience is a negative indicator. In contrast, deliberation helps you make judgments about the unknown so that it becomes clear to you that you can overcome negative biases.

When you think more positively, or rather more realistically, about the facts, you will be able to evaluate all the possible reasons that can come to your mind, not just the negative possibilities. Practically and returning to the example in which the person is late in calling you, you will say: "I don't know why he hasn't called yet, but maybe he is very busy due to work pressure."

4. Identify the reasons behind your negative thoughts

To change the way you think, it helps to have a very clear understanding of what you're thinking in the first place. When a negative, worrying thought comes to your mind, instead of ignoring it, notice it carefully and then write it down.

For example, if you are sitting in front of your desk and find yourself thinking about something negative, stop for a moment and write down what you are thinking, transfer this initial thought from your mind to the paper, and just write  a short sentence or two that frankly explains that disturbing thought. Let’s say you think of the following:

“I am not qualified enough for the job I am applying for because I do not have enough experience.” Then, clearly and briefly define the reason behind this idea, which could be, for example: "I am new in this field; therefore, I feel that I am outside my comfort zone."

At the very least, the process of evaluating your negative thoughts and their triggers helps you objectively perceive the sources of negativity or anxiety, ultimately allowing you to change the way you think and take the next positive step forward.

5. Focus on the process, not the outcome

The process of positive change of all kinds begins with having a goal and the determination to achieve this goal. However, excessive insistence will be counterproductive to this process because you will simply begin to believe that you are not good enough to achieve the goal.

A few months ago, a client I coached became very adamant about achieving perfect meditation results. As her interest in meditation increased, she began to see herself as not good enough and insisted that she should be better at this practice, and she began to notice her shortcomings and seek to get rid of them.

In short, her tremendous efforts to achieve perfect results in meditation over long periods of time led to a lot of self-criticism and unexpected tension. Fortunately, through the coaching with my wife Angel, she was able to notice that because of her obstinate persistence, she had failed to achieve one of the most important goals of meditation which is self-acceptance.

So, the moral is: You have to accept yourself as you are, and then commit yourself to your self-development efforts because if you believe that you are already perfect, then you will not make any positive efforts to develop yourself. Likewise, constantly criticising yourself is completely counterproductive, like doing nothing because you will not be able to make new positive changes in your life when you are so focused on your imperfections.

The key is to remind yourself that you are already good enough, that you just need a little more practice. So, change your mindset and focus on the process, not the outcome. That is, accept that you are good, but you will still do your best to become better, instead of berating yourself and focusing on the outcome.

The first thinking pattern is much more effective because it actually pushes you to take positive action while accepting the fact that every effort may not be perfect at the same time. The ability to keep your determination within limits is another very important step toward living a happier and more successful life.

In conclusion

It is worth noting that replacing your negative thinking pattern with a positive thinking one does not mean that you get rid of all negative thoughts and perspectives. This is almost impossible since negative thinking usually arises automatically and in an uncontrollable way; it does not mean converting your wrong negative thoughts and views into positive and wrong ones as well.

It means reshaping your negative thoughts and perspectives in an effective way. It becomes completely grounded in reality, far from unnecessary exaggeration and focused solely on the next positive step you can take in the present moment.

With these five tips, you will be able to embark on the journey of positive change with strength, and you will achieve amazing results for as long as you really want to.