Never Say I Have No Choice in Life Anymore

I was excited and happy when I accepted the responsibility of launching a new BMW Group company in the United States eight years ago. Still, after two weeks, I became frustrated, depressed, and confused. The feelings I felt were because of a decision I made repeatedly, even though I didn't realize it then.

Note: This article is based on the personal experience of Tina Frey Clements, who talks about the abundance of choices life offers us.

I was absolutely sure that I had no choice in what was happening, that the situation was out of my control, and that failure was inevitable for me. Although these ideas were far from reality, I was adamant, in my opinion at the time, that I had no choice but to fail miserably.

When BMW first contacted me and suggested that I set up a consulting center specializing in training, guidance, and human resources services, I expected it to be challenging but rather simple, as I have many years of experience in these fields. I thought these things were my specialty, so how can they be severe? But after starting full of joy and enthusiasm, I quickly acted naïve and stupid and chose to plunge into delusions full of frustration, depression, and confusion.

Self-criticism is that faint voice that addresses you from the inside and convinces you of the smallness of your potential. This voice tells you that you are stupid, old, unhealthy, or inexperienced and cannot achieve what you seek. This voice also makes noise in the depths of the psyche and imposes itself on one, and we often listen to it and believe it, so we give up and eventually withdraw.

Power of option

Interestingly, this voice is there to protect us, but you, as you can see, will stop trying when you listen to it. This voice tells you that you have no options, there is no need to try, and if you do not try, you will not fail, and who wants to feel the bitterness of failure? Therefore, we may think this voice provides an effective protection and safety system.

I didn't think I had a choice eight years ago when I was struggling with failure, fear, and inexperience. I allowed my inner voice to impact me and concluded that I was stupid and unprepared to launch a company from scratch. As a result, I decided not to try; instead, I chose to focus my energy on blaming others for the new company's failure.

I kept saying, “You don't understand, and my manager didn't give me any tools to help. There are already sellers in the United States that people prefer to deal with, and no one wants to buy what we offer, and we are a small fish that is easy to swallow in a large lake," in other words. I played the victim for a very long time, not realizing, at the time, that my first choice had been to keep doing so.

Because I didn't know what to do, I started pointing fingers at others, a state of mind that accompanies the role of the victim. This role is one of five options that are always available to you:

• Accepting reality.
• Changing reality.
• Changing your perception of reality.
• Ignoring reality.
• Continuing to play the role of victim.

When I became aware of them, the simplicity of choices—that is, having the awareness to remove our barriers—struck me. I even felt angry at the time because I did not believe in their simplicity. I did not want to learn them before that, but the fact that the majority of us are unaware of our options when we feel "trapped" because we focus on consequences rather than choices, and what influences our choices is the desire to achieve results or the fear of consequences.

I didn't realize this until several months later, but I handled all these options without feeling at all during the first months of BMW's launch.

Continuing to play the role of victim

I remained a victim of the situation throughout the period, which I blamed, and I made excuses for the failure of the company and its lack of opportunity to continue; it was clearly a stressful option. I spent long hours meeting potential clients and justified the company's failure without giving it or myself a chance to succeed. I was preparing the world to accept the company's failure without receiving blame or being considered a failure.

You can see the massive energy spent at that stage, although I do not regret that period. But I wonder what would have happened if I had used that energy to try to do anything to push the company's path forward instead of wasting my energy in those weeks thinking about the various ways in which the company could fail and thus building barriers to success.

It is the same idea I have when I go to the post office and wonder how different the employee's life would be behind the office if she smiled and chose to help me instead of expressing her resentment because I filled out the wrong document to renew my daughter's passport. Also, complaining about the incompetence of her customers must have exhausted her, so imagine if she put her energy into a new option.

What is interesting is that the role of the victim can serve you, but only if you have enough awareness to realize that you have made the choice. For example, when you follow a new routine that includes using the basement treadmill, you do not even wear your sneakers and pretend you are busy or tired.

In this case, you play the role of the victim and blame others, but if you make a conscious decision to sit on the couch one evening, eat sweets, and say to yourself: "I will enjoy these sweets tonight and exercise tomorrow," and you have the sincere intention, you must exercise the next night, and so you are aware of the role of the victim that serves you in this case because you enjoy it.

The key to benefiting from the role of the victim is awareness, perception, and tolerance, and here is the difference.

Ignorance

Ignoring reality is an earnest decision whose consequences must be considered before applying it, as many choose to ignore reality while they are evading it. Eight years ago, I withdrew from the company at some point. I thought it was a great option when I considered its consequences, which is that no one would blame me because I paved the way for playing the role of the victim and holding others responsible for failure (and it was not a limited liability company yet LLC).

I even contacted my manager in Munich to tell him that it was better to withdraw early from the company, but he wisely refused my resignation and told me, "Good try, but no, enjoy the weekend, and things will be fine on Monday." What he did deprived me of the choice, so I had to look for another option.

Eight years later, I still give my manager credit for being a wise leader, which I did not anticipate. My manager pointed out that I gave in to the "voice of internal criticism." I preferred to flee, a typical battle in which either escape or helpless behavior is practiced. I now fully understand that I would have regretted my decision greatly if I had already quit my job; even though it was a step I took, I would have regretted the results.

Accept the reality

We all say, "I am absolutely fine," when people inquire about our situation. When asked about a case, we typically respond that it is now in the past, but in reality, it still consumes our thoughts and depresses us.

A situation has reached the stage of actual acceptance when you feel forgiven or have no feelings regarding a topic or someone's behavior. When my manager took away my ability to "ignore," I quickly entered the acceptance stage and told myself, "If I can't quit work, I must succeed in it." (I believe I said these words aloud, but I'm not sure).

Changing your perception of reality

When someone overtakes you with their car, do you release insults as an initial reaction and spend about three minutes after the incident feeling angry, sweaty, and frustrated? If you said "yes," you are one of the 90% of people who automatically act this way.

However, how can this reaction benefit you? We know in our hearts that this person who passed us did not mean to bother us because they do not know us, and the issue is not personal. It is a passing event, but we start the stage of blaming (the role of the victim) for our feelings about the situation.

But let's imagine that after you were passed in a traffic jam, and after your blood pressure returned to normal, this person may be late for a job interview and spent ten months without work, or this person may be heading to the hospital because he just learned that his wife entered the delivery room.

There are various ways to interpret what happened, and considering a different angle alters reality and opens the door to a good decision or even new possibilities. Through communication, we can consider the other person's viewpoint, avoid disagreements, accept them, or adopt healthier behaviors.

I quickly accepted the situation when my manager forbade me from choosing to "let it go," but later, I changed my perspective and started to see the opportunity in front of me. I contacted a friend who was a CFO on that day, and within a week, I had secured a bank and accounting partner. Despite the modest progress, altering my course allowed for feelings of optimism to enter, which sparked a fresh, constructive step.

That is the magical process of making a decision when you are looking for an opportunity to break free from a lingering issue, and thoughts lead to feelings, and these lead to actions.

Have you ever asked your teen to wake up by scolding him in a “polite” way? We notice that this method rarely works. When you point to someone and order to perform a task, you will focus on acting in this situation, but when we succeed in changing someone's perspective on something, that person will want to behave on their will.

We can share a new idea by asking, “Did not I hear you saying that a new girl moved to school?" Here, instead of giving orders to the teenager, the teenager will think differently and feel that they have to wake up immediately because you told them to. Instead, you presented them with something new to think about, which is the secret.

The real secret is that we can do this ourselves when we feel powerless and have no options, or that something is happening to us and have no choice, as we can change our point of view, that is, think about the issue from another perspective and with new ideas, and although it is not easy. I can tell you confidently that this step changes the laws of the game and is the first step to change the situation for the better.

Changing reality

This option often seems the most difficult because of the consequences. Change requires effort and sometimes daring. When I chaired the HR performance management team several years ago, I had difficulty getting employees willing to try to change the reality because the result was sometimes terrifying to them.

Most of the time, the fear was that the outcome would be limited to three options: excellence, failure, or error. But in reality, the result could have been simply success or achieving something positive, as employees were more afraid than they wanted.

As for me, the desire to succeed overcame the fear of feeling embarrassed, losing money, or making mistakes. So, I ventured and tried some new products, and when it didn't work, I changed my perspective again.

I must tell you that this "success story" did not happen overnight and that the process of entering the victim's state, changing the point of view, accepting, and changing the reality was repeated over the years until I could control my existence. It became rare to play the role of victim, but the good news is that with practice, the processing of thoughts and feelings turns into a habit, and this is the best lesson in leadership that I learned or practiced.

Eight years ago, my difficulties consisted of lacking control over an issue and fear of failure. When you face your challenges, which, of course, you will face in your career, you may repeat the phrase "You do not understand, and I have no options," and if you hear yourself say this phrase, make sure that you are likely to choose to play the role of the victim, admit it, accept it, change your perspective, and then engage in changing reality.

You can't forget everything you just read. Now that I have the power to have a choice, I no longer have excuses, and every time I experience difficulty or feel powerless, I have to decide what to do. I accept it, change my perspective, and then change reality, but I still feel like a victim sometimes, and when I feel like it, I enjoy eating sweets and waiting for tomorrow because change is coming.