6 Tips to Help You Talk to Yourself Positively and Honestly

Negative thoughts are like a chain. Once you think of one negative idea, such as, “I am not good enough,” or “I messed up the presentation or the conversation,” these thoughts increase little by little. Hence, talking to yourself in affirmative terms helps you overcome these thoughts.

What is positive self-talk?

Clinical and forensic neuropsychologist Judy Ho says: “Positive self-talk means talking to yourself and treating yourself kindly and sympathetically, just as you treat someone you love.” This practice stems from positive psychology, which she defines as “the study of factors that make humans succeed and work to their full potential, the tendency to focus on strengths rather than just weaknesses, and the use of our strengths to solve the problems we face in life.”

Despite the benefits of positive self-talk, it is usually confused with "toxic positivity," or the tendency to get rid of negative emotions by seeking only good feelings. Still, this does not apply to positive self-talk. Psychologist Whitney Goodman says that positive self-talk is not about continuous positivity because this is not possible in reality and is also unhealthy. Instead, Whitney explains that a positive self-talk is a neutral approach and a means of interacting with your thoughts and feelings understandably.

“It does not mean that we are always going to feel good when we are talking to ourselves in positive terms or that it is going to be easy to feel that way. Sometimes, it is just so hard because you might face so many negative situations,” she says. Actually, repeated positive statements have no effect. So, you must talk to yourself realistically and effectively.

Positive self-talk is also about vision, with psychiatrist Kevin Gilliland saying that positive self-talk is a skill that you can develop as you gain a more understanding and appreciative vision that enables you to feel hopeful about the situation and optimism about it. Dr. Gilliland says: “When people suffer from depression, anxiety, or any psychological problem, they tend to develop a bias toward negativity, focus on impossible and elusive things, and ignore things that are encouraging or hopeful, but when they have a broader and more balanced outlook, they can see other, non-negative possibilities.”

Relationship between mental health and physical health:

We can't talk about mental health without discussing physical health as well. The two are connected and affect each other. Whitney says: "If you feel physically ill, you will experience some mental symptoms about this change, and you will likely make up a story about what is happening to you physically, and begin to explain the symptoms and signs and develop some emotions about the physical changes or experiences you are going through. So, people who suffer from physical diseases may also have psychological problems, such as depression and anxiety, either as a symptom or due to stress resulting from feeling physically ill."

The opposite is also true, says Dr. Gilliland. "It is common for people with mental illness to have physical symptoms, such as irritable bowel syndrome or sleep disorders, but fortunately, we have a lot of options - including positive self-talk - that help us manage our mental health, without undergoing counseling and medication.”

4 Benefits of Positive Self-Talk:

1. Acquire a new vision that helps us overcome difficult times:

Life can be challenging sometimes, and negative thoughts and pessimistic thinking usually make things harsher than they should be. When this happens, we don't look at things equitably. Still, positive self-talk can actually help us see the whole picture, which is crucial element when going through difficult times.

One of the benefits of practicing positive self-talk is that it helps you see certain situations from a new point of view. Whitney says: "Some people may fall into the trap of extreme thinking, that is, either everything is good or bad. However, through positive self-talk, we can see ambiguous situations. This flexibility allows us to reach out coping strategies and find what suits us."

2. Forming better relationships:

Positive self-talk affects our mental, emotional, and physical health. It may also affect our relationships. "When we can see the good in ourselves, we can see the good in others," Whitney says. "Being good about ourselves and knowing our own strengths allows us to empathize with others and seize opportunities to build new relationships."

3. Increase self-confidence and self-efficacy:

According to Dr. Judy, positive self-talk helps you build confidence and better control what happens in your life. In other words, you will feel that you are leading your life, not that it is leading you. Dr. Judy points out that people with greater self-esteem are more likely to achieve their goals and be realistic while doing so.

4. Alleviate feelings of loneliness:

When you talk to yourself in passive terms, you usually want to distance yourself from others because you feel ashamed or guilty, although this is the time when you need to support others. However, positive self-talk leads to the opposite effect. You feel positive and balanced, which makes it easier for you to stay in touch with your loved ones and the people who support you, and this communication and emotional support leads to the ability to deal with difficult situations.

6 tips to help you incorporate positive self-talk into your daily routine:

1. Make sure you talk to yourself correctly:

“When you are upset and melancholy,” Whitney says, “you may feel that the positive statements you make to yourself are untruthful or just lies, which makes them ineffective.”

For example, let's say that the positive phrase you speak to yourself daily is that you love your body. This sounds great, but in reality, there will be times when you don't feel like it, and then when you look in the mirror, and negative thoughts take over, it can be hard to believe this positive phrase.

So, Whitney recommends creating a more logical phrase, so you do not feel forced or faked. For example, replace “I love my body” with “I will try to show my love for my body” or “I try to love my body” because the more you feel true to what you say or feel, the less resistance your mind will accept. Remember that there is no one-size-fits-all phrase, so pick the words that appeal to you.

2. Change your behavior:

Saying  or thinking a positive thought is one thing, but supporting it with new behavior creates real change, so if you keep doing behaviors that don't align with what you're talking about to yourself, you won't benefit from these positive statements.

Using positive self-talk alone is only talk if you don't apply it, so Whitney recommends asking yourself this question: How can I apply this phrase? Or  how can I apply this talk? For  example, if your positive statement is to work on loving your body, what daily actions will you take to show your love for your body?

3. Start positive self-talk on one topic:

If you've tried a new habit before, you know that change is difficult. Trying to change a lot of things at once - no matter how ambitious you are – usually becomes a failure. So, instead of trying to make a complete change in your self-talk at once, Whitney suggests focusing on just one aspect of your life that you want to improve, such as self-love, health, wellness, or trust.

Start with the aspect where you were hardest on yourself, then think about how you would prefer to feel about this aspect and come up with positive statements related to this endeavor. Also, do not forget to make these statements that you repeat to yourself realistic and honest where you build a positive talk with yourself momentum, like most healthy habits. So, once you start talking to yourself about a specific aspect, it will be easier to address the other factors.

4. Collect all data without making judgments:

Another way to apply positive self-talk is to get used to collecting all the data about the situation first without making a judgment. “When we are going through a difficult time, we tend to be biased towards things that don't work, or what we can't do, ” says Dr. Gillilland. So, collecting all the data, not just the bad parts, gives us a more balanced view that may enable us to see things clearer so that we can understand the actions we need to take. Although this step alone will not change the situation, changing your point of view and vision will make a big difference in how you feel and act.

5. Doubt Your Thoughts:

Remember that ideas are not necessarily facts, even if they seem right. So, when you think of a negative idea, ask yourself whether the idea is complete, accurate, and balanced. If your answer is “no” to any of these parts, you may have to reconsider these ideas. In fact, it's about realizing that ideas are just mental events and nothing more.

To build a more complete, accurate, and balanced idea, Dr. Judy suggests using a “yes, but” technique, such as saying, “Yes, I have not finished this big project yet, but I have made great progress, and I can continue,” or, “Yes, 2020 was a tough year, but I also spent a lot of time alone, which allowed me to focus on my safety.”

6. Seek the specialist help:

If you have a hard time integrating positive self-talk, seek help from an expert, such as a therapist or psychiatrist. Dr. Jody says: “Sometimes negative self-talk can be so deep that it causes depression or anxiety that it becomes necessary to have the support of a professional to work through some of these strategies more and more deeply.”

Dr. Gilliland says that working with someone helps you gain a broader vision that may be missing, and may contribute to pointing out aspects or options that our brain ignores because of anxiety, stress, or depression.

In conclusion:

Positive self-talk is about treating and speaking to yourself with love, empathy, and kindness and seeing the whole picture without focusing only on your mistakes. A more balanced approach is very helpful, especially if positive self-talk does not have an efficient impact. In the end, do not let one bad day determine the shape of your life, but let the best days of your life do it.