Unmasking Mind Games in Relationships
Social relationships are full of complex mind games. These games involve partners in sensitive strategies, often seen as calculated and conscious attempts by one partner to manipulate the other. Love in these games is just a pretentious mask.
Understanding the nature and consequences of these games illuminates the complexities of relationships and facilitates proficient management of psychological challenges. This article examines this complex issue and offers strategies for handling it in order to maintain solid social and marital relationships.
What Are Mind Games?
Simply put, mind games are deliberate attempts on the part of one partner to manipulate the other. These manipulative tactics are disguised as love gestures, making the games strategic foundations for deceit, confusion, and making the other person feel powerless.
At first, they seem subtle and cunning, and the person playing them often:
- Tries to subjugate you.
- Plays the victim.
- Exhibits passive-aggressive behaviour.
Why do people engage in such behaviour in the first place, and how can you know if someone is playing these games with you? Here are some cues and indicators to help you identify this harmful behaviour.
Why Do People Use Mind Games in Relationships?
Engaging in mind games involves a form of brainwashing. Someone can act as though they adore and love you one minute, and then the next, they make you feel unworthy of their affection. Why do they do this?
1. They Want to Take Full Control
Power conflicts arise in all relationships. When the natural dynamics of a relationship are disrupted, it can lead to abuse of power. In a relationship built around mind games, one partner will eventually attempt to assert control. They lack control over other aspects of their lives, which is one reason why they do this.
2. They Are Selfish and Lack Self-Esteem
Arrogant people exude the aura of high self-esteem; however, this is not true at all. Most people struggling with self-esteem issues have an inflated ego.
Part of them believes they don’t deserve anything, while another part thinks they are extraordinary. These are some ways low self-esteem manifests in relationships.
3. They Have a Tragic Past
The most cunning people in these manipulative games might have had a traumatic past and have walled themselves in. They try to control the dynamics of the relationship to protect themselves. Their decisions are driven by fear and doubt.
They strive to be completely sure about you before deciding whether to trust you. They tread carefully when it comes to taking things seriously with you because they are afraid of getting hurt.
4. They Want You to Chase Them
Some people are obsessed with the thrill of the chase. This behaviour stems from either vanity or psychological pain. It’s one of the worst traits to have and a clear sign you’re in a toxic relationship.
5. They Are Narcissists
Narcissists are manipulative at all times. They want to use you as their scapegoat; therefore, they will manipulate and control you. A narcissist will find a weakness and keep exploiting it. They will continuously test you to see how much more you can take. They do this so subtly that you might not realise they’re targeting you. They will get you to trust them, and then they will get you to cut ties with others.
How Can Mind Games Ruin Your Relationship?
Have you ever felt like arguments with your partner always end in the same unproductive way? Have you wondered why discussions seem to follow the same pattern?
This is because we take on certain roles in relationships for particular types of interactions.
Certain conversations might set off particular sentiments and thoughts, which can then lead to actions that are influenced by our past experiences. The behavioural response follows patterns we’ve established throughout our lives and has become automatic in adulthood.
One typical instance is when you act like your parents or your partner acts like a child during an argument. If you both fall into parent-child roles, the argument can end poorly, leaving both of you feeling angry or powerless.
Finding the exact triggers and strategies that are involved in these dynamics and games is not always simple. We usually have a hazy understanding of these dynamics since they typically take place outside of our conscious mind.
What Are Mind Games and Why Do We Play Them?
The concept of "mind games" was first presented by transactional analysis, a psychological paradigm that focuses on individual interactions, personality structure, and human development. A "game" is a sequence of exchanges or exchanges between people that lead to a predictable outcome and are typically practiced for emotional payoff.
These games often hide a hidden motive and end dramatically, usually leading to a negative payoff, which reinforces the practitioner's identity or helps them avoid situations or feelings they fear.
For example, the hidden motive might be to avoid responsibility and genuine connection in a relationship. Ultimately, these mind games play a crucial role in keeping people around them who fulfil their specific needs.
How Can You Spot Mind Games?
In 1968, psychiatrist Stephen Karpman devised a psychological and social model of human interactions called the "Drama Triangle." This model demonstrates how some roles are destructively played out, pushing people to engage in conflictual behaviour.
The "Drama Triangle" highlights the interplay between responsibility and power during conflicts and the destructive, shifting roles people play.
Roles in Mind Games
Manipulators shift from one role to another to achieve their game's payoff. These roles include:
1. The Victim
They feel hopeless and powerless, often saying or thinking, "Look at what you made me do." They instinctively look for a "persecutor" to blame when playing this role.
2. The Persecutor
They take on this role in order to prevent becoming victims, often thinking or saying, "Can't you see what you did? Take that!" They believe others are often wrong and they frequently feel angry.
3. The Saviour
They help others even when they don’t truly want to and weren’t asked to. They never ask for what they really want and they inadvertently undermine others' skills by helping them because they think they are incapable of helping themselves.
Tips to Stop Playing Mind Games
All these roles are inauthentic, as they respond to something from the past—old learned strategies—rather than to what is truly happening with the person in front of them.
1. Raise Awareness
Building a manipulation-free relationship requires thinking, feeling, and acting in line with the real present moment.
The key to genuine connection in a relationship starts with gaining awareness of your own "games." Ask yourself, "Is what I'm feeling right now connected to my past?" or "Am I exaggerating some aspects of reality while hiding others?"
2. Be Open to Different Perspectives
The second crucial step is to consider other options and the various reasons behind your partner's behaviour or lack thereof. You should explore alternative ways to act consciously, stepping out of the game and the roles of victim/persecutor/saviour.
Tips for Dealing with a Manipulative Partner
Managing people who play mind games can be confusing and draining. However, if you still value your relationship with them, you can use strategies to help them become better people.
Explain how their behaviours make you feel in a clear and accurate manner. Don't forget to support your point with relevant examples of the mind games they play. Make sure they apologise and promise to behave better. Understand that change may take some time, but it’s worth the wait if they put in the effort.
It might be time to think about calling it quits on the relationship if your partner won't take responsibility for their actions. Staying with them and hoping they will change could take a long time, so you must either be patient or choose to move on.
Likewise, if you decide to move on without them, talk to friends and family to build a strong support system. You can also consult with a therapist or psychologist to help you get through this phase.
In Conclusion
Relationship mind games may leave you feeling depressed, disposable, and unworthy. People who use them do so to control others, often because they are dissatisfied with themselves.
It's easier to determine whether a relationship is good for you if you can spot the warning signals of psychological manipulation. You also deserve to feel appreciated and accomplished.