Defend Your Personal Boundaries to Regain Control of Your Life

Have you ever harbored resentment toward a friend or acquaintance? It's not that you hate them, but you avoid taking their calls because it irritates and confuses you to see them, or even just their number on your phone screen.

You avoid them because they are demanding people, and you can't refuse their requests. However, you don't want them to think poorly of you or lose your relationship with them, so you fulfill all their requests at any cost, which costs you to create chaos in your life.

You could try writing the word "no" in big, legible letters on a piece of paper and sticking it on your desk as an encouragement reminder to say no the next time someone asks for something.

Boundaries can be misleading. We might not recognize that our lack of boundaries is the root cause of unhappiness and inefficiency. As a result, you find it simpler to blame others for your disarray, your resentment, or your distractions, but the truth is that we’re in charge.

Property Boundaries

Understanding what we can and cannot control is the key to being in charge. Professor, business consultant, psychologist, and leadership coach John Townsend and Professor Henry Cloud co-authored the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. He says the best way to define a boundary is to consider it a property line.

He says, “It’s a demarcation in our lives between those things we are responsible for and those we can’t be responsible for. For example, you and I are responsible for our careers, and we might want to help each other and support each other, but we can’t take on each other’s careers—or our feelings, our relationships, our money or our time.”

We can determine the areas we can choose once we determine what is under our control. According to Townsend, our attempts to take responsibility instead of someone else and trespass on their property lead to issues and dysfunctional relationships.

This trespassing on others' property may give them great help and a big favor, as with the friend who always calls you for help. However, other times, they may take credit for your effort.

Therapist and author Anne Katherine, who wrote Boundaries Where You End And I Begin and Boundaries in an Over-connected World: Setting Limits to Preserve Your Focus, Privacy, Relationships, and Sanity, says: “There are so many distractions. We risk being sidetracked from what matters most to us.”

Don't think momentarily that a lack of boundaries won't affect you or your productivity. Katherine advises us to conduct a self-assessment to determine how far we have deviated from our true priorities. She says, “Take a look at how straight a line you follow in terms of what matters to you. What are your three favorite things to do? How long should it take on all three? Put those into your schedule for this week and next week. Check back; what got in your way if you didn’t do them?”

Clinical psychologist Cloud recently published his book Boundaries for Leaders: Results, Relationships, and Being Ridiculously in Charge, and we can only introduce you to the adage, “If everything is important, nothing is.” In his latest book, he says it best, “As a leader, you always get what you create and what you allow.”

Why Do We Overstep Others' Boundaries?

Why does it feel so hard to refuse a friend's request when you know fully that you are in charge of your emotions and time? Why do you let them make you feel obligated to put their needs ahead of your priorities?

Townsend states, “There are three reasons we don't set boundaries. The first is that we're afraid of the relationship failing. This is explained by neuroscience, which holds that humans are very relational beings who care about others and want others to care back. Relationship problems arise when you are with someone who gets angry easily and withdraws from you when they are rejected. Nobody wants to go through this painful experience.”

We conclude here that the first reason preventing us from setting and enforcing boundaries is our fear of losing that friend. This fear is undoubtedly one of the reasons you aren't able to refuse their request, particularly if you fear their estrangement.

Townsend continues, “The second reason that prevents us from setting boundaries is the difficult-to-handle fear of others' retaliation against us when we reject them.” When we refuse certain people's requests, they may become defensive, angry, and resentful, leading to a tantrum. Townsend comments, “None of us wants to go through such an experience, whether at work or in personal life, because we do not want to cause others' discomfort. For all these reasons, we resort to what psychologists call conflict-avoidant behaviors.”

Townsend considers a relationship where we are extremely cautious as an example of applying conflict-avoidant behavior, which is a tool we use when we do not want to provoke someone and bear the consequences. Also, he refers to it as a relationship where we do not defend our boundaries or do not set them in the first place.

The third reason for neglecting our boundaries is guilt. We all feel somehow responsible for not hurting others, sometimes to the point of exaggeration. We may convince ourselves that we don't want to turn down someone's request because we don't want to undermine their confidence, or as leaders, we might be afraid of upsetting and demoralizing our team members.

You can be certain that one or more of the reasons above contribute to your hatred toward those who control you, impose themselves excessively, or make you do what they want.

Setting Boundaries

One relationship theory states, “If you feel uncomfortable just by seeing a certain person, this indicates a deeper problem that needs to be addressed.” In other words, we spend a lot of time avoiding issues like boundaries and self-responsibility because we find it hard to defend ourselves when people throw fits if we disagree with them. Also, it's hard to set limits for people we think are weak.

Having the guts to set and uphold boundaries is crucial for our safety and self-esteem and for fostering positive relationships with others. As a result, you must first identify the things you can and cannot change. “The brain loves control and performs better when things are under its control,” advises Cloud. “Therefore, concentrate on the controllable things with guaranteed results.”

Also, you should seek supportive people. This does not imply taking a negative stand; instead, it just means that we need to feel others' support and encouragement when we make uncertain decisions, whether in our personal or professional lives.

Townsend advises, “Find a friend who encourages you to take the step you dare not take alone, which is to refuse people's requests that you see no way out. You will find that the person's defensive posture and refusal to speak with you are not as bad as you had anticipated. This is because having friends by our sides primes our minds to be resilient enough to endure the detrimental effects of establishing boundaries with others.”

Katherine advises people who fear losing someone because they don't agree with them or won't comply with their requests to consider that a relationship where boundaries are not respected is doomed to fail. For example, someone may try to mold your opinion to fit their political or religious vision. You may initially be offended and eventually become so tired of that friend's behavior that you no longer want to be around them. Therefore, setting boundaries is essential if you want to keep your relationship or risk losing their friendship.

Additionally, Katherine advises us to consider if we are hurting ourselves by focusing on others' feelings while ignoring our own. When we claim that we don't want to offend a friend or coworker by setting boundaries, we must consider if our intense empathy for them fuels our animosity. To have some freedom in our lives, we must accept the possibility that we might irritate them.

Townsend says, “Fear of conflict is another common obstacle that prevents us from moving forward. We all lack conflict resolution skills because we have not had a role model to teach us how to deal with conflict. Also, I have noticed that my coaching clients benefit from role-playing by talking to a trusted friend.”

Try to embody the character who says no to friends and causes their displeasure, and allow yourself to worry about their reaction. Saying things like “I cannot do that for you” or “I will fulfill your request when I finish my work” won't harm your relationships with others, and you'll develop a strong belief in your mind that will give you the courage to take this step if you face such situations in real life.

You may feel sorry for your friends because they are not sociable enough, or you may fear that your refusal will cause them depression and loneliness. But do not worry about them. They should not be acting so weakly, as getting stronger and accepting responsibility is up to them.

Although others might occasionally be angry or disappointed with you, this won't negatively affect their lives. We instill in our minds the belief that people are weaker than they truly are. Conversely, we need to respect the people in our lives and believe in their ability to adjust and be flexible.

Enjoying Your Space

When you are excessively bound to comply with others' requests, you'll notice an improvement in your relationship upon refusal, in addition to the substantial amount of freedom it gives you. This allows you to reclaim your wasted time to invest in important matters, pursue your goals, and fulfill commitments you previously neglected to satisfy others' requests.

One benefit of this approach is that it gives us more freedom by setting clear boundaries, increasing our energy, and sparking our creativity. It's amazing how letting go of co-dependent relationships and the obsession with pleasing people and their needs can help you regain the energy drained by your work and relationships. Also, creating new, healthy relationships is another benefit of setting boundaries. As Townsend says, “Psychologically healthy people prefer to be around those who respect boundaries, while the unhealthy ones ignore them. Once you start setting your boundaries, you will discover who your true friends are and form healthier friendships. All these advantages enhance trust, improve communication, and increase productivity.”

Also, leaders get twofold advantages, as their team members are happier and their leadership is strengthened. Though addressing your incompleteness is the first step on the leadership ladder, we frequently fail to see the connection between our issues and our leadership.

Imagine yourself as a boat sailing towards various goals or missions, pushed by winds in two different directions. One lets you see how well your mission is accomplishing your objectives or carrying out your plans, which is what leaders only pay attention to. The other direction involves the relationships you leave behind, those related to how people feel about the mission and you after reaching the goal.

Leaders with integrity achieve positive results in both directions, not just by focusing on work-related tasks.

Townsend says, “Refusal or confrontation has become frightening for some people because they have grown so accustomed to agreeing. So, it's best to start with small steps. If you cannot decline someone's request—such as attending a meeting—be sure to select a suitable time for you. If you think it's impolite to continue working after someone asks you for something, then schedule an hour for yourself to relax. Start with small actions to uphold your boundaries. When you are confident of others' love for you and that no one will be hurt, your boundaries will expand, and your productivity will increase.”