Self-Sabotage: Why You Hold Yourself Back

Self-sabotaging behavior refers to intentional actions (or inactions) by people that hinder their progress and prevent them from achieving their goals. Self-sabotage occurs when people hinder their own success.

Although it may seem surprising, some people wallow in their good intentions and long-term goals. When they take these destructive steps, their harmful behavior negatively impacts most aspects of their lives, including their relationships and careers.

This article discusses why people engage in self-sabotaging behaviors, provides some examples of self-sabotage, and addresses steps you can take to stop hindering your own success.

What are the causes of self-sabotaging behavior?

People hinder their progress for a variety of reasons. They may commit acts of intentional or unintentional self-sabotage. The reasons range from childhood issues to the effects of previous relationships. Other reasons for this type of destructive behavior include a lack of self-confidence, adjustment problems, and cognitive inconsistency problems, which will be explained below.

Self-sabotage is often a coping mechanism people use to deal with stressful situations and past traumas. Unfortunately, it usually makes things worse and limits a person's ability to move forward healthily.

Intentional and unintentional self-sabotage

People who self-sabotage may be aware of their actions. For example, someone might intentionally sabotage their good efforts when they are overweight and on a diet by eating an entire tub of ice cream.

1. A difficult childhood

Growing up in an unhealthy family contributes to acts of self-sabotage. You may have an ambivalent or avoidant attachment style without a secure attachment style. Your first interaction with caregivers affects how you relate to others. If your parents told you growing up that you would never achieve much, you may deliberately disable yourself until you fail.

2. Difficulties in relationships

If your ex had constantly criticized you, you would have felt weak. They may say they were wasting time trying to advance with someone like you. Now, you're in a great relationship but cheating on your partner or breaking up with them for no reason. You don't feel like you're enough or are afraid of being disappointed again.

Based on a study on self-sabotage, 15 romantic relationship psychiatrists in Australia recognized the main issues that contribute to the prevalence of self-sabotage in romantic relationships. The causes include:

• Insecure attachment styles.
• Low self-esteem.
• Fear of being harmed.
• Fear of engagement.
• Unhealthy beliefs about relationships.
• Adjustment problems regarding matters of the heart and emotions.

3. Low self-esteem

People who have a negative self-image and low self-esteem are particularly vulnerable to self-sabotaging behavior, behaving in ways that confirm negative beliefs about themselves. So, if they are about to succeed, they become uncomfortable.

They have been told their whole lives that they will fail, or sometimes they have told themselves their whole lives that they will fail. Self-sabotaging behavior helps confirm that they are right.

4. Cognitive discrepancy

People who exhibit this behavior suffer from cognitive inconsistency, or mental dissatisfaction, that may occur when holding two contradictory ideas simultaneously. Human beings like their beliefs and actions to be consistent.

For example, you may marry a wonderful person but come from an unhealthy family. Your father passed away, and your mother moved from one bad relationship to another. So, you don't believe in a stable, loving marriage, yet you still plan the wedding.

Here's a business-related example. You're about to attract a great client and make more money than ever before. Instead of doing what it takes to push yourself forward, you hold back because you don't feel worthy. So, you go out partying the night before the client meeting and miss the entire appointment.

Instead of moving forward, you take action to ruin things for yourself. Self-sabotage leads to constant struggles with food, alcohol, drugs, gambling, and self-harm. This destructive behavior deprives people of their motivation and makes them vulnerable to anxiety.

Signs of self-sabotage

Self-sabotage manifests itself differently in each person and depends largely on context. Here are some signs you might relate to:

• Procrastination.
• Avoiding responsibilities, even if it's because of "forgetfulness."
• Breaking promises or not keeping appointments.
• Lack of preparation.
• Disharmony between your desires and actions.
• Being late for important appointments or meetings.
• Alcohol or drug abuse.
• Giving up when things get tough.

Examples of self-destructive behavior

• You have an important job interview in the morning, but you stay out late at night with your friends.
• Your family pays for your college, but you fail the entrance exam because you didn't prepare for it.
• You want to get married and start a family but choose an emotionally unavailable partner.

Five signs of self-sabotage

Self-sabotage is not an intrinsic condition, but it may be a sign of several things. Here are some signs of self-sabotage:

1. Impostor Syndrome

If you suffer from feelings of self-doubt or beliefs that you do not have enough talent due to impostor syndrome, you may lose control rather than risk having someone discover that you are an “impostor.” Of course, this is untrue, but you may feel that way despite your instruction, experience, and accomplishments.

2. Hesitation

Hesitation refers to having conflicting feelings about someone or something, being unsure of the next step or decision to make, feeling like you are in a difficult situation, and exhibiting self-sabotaging behavior in your attempt to escape so that you do not find yourself facing a difficult decision.

3. Fear of success

A person may self-sabotage for fear of being successful. Keischa Pruden, a licensed psychologist in Ahoskie, North Carolina, says: “This may sound strange, but with success comes more responsibilities and risks, and the person may fear the additional pressure of success.”

4. Fear of the opinion of others

A person may self-sabotage to avoid the pressure of others' expectations. "Subconsciously, a person may fear rejection or ridicule from friends or family members if they do not achieve their goals," Pruden says. In some people, this pressure may lead to thoughts or behaviors that lead to self-sabotage.

5. Avoid emotional pain

Self-sabotage reduces the risks of dealing with discomfort, according to Jocelyn Patterson, a licensed mental health counselor in Sarasota, Florida. “Self-sabotage offers us this easy escape from saying, ‘This wasn’t my destiny,’ instead of staying with the uncomfortable feeling,” she says. “Not achieving our goals was our own mistake,” she adds. “No one likes to feel regret, embarrassment, or shame. Even if our actions were conscious, we feel better when saying, ‘It was my choice not to have that opportunity.’”

How to stop self-sabotage?

If you are dealing with a psychologist or counselor, the best advice for you is to turn to them for guidance. If you want to learn how to stop this negative behavior, here are some things to keep in mind to avoid causing further harm:

1. Explore the root causes

Look for patterns in your life. Have you been prone to derailing your good efforts over and over again? Did these actions happen before you were successful or when you were close to achieving your personal desires? This behavior may result from childhood, and some parents - either from a lack of knowledge or for fear of disappointing their children - warn their children not to think too big, perhaps saying: “Who are you to think you can go to such-and-such college? You should work like us.”

2. Stop procrastinating

A common behavior that self-saboteurs exhibit is procrastination. If you are putting off something important to you, it may be easier emotionally than achieving a goal you were told you wouldn't reach.

The discrepancy between your current situation and what you have been taught over the years may cause you unbearable discomfort, so you self-sabotage.

3. Stop looking only at the big picture

When you strive for something big, such as becoming your business's best-seller, the big goal will exhaust you. To avoid acts of self-sabotage, do not get attached to minute details, as those who self-sabotage sometimes waste a lot of time on unimportant details.

For example, don't make all-or-nothing resolutions if you're trying to live a healthy lifestyle. Don't give up if you miss a workout for a week. Start again the next week. Make small, incremental changes and do them slowly. This way, you may prevent your mind from corrupting you and take small, incremental actions that do not derail you.

4. Completely stop thinking about perfection

People who sabotage themselves are often fixated on perfection. You may think about every detail, and everything should be perfect. Strive for excellence, not perfection. Make small improvements and see progress toward achieving the desired goal.

5. Remember that self-sabotage takes effort

This negative behavior consumes time and requires a lot of effort, and the latest research indicates that self-sabotage requires many resources. A study conducted by researchers at Indiana University and published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology provided contradictory results.

People who wake up early self-sabotage more often. Morning people and those who tend to stay up late sabotage themselves more at night.

This means that they undermined their performance not when they were tired but when they had the maximum mental resources at their disposal. So, it takes a lot of energy to continue this behavior, and it may lead to unhealthy results.

In conclusion

Self-sabotage emerges as a behavioral pattern that hinders personal progress, endangers goals, and is accompanied by deep causes that fluctuate between childhood influences and current psychological tensions.

By understanding the roots and causes, we can take steps towards overcoming this harmful behavior, such as analyzing the causes, getting rid of procrastination, and avoiding thinking fully about perfection. Individuals can motivate themselves towards personal growth and success.

It shows awareness that self-sabotage requires great effort, but understanding this reality opens the doors of opportunity and personal improvement, and this helps to build a more fulfilling life and achieve future ambitions.