Letting Go of Grudges: Embrace Forgiveness for Your Own Well-being

One day, I found myself angry at myself for being too forgiving. I remember telling my friend that I would hurt everyone before they could hurt me, and I even planned to treat others the way I had been treated. This troubled my friend, and he said, "You can't do that." I replied, "Why not?" and he replied, "Because you're not like them." In fact, this sentence has changed my mind.

After a few minutes of contemplation, I realized that I wasn't angry at those who had hurt me. Instead, I chose not to blame myself for what had happened, as it wasn't my fault. So, I forgave myself and decided to forgive them.

Forgiveness Doesn't Mean Overlooking or Forgetting

According to psychologists, forgiveness is a conscious and deliberate choice to let go of feelings of anger or resentment towards a person or group who has harmed us, regardless of whether it is deserved or not.

Forgiveness doesn't mean hiding or denying the seriousness of the wrongdoing committed by someone against us, and likewise, forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting, making excuses, or turning a blind eye to someone's actions.

It's true that forgiveness is beneficial in helping you repair a damaged relationship, but it is not an obligation to reconcile with someone who has caused you significant harm, nor does it mean exempting them from any form of legal accountability.

Many of us believe that forgiveness is a kind and merciful act towards someone who has treated us poorly, and this is true. It brings us numerous great benefits, even if we may not feel them initially.

How Can Forgiveness Be Beneficial to Us?

Forgiveness grants you inner liberation and peace of mind. While there is debate about whether genuine forgiveness requires positive feelings toward the wrongdoer, most experts believe that forgiveness involves releasing deep negative emotions, allowing you to acknowledge the pain you've experienced without letting it change you. Instead, you can heal from it and move forward in your life.

Decades of research have shown immense personal benefits that can be gained through forgiving someone. Here are some of the most compelling ways that forgiveness is beneficial for us, our personal relationships, our jobs, and our communities:

1. Forgiveness Makes Us Happier

Indeed, research indicates that happy individuals are more inclined to forgive others. Additionally, forgiving others can lead people to experience happiness, especially when they forgive someone with whom they had a close relationship at some point in their lives. This connection between happiness and forgiveness underscores the positive impact of forgiveness on our emotional well-being and the quality of our relationships.

2. Forgiveness and Mental Well-Being

Forgiveness plays a significant role in protecting mental health. Even individuals who forgive those around them and their past experiences often notice a substantial improvement in anxiety, depression, and feelings of hope. It is said that forgiveness can also help prevent suicide. This highlights how forgiveness can have a positive impact on mental well-being and even be a powerful tool in promoting mental health and preventing serious issues like suicide.

3. Forgiveness and Physical Well-Being

 Forgiveness helps improve our physical health as well. Our heart rate and blood pressure increase when we hold onto grudges and ruminate on them, and these stress effects can be detrimental to our bodies. When we forgive, our stress levels decrease, protecting us from the harmful health side effects of harboring resentment. Additionally, grudges can compromise our immune system, making our bodies less capable of fighting off diseases when we refuse to forgive.

4. Forgiveness in Marital Relationships

In a marriage, forgiving your spouse can strengthen the relationship and increase satisfaction. Couples who are less vengeful and more forgiving are better at effectively resolving conflicts within marriage. However, when the more forgiving spouse in the marriage is constantly subjected to mistreatment by their partner, it can lead to a breakdown in the relationship.

5. Forgiveness and Charity

Forgiveness helps you feel more positively towards the person who hurt you and enhances feelings of connection and kindness. Those who are more tolerant are also more inclined to donate money to charities or volunteer, making you feel more connected to people.

6. Forgiveness in Children

Forgiveness in children and teenagers leads to higher well-being. For example, children who experience bullying but practice forgiveness despite the aggression and anger they endure show significant improvements in their grades and empathy toward others. This doesn't mean, however, that bullying should ever be tolerated or considered a normal occurrence.

7. Forgiveness in Workplace

Employees who practice forgiveness reduce tension in their work relationships, making them more productive and taking fewer sick days. So, you can say that forgiveness is excellent in the workplace, especially since you spend most of your life there.

Self-forgiveness is something we should learn to practice. In addition to improving our relationships with others, it also helps improve our mental and physical health.

How to Forgive Someone Who Hurt You?

1. Understand That It's Okay to Feel Anger or Annoyance

Most of us like to feel that we are in control of our emotions, and it is said that we give others power over us when we feel frustrated or annoyed by their actions. However, part of the ability to forgive lies in not shifting the blame from others to ourselves.

Instead, we should know that it is normal to feel what we feel. If someone mistreats us, it will have a negative emotional impact on us. Choosing forgiveness helps us move forward and stop controlling our emotions from now on.

2. Ask Yourself Whether Holding onto Anger Is Harmful or Helpful

It is natural and necessary to feel anger over something someone has done to us, but we must ask ourselves whether holding onto this anger, in the long run, helps us or harms us. Clinging to grudges can cause more harm than good, even if it provides a temporary sense of satisfaction.

Therefore, letting go of these negative feelings and not holding onto them is the first step towards empowering ourselves to move forward. There are many positive things awaiting us in the future, so we must free ourselves from the burden of past pains to fully embrace them.

3. Decide to Forgive Those Who Wronged You

Sometimes, forgiveness can be relatively easy. So don't overthink it and try to forgive. We've grown weary of those feelings, emotions, and negative thoughts about what happened. Therefore, before it leads to sadness, depression, or vengeful thoughts, we should immediately decide to forgive.

For most people, the decision to forgive occurs when we realize that we have allowed what happened to affect our mood and decision-making logic. It's a way to take control of the situation and not allow it to control us.

4. Recognize That You Don't Need to Justify Someone's Negative Behavior Towards You

Many of us hold onto grudges because we feel that forgiving means letting the wrongdoer "get away with it." However, forgiveness does not exempt you from addressing the aggressive behavior displayed by someone. It is more like forgiving yourself, not necessarily others.

5. Remind Yourself of The Importance of The Person You're Forgiving

Depending on your closeness to the person and your history together, you may seriously consider why you want a relationship with this individual. The only way to move forward and have a meaningful relationship is through forgiveness.

Sometimes, we can be stubborn and feel entitled to hold onto our angry feelings. However, it is incredibly beneficial for our mental and physical health to forgive. For example, Rachel went through a period of depression when she suddenly lost her father in a tragic accident. During her darkest days, she became emotionally hurtful, and her husband Thomas tried everything to calm her, but she directed her anger and frustration toward him.

This led to a significant rift in their relationship. However, Thomas chose to forgive and both of them worked on repairing their relationship. Thomas loved Rachel, valued their marriage, and wanted to take serious steps to make things work and overcome obstacles.

6. Set Healthy Boundaries

We've all dealt with relatives or friends who do hurtful things. Some of them speak their minds without apologizing. However, we must also realize that we can't make everyone happy, and we shouldn't try to do so. It's better to establish healthy boundaries. When we guard our hearts, we can practice forgiveness without giving the person the opportunity to hurt us again.

For example, you invited your cousin's son to your home for dinner, and while he was at your house, he sneaked into your bedroom and stole some of your jewelry. He's your cousin's son, and you grew up together, so you chose to forgive him. However, remember, you're never obligated to invite him to your home again.

7. Forgive Yourself

One of the most challenging things we can do is learn how to forgive ourselves. It's a powerful and effective form of self-care. Often, we mentally and emotionally beat ourselves up over the mistakes made by others against us. We simply don't understand how we could have let this happen to us, why we didn't see the warning signs, or why we didn't listen when others tried to warn us.

In Conclusion

Remember that you forgive because you want to move forward, not because the person deserves it. You know that what they did to you was inappropriate and wrong in some cases, but you have chosen to cleanse your heart. Again, you are not justifying the actions that happened to you, but you are accepting them and reconciling with them, and that's very different.