Judging Ourselves Right

Being judgmental is a fact of life. We always judge others, and quite frankly this makes us all worse off.

That girl standing in line and wearing artificial nails has bad taste. That driver who passed you on the highway is a bad one, too. And that woman complaining about her husband must have a bad home life, and my life is definitely not like hers.

All of the above are judgments on others, but before we make them, we need to judge ourselves first. We judge ourselves harsher than anyone else in the world. We represent that girl with artificial nails, that driver, and that woman with a tough life. We're just like those people we judge, and yet we do that. In fact, it's us who decide that we don't deserve respect, and that we need to feel very ashamed and sorry.

We all judge ourselves, there's no denying it, and there's nothing we can do to prevent it. Self-judgment is inevitable. Therefore, if we can't stop it, how can we use it to our advantage? And how can we change the pattern and judge ourselves positively, rather than in the default negative way? The answer is to judge yourself according to the effort you make, not to the results you achieve.

Why do we judge ourselves and others?

Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, judging ourselves is a natural response. This can alleviate the feeling of loneliness. Lonely people need friends to ease this feeling. We judge ourselves and others because of two main factors in psychology:

1. The instinct to survive.
2. The need for quick decision making.

Let's take a look at each reason:

1. The instinct to survive:

According to "Psychology Today", humans have a natural instinct related to the need to survive. This makes us defensive, judgmental, and unreliable. Your desire to pass judgment stems from an evolutionary trait developed by ancestors over hundreds of thousands of years.

Therefore, the first reason for making judgments is the survival instinct. It's a way to help us stay cautious and alert when we meet certain people or face certain situations. We are social beings, and we have evolved with the concept that social dominance is equivalent to power.

So, when you judge others - even though you may not realize it - you're desperate to find a loophole in the other person, and convince yourself that you're achieving social excellence. You're effectively destroying someone in your mind so that you feel dominant and special.

2. The need for quick decision making:

Our  default desire to judge others doesn't stop there. Another evolutionary trait is that we need to make quick decisions. A bad decision can negatively affect us, and it is no more than social shame or anxiety. These were fateful feelings when we relied on a tribe of 100 people, but that's not the case today.

Therefore, the second reason for making judgments is the instinct of survival as well, but it's a bit different from the first one. We need to assess attitudes and take action quickly to survive. Hence, judging someone more quickly is not only practical, but also more useful from an evolutionary perspective. We cram people into narrow criteria so that we can understand them more efficiently.

That's why we judge people, and why stereotypes work. It's safer for us to assume that all the gang members are murderers, rather than asking each one of them if they want to kill you.

But here lies the main problem because not all of the gang members are murderers. Some of them may be kind-hearted, and they became a member of that gang because they didn't have any support at home. However, the default is to judge everyone so that we feel socially superior, and that we'll live longer and with less risk.

Why is self-judgment inevitable?

We don't have anyone to blame but our ancestors, do we? All  the bad feelings we have for people are caused by survival instincts. However, if survival is positive, then why do we negatively judge ourselves? This may sound illogical. Well, maybe, but it doesn't mean we're going to stop. We judge ourselves by the same qualities of survival and for similar reasons.

1. The instinct to survive:

First, we're constantly judging ourselves with regard to others because we want to be socially better than them. Think about the time your friend told you that they got a big raise. Surely you congratulated them, but  you were jealous from the inside and maybe a little hurt. You might have told yourself that "They aren't as smart and hard-working as I am, so where's my raise?"

However, since they're now making more money than you, the natural reaction is to feel socially inferior. You look at them and judge yourself negatively because you're not like them. They've outdone you before the others, and now they're the leader, not you. Therefore, you regret, blame yourself, close off, feign sickness, and wonder if others love you at all. You might think it's a great way to get that raise.

But the truth is that whenever you feel that you are socially inferior in front of others, you'll naturally judge yourself in a negative way. In today's world, when we're forced to look at the lives of celebrities, it's very easy to always feel inferior, and we always think negatively of ourselves. In fact, studies show that we now watch celebrities so much that we subconsciously count them as part of our environment, which makes feeling inferior easy.

2. The need for quick decision making:

It is easy for us humans to understand our environment if the evaluation criteria are narrow, and so the ability to make judgments becomes faster. However, this quality is related to our self-perception. We naturally limit ourselves with predetermined ideas as well. It's a form of self-imprisonment.

So, when we feel bad about ourselves, it's easy to link it to who we are, and we assume that 's the way we've always been, and it will always be so. We might say, "I'm not a morning person," or "I'm not as pretty as she is," or "He's smarter than me;" They're all thoughts that lead us to judge ourselves negatively.

This self-narrative and self-judgment makes us less successful because you might turn down this new job, for example, because you're not a smart person, and you might skip having a fun night with friends because you're not a social person.

This is a dumb way you talk to yourself. These are dumb judgments for yourself, which lead to having ideas that identify you the wrong way. However, you have direct control over the way thoughts are narrated in your mind, and it's up to you whether you want to judge yourself in a negative or a positive way.

The right way to judge yourself:

We'll always judge ourselves, and the default is to judge ourselves negatively. So, what is required? What  can we do about it? And how are we going to go back to thousands of years of evolution?

The answer is not to stop judging ourselves, but rather to judge differently. One of the most important things you can do is to judge yourself based on the effort you make, rather than on the results you achieve.

Think about it. Every time you feel bad because you are angry with your results, you look at that friend who just got a raise and judge yourself. This is because your cash is not the same as theirs. But what about your effort?

Do you give your job your best? Do you have a job that you enjoy? And do you feel passionate about doing something you're proud of? If  yes, then why do you care about your friend's raise? You're following your path to your own success.

We need to start judging ourselves for our efforts, not the results we achieve. There are countless variables in the world, one of which you can control. Some people work for years without reaching their goals, while others hit the jackpot on their first attempt. However, you can't control all the conditions that lead to success because there are many external factors. Nontheless, you can control your efforts.

The story of my life:

I run a single content marketing consultancy, have three regular clients, write novels and scenarios, and work on business ideas. I'm writing this article, and I have to be effective in managing my time.

Two weeks ago, I had a tough week. I had a lot to do for those three clients, and I had to go through my new scenario. So, I took great pains and got everything done, but a lot of the work I did for my clients was returned to me, and I needed to do more revisions than usual.

Here, I was thinking that delisting my weekly to-do list would mean that I had a successful week, when it hurt my clients' relationships because I focused on outcome, rather than effort. I did my weekly tasks without questioning quality. So, I was judging myself negatively, as I was focusing on results and I failed.

The following week I decided to do things differently. Instead of focusing on output, I was going to max out for each of my tasks. If I didn't finish doing everything I wanted for the week, no problem, the only thing I'd do was to be proud of every project I've worked on. I won't mark a project completed until I feel like I did it well. I'm sure you know how it feels.

So, I focused on the effort more than the outcome, and the result was that I didn't just have the best week of the year, but also had a more productive and enjoyable one. If a client returned some of my writing, no problem, I gave it my all and was proud of myself.

I judged myself and my life to be all very positive, and to be on the fast track to success. All it took was a conscious effort to judge myself and the right thing - effort not result.

Bottom Line:

You judge yourself, of course, but you're not alone. We all do that, but it doesn't mean that we can't use our judgmental qualities to our advantage. We need to use them to our advantage. Therefore, instead of judging yourself based on results, do it based on effort. It's the only way you'll feel successful.