How to Deal with a Constantly Complaining Coworker?

Everyone constantly encounters a complaining colleague at some point in their career. They want you to listen to their complaints and to let all of your concerns whenever something goes wrong.

Complainers sometimes believe that you are the only person they can talk to about their feelings and problems at work.

Effective steps to deal with a constantly complaining coworker

Coping with this situation might be difficult for you because negative emotions are contagious. A person's negative behavior, if left unchecked, can frustrate an entire team. So here's how to show empathy and compassion to an office whiner, without letting them throw you off balance:

1. Understanding the complaining source

Before you stop the complainer, put yourself in their shoes. It helps to understand everyone's purpose of sharing their complaints with you. Gregory Tall, a workshop facilitator with more than 15 years of experience in the HR field, believes workplace complainers fall into three categories: people who easily look for a listener and want to be heard, people who don't know the consequences of their complaint, and people who look for someone to help them with a legitimate complaint.

Most of the time, the complaint is associated with a deep-rooted feeling of inability to solve the problem or find the right listener.

Complaints might include this strangely difficult year, the ongoing coronavirus pandemic, and repeated incidents of racism and political division. There are plenty of reasons to hear more complaints right now from colleagues.

Cicely Horsham-Brathwaite, a certified psychologist and professional coach, said: "People suffer from stress and anxiety at levels that exceed their ability to bear it.” She indicated that some complaints at the present time might be due to issues of race, fairness, engagement in work or its absence, while others’ complaints are about the importance of their presence and the impact of the pandemic. Many legitimate complaints might be related to improving working conditions.

2. Building a close relationship with the complainer

If a colleague complains for a long time, you can stop them directly and explain your annoyance of this behavior. Psychologist Horsham-Brathwaite suggests using the word "end of the year" for this purpose. You could say, “I evaluated the way of talking about the work environment, and I realized that it led me to deal with problems in a way that was detrimental to my health. Therefore, I made a promise to myself that I would look at things in a balanced way. Are you interested in being my partner in this? This is my personal goal.”

Rearranging that one-sided relationship with a complaining coworker will reveal to you the role you play in inviting colleagues to share their complaints with you constantly.

Are you proud of being the person everyone complains to? This can be a sign that you are making sacrifices at work. This is a common crisis in which people exhaust themselves by solving other people's problems to feel their own worth. If left unchecked, it will grow to overwhelm your own needs, which you are not taking care of because you are too busy dealing with everyone's complaints.

Psychologist Cecily Horsham-Brathwaite said, “Sometimes the most tactful way to stop complaints is not to feed them by listening to them.” 

3. Being tactful

Tal, the workshop facilitator, suggests cutting off an argumentative conversation with a person with whom you do not have a strong relationship. The dialogue can be ended by using reassuring phrases, such as “I hear you” or “I understand your frustration” and then mentioning a deadline of something necessary at work, or performing any other responsibility that obliges you to go.

Consider the discussion as a communication activity or a cocktail party that you can politely apologize for if you don't want to participate. Psychologist Horsham-Brathwaite said: "There's a more tactful way to handle it, and that's by showing no concern at all. The other party will recognize right away that you are not the appropriate person to have these conversations with."

4. Not dismissing complaints

For some employees, complaining is part of their creative process. Baker Claire Saffitz mentioned in an interview with HuffPost that she is one of the biggest complainers. She said, “Complaining gets my negative feelings out and gives me more energy to perform things that I have struggled so hard with before.”

For team members like this, it might be helpful to schedule a complaint time so that they can express their complaints and objections without engaging in full conversations. Psychologist Horsham-Brathwaite said, "The goal is to display and show the objections, not to resolve them, but after that, we can move on to a more constructive and helpful conversation."

In other cases, people might complain not to express their concerns but rather to seek guidance regarding legitimate grievances like unequal wages, toxic bosses, or racial injustice. If your goal is to help a colleague with their complaint, ask them questions so they can understand the grievance source and benefit from your advice.

For example, workshop facilitator Tal suggested that in a situation where the complainer despises their boss, the feedback given to the complainer should include suggestions for what they can do about it, like reaching out to people who have previously worked with that boss to better understand them.

Psychologist Horsham-Brathwaite said: "We must bear in mind that our identity is affected by our experience, and we must inquire about why some people complain while others do not. It is useful to ask yourself: What is my reaction to this complaint? What factors in the environment of the other party led to the complaint? Does my reaction help me deal with this situation?"

Some people's complaints could be resolved by obtaining more information. Workshop facilitator Tal said: "You could express that you understand how they feel while also pointing out some of their mistakes or offering some information or tips for resolving the complaint. Even if the complainant rejects the proposed solutions, they would feel better knowing the rationale for them."