Assertiveness Is a Virtue Anyone Can Develop With Practice

When I was a freshman , I worked late one evening on a project that was about to be delivered, and as I was sitting at my desk, a senior colleague asked me if I had time.

Note: This article is taken from the blog of "Rebecca Roache," in which she tells us about her experience in package development.

I said to him: "Sure," so he shared his research plans he is working on and asked my opinion, and I answered him, and then he asked me a question, and I answered him, and it continued again and again, and the darkness began to come out, and I did not modify any amendment to the Word document I created on my computer.

I was wondering how I could get rid of this conversation, and then my chance came when he stopped talking and said, "I'm sorry, am I distracting you from something?" I thought I'd say, "Yeah, I want to stop talking now, but what I said was, 'No, not at all.'"

I left the office after more than an hour, and no progress was made in my own work. I was annoyed with myself, so I should be able to evade such situations gracefully. Then I thought of all the people I knew - friends and colleagues - who would have better invested their time.

"I need to get back to work," a colleague said suddenly and embarrassingly as if he was trying to pull out quickly, and a friend graciously agreed: "That sounds great; good luck"; that helped things get done quickly; but I didn't imagine myself saying those things, I wasn't that kind of person, and everyone knows that.

A Google search for “how to be more assertive” yields more than 22 million results; Women face more problems with assertiveness than men. A study by the Gender Action Portal at Harvard University found that women compromise in salary negotiations earlier than men, expect better outcomes, and discourage others' perceptions of assertiveness as an unfeminine trait.

I am more assertive than I used to be, especially when necessary; I am a single mother, working full-time, and meeting demands is a matter of life. But I have changed in another way; I have mastered philosophy in metaphysics, but I no longer have much time for a philosophy that is not directly related to daily ordinary people issues, which has affected my research type. It has changed my interests away from my field of study as well.

Realizing that philosophical analysis could help people think about their problems, I began training; one strategy I often use involves applying Aristotle's philosophy to help people become more assertive.

Aristotle was interested in how to live a good life, and living a good life needs to have a virtuous character. Virtues are character traits that exist in the middle of the spectrum of two vices, so tact is a virtue we find between dishonesty and blunt frankness, courage lies between recklessness and cowardice, and friendliness lies between courtesy and bluntness. The belief that virtue lies in moderation is not limited to Aristotle; it is also found in many religions.

Moderation has an intuitive appeal, children quickly realize that telling lies will get them in trouble, and they are not brave enough to talk openly about how bad their babysitters are. However, when it comes to the qualities we are concerned about, moderation is usually forgotten, and anxiety leads to overthinking or not thinking at all about assertiveness. We hope that we can defend ourselves, but we are afraid to look arrogant if we do. Therefore, our options are reduced to a choice between “success” and “arrogance,” while we are still very understanding.

Hyper  thinking or not-that psychologists call “splitting” -is a symptom of specific personality disorders. It's memories left over from childhood when we first saw the world and when people were either “good” or “bad”. Eventually, we learn to see the subtle differences between the extremes; but we all slip into overthinking or not thinking at times ; reminding ourselves that assertiveness, like honesty, exists on a spectrum. And virtue lies in moderation is one way Aristotle's approach can help us be appropriately assertive.

Being assertive is uncomfortable for people who aren't used to it, so how can moderates of us act assertively without feeling embarrassed? In  this case, Aristotle can help them, virtue needs to be learned, and we are not born naturally in harmony with the right balance between dishonesty, rude frankness, cowardice, recklessness, courtesy, rudeness, and so on.

We need to develop positive habits, and this is done through practice. Aristotle stressed the importance of community, education, and imitating others in this process by surrounding ourselves with virtuous people and following their advice and guidance. Thus , we learn to be virtuous. This is a well-known point. Parents and teachers are concerned about having positive role models for children. American businessman and motivational speaker Jim Rohn claimed that we are the product of the five people we spend most of our time with.

Remember that the person you follow is assertive, not arrogant, which is why they are your role model. Since assertiveness is an acquired trait, it's naturally awkward at first, just as we make our way through sentences when learning a new language. Acting assertively is uncomfortable for beginners. Practice makes assertiveness easier, just as it improves fluency.

But how to practice assertiveness?

There is no online application to teach assertiveness, no dictionary of advice, and no linguistic rules to guide us on what is allowed. This is where the role of imitation comes in. Non-assertive people usually know a lot of assertive people. In fact, it often seems that the more frustrated we feel about our lack of assertiveness, the busier we become with people who will not be able to bear what we have endured.

While we are busy torturing ourselves with those negative comparisons to assertive people, our awareness of the skill of assertiveness that others possess may help us get rid of the routine. That colleague or friend who would have refused the extra work you just took, how exactly would he have done it? And what would he say? What  body language would he use? Once  you figure it out, do it yourself -focusing on your role model is an effective way to escape overthinking or not thinking when you find yourself thinking.

If I defend myself, I will seem arrogant, remember that your example is not arrogant; that is why it is your example, but what if you are not that kind of person? And what if everyone knows you're fulfilling; that's why they come to you with their requests?

Fortunately, none of this matters. You aren't limited by your past behavior or by other people's perceptions of you. Remember that virtues are acquired qualities, and you learn them by practicing them. Once you act assertively, you will clearly sense that you are an assertive person, and of course, when we say things like: “He is an assertive person”. We mean he acts assertively often and easily, but this only means that he has developed a habit of assertiveness, which you too can do ; by practicing an assertive act every time.

There are strategies that we can use to increase our assertiveness. Often, when someone asks us for something during a face-to-face conversation, we feel the difficulty of the situation; either we say “no” now, or we will be judged by another unpleasant burden later. But this is another example of overthinking or not thinking.

Your role models won't feel that hard, will they? He  realizes that if someone asks him for something, he has a right to spend some time thinking about it. He might say, “Let me take my time thinking about it,” or, “Ask me again in a week,” which gives you time; it allows you to say no by email rather than seeing him face to face. But if the answer is needed immediately, face to face and without time to think, take a breath, do what your role model would have done, and say, "I can't commit to that right now".

You can't stop people from demanding your time and energy, but you can develop the skills to protect yourself, and doing so isn't arrogance, selfishness, lack of cooperation, or any of the other things that worry you. Think about Aristotle's spectrum, or think about your assertive example and the character you develop each time you say “no,” and then invest that time you've saved to accomplish the projects and interests you care about.